The Letter

She would be 43 years old today.  I've often wondered if she would have red curly hair like me or straight brown hair like her father. What would she have been like as an older sister of two younger brothers? Would we have had a close relationship?  I dreamed it would be so. 

That entire pregnancy was out of order. From the very beginning nothing seemed to be typical but then again, what is typical from one pregnancy to the next? I was quite ill and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week as I couldn't keep food or water down at all. Nothing. The medical term used was Hyperemesis gravidarum.  Snazzy, eh? It just means excessive vomiting and dehydration, but I like their name better. It seemed to validate how sick I really was. 

I barely gained any weight with this wee one but considering how little food I kept down that wasn't surprising.  Finally, as the months ticked by the sickness sort of settled down, but not entirely.  Into the 7th month the shower invitations had just been sent out and my anticipation grew.  I felt reserved a lot as I'd heard other moms discuss their pregnancy and knew that I wasn't experiencing most of the things they mentioned,   and at my next appointment due to some concerns my doctor had,  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound as that's the only place they were done. In fact, there was only one hospital in the whole Detroit area that performed the ultrasound.  This procedure was brand, spanking new! For several hours the staff took dozens and dozens of pictures while my mom waited for me. Eventually the head of the department came in and said they were having trouble getting the kind of picture results they hoped for and thought it might be the machine so they moved me to another table in another room for even more pictures.  My back was aching but I decided it was just from laying so long on cold tables as they continually pressed and nudged my tummy while trying to get something better in each picture than the one before.  Shortly afterward, when I was home that afternoon, my doctor called and said I needed to come in for an X-ray ASAP. My personal radar suddenly launched into an alerted feeling. An X-ray on a pregnant woman? We agreed I would be in his office first thing in the morning but throughout the evening I struggled to sleep and was up and down with discomfort, mostly in my back. 

Early the next morning before the world was waking up, my water broke. And I mean broke like a fire-hydrant that had just been opened up for the kids to play in on the streets of Detroit. When I stood up, I knew something was very wrong. We made the call to the Doctor and hurried to the hospital which was about a 20 minute drive from home.  The nurse sedated me when we got to the hospital, but delivery was happening so quickly I could hear everything the medical team was saying. Soon I delivered a still-born baby girl with Anencephaly and a few other deformities that can accompany neural tube defects. In an instant our dreams were dashed! I felt my doctor take my hand and rub my arm trying to speak to me, but when I didn't respond he asked out loud if the baby had been baptized and would someone go get the father.  I wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't utter a sound or make a move. What just happened?? What does all of this mean? 

I thought a lot about that day in 1977 as a young co-worker celebrated her 38th birthday today.  I rushed home from work to look for a letter my father wrote and brought to me in the hospital which I read late that night alone. It's the most special letter I've ever received and at times through the years I've pulled it out to read it again when I need to strengthen my resolve.  Had I read it with wisdom when I received it, I possibly would have avoided other years of struggle in my life, but I was still foolish in so many ways for a long time. 

I want to share parts of this most personal letter with you in the hopes that you will find some words here that can apply to any difficult situation you've encountered or are now going through.  

"First, do not love your grief.  Grieve, but endure and grow from it." Wise, eh? We all know someone that has never moved past a grievous event in their lives. "For some reason God has determined you should not have a child at this time. Accept this fact; do not question for that leads to self-doubt and self-pity."  

Loaded with wisdom. 

"Consider your goals in life. Your loss will certainly cause you to examine your life-style and ambitions. You will be different because of this event but you must go on.  Do not be bitter for that is self-pity and not a reflection of maturity. Try to determine what abilities you have and develop them to serve yourselves and others. Be humble, not humiliated and try to do good without boasting about it."  

Deep, guiding wisdom. 

And lastly Dad said, "I know it is hard to see right now, but by serving we are served."  

Is there somewhere in your life you can put this wise and true statement into practice? It really can change your life perspective and give you just a moment of relief as your focus changes from inward to outward. You will be richly rewarded with peace. I am blessed beyond measure to have this profound love note in my father's handwriting still with me to this day. This letter has impacted my life and more so as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser. 

As they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. This letter may have no bearing on the situation you are in right now, but if you look hard enough, this letter will have great bearing on your own life today and in the days ahead if you so choose.  

Happy Birthday, sweet baby of mine. I can't wait till the day I can cup your beautiful, perfect, healthy face in my hands and tell you how much I've loved you all these years.  

A New Decade and A New Choice

God is able to accomplish, provide, help, save, keep, subdue. 

He is able to do what you can't. 

He already has a plan. God's not bewildered. Go to Him.  

Max Lucado

It's 2020! Do you recall looking ahead as a child and thinking about what your life would look like at 2020? What plans did you have for yourself? Where would you be living and who would you be living with? The list goes on of how we coulda, woulda, shoulda landed where we are today. BUT, along came something you didn't plan on.  

What rocks your world?  I'm not sure, but I think once you've been down the avenue of life's rocky adventures, your world doesn't rock so easily any longer.  The news you get today is always compared to the awareness and knowledge of your loved one living a risky life with substances or other earth shattering moments.  Perhaps you've received the news that someone you love is in a debilitating situation with their health and you can't see beyond today or believe that there is a chance for healing or a longer life.  Maybe you were just notified of a crime that occurred and your loved one was right in the middle of it.  Or, the phone rang and it was your own doctor with news you never imagined would be yours.  When we are younger and look ahead we surely don't plan for these types of scenarios.  And why would we? We'd be living like Eeyore if our horizon was heavy laden all the time with impending storm clouds.  

Nothing teaches us more about life than living.  Each day has troubles of it's own, the Bible says, so don't go looking ahead for more to add to your burden.  

How do I do that, you wonder?  Each day remains the same it seems, as if you were stuck in a scene from the Groundhog Day Movie.  They leave the house, looking to score, and you cry. Wandering the house alone you find yourself creeping into the bedrooms looking for something, anything, to sort out your thoughts and squelch the impending truths that are lying in your path of cloudy vision.  You realize that you see things you don't understand. and you shake your head in bewilderment as if that will help you clear out the chaos in your thinking.  But you're so frozen in fear, you don't ask anyone about it because you can't accept what's right in front of your nose.  You haven't found a place to land with ears to listen because you're so ashamed about what you think is happening you simply find it impossible to utter a word.  You've convinced yourself you're all alone. And the vision plays out the same each day, month, year and decade.  Suddenly you're in 2020 and it looks the same as 2015, 2010 and as far back as you can remember. 

And you silently scream, how can I believe this statement about God?  He's so far removed from my situation, you believe, that He's no help to me.  But, eventually you find that you are thinking and talking to God more each day because you have no one else to talk to and nowhere else to go. Is He speaking to me? Is my situation really going to change as He says? 

If anything is true, it's the truth that we have choices.  And, if we choose to put ourselves into God's hand and change our thinking, OUR situation will change because WE will change.  It may not stop the addict from scoring or the drunk from another binge, but we might find our responses to the swill around us can be shifted.  Instead of jumping into the pigpen and trying to wrestle with swine, convincing them of another way, we walk on a new path in order to make choices that are good for US. Slowly we learn to side step the puddles lying on our paths. 

We begin to gain the peace that God promises, that the world won't understand.  How can we have peace in the midst of such chaos? Because we are learning to trust God at His Word that what He says is true.  And this trust isn't because of any magic, cosmic energy, aura or karma.  God doesn't subscribe to that thinking.  The Prince of Peace is above all man-made concoctions of the pathway to peace that doesn't include Him, simply because He IS peace. 

So, as we turn the calendar over to a new day, new week, new year and new decade, we also decide to turn our lives and wills over to the care of God.  Step Three in a nutshell says: "I can't.  God can.  I think I'll let Him."

Happy New Day! 

Mr. McAlpine Is Here!

What happens when someone comes along and interrupts your joy and peace?  In chaos living, it's a common occurrence though for me, it's not so common any longer.  The tug-of-war of words is exhausting and mood-altering if we allow it to be.  Yesterday morning started out quite nicely beginning my day with a soothing cup of coffee and a gratitude list to God.  I love when the stillness of the morning allows me to approach the new day this way - it sets me on a good path.

On Friday night I had been to a couples home with a small gathering of people I dearly love. It was a Michigan summer evening performance that couldn't be beat with it's cooler temperatures, soft breezes and no humidity.  Great conversation, laughter and delicious food was the order of the evening, and I went to sleep that night with a contented heart.  So, thankfulness was coming easily to my mind Saturday morning as I began to thank God, one by one for the many blessings in my life. I went about the early morning preparing myself for what was ahead which included a day with my Dad to a school picnic where he taught upper elementary in the late 50's through the mid 60's.

In the midst of my perfect morning, something went awry.  A word spoken between the only two people living in this house went sideways and soon words were being tossed in tones determined to destroy.  It was ugly and the younger me began to do a mental audit of who I am against what was said.  It's one of those old habits that doesn't want to quit.

I finished my morning chores in silence, but mentally I was talking with God over and over about the issue at hand. I changed my clothes, got in the car to pick up my Dad and had barely gotten very far when I landed at a red light.  The continued beautiful weather meant windows were down and music played softly.  I was looking straight ahead when I heard the softest little "hiiii".  I looked over my left shoulder to see a truck next to me with the back window open and the sweetest little chubby hand waving at me.  This curly haired child, maybe about 2 years old, was greeting me with a little love that I know came from my Creator as a calming, soothing pat on my head reminding me that despite the words that were spoken that morning, my day is not ruined and the choices ahead of me for the next 24 hours are mine to make. I continued my drive to Dad's and when I got to his place to pick him up, he was sort of down, it seemed.  He said he didn't have a very good morning, so after having my own rough start I suggested we make the best of the rest of this day. 

We got into the car and as we drove he said "now, I don't want to stay to long.  I'll see some people say a few words and then we'll head home. I'll take you to lunch".   Well, okay I thought - we are going to a picnic but he didn't seem to want to get to comfy. I simply agreed with him and figured the day would play out as it should.  We arrived at the site, got out of the car and I began hearing small rumbles of conversation with words popping up of "Mr. McAlpine's here!" We moved around the pavilion in a slow and methodical way and one by one, people began sharing stories with my dad, retelling something he taught them, who they got in trouble with or Dad recalling their siblings by name or their father's profession.  Taped up around the pavilion on each support pole was a school picture of my Dad in his very early years of education. It was easy to see why he was so liked!  

As the time went by Dad began to settle slowly into the gathering and eventually asked me to get him some pasta salad.  He sat down, ate a little bit, conversed more and really began to lighten up at the memories being shared by this group of "kids".  Emotions were running a bit, which Dad doesn't like showing, when he said that Holcomb Elementary was his favorite assignment in all the years he was teaching. Many students also reminisced about the Paddle that was prominent in the classroom and prominent during that era of education.  As Dad began to relax it allowed time for the others to speak to me in a little more depth about their school years and memories of Dad. One by one, I heard over and over again, that "Mr. McAlpine was always my favorite teacher." One of the female students re-iterated to the group what I heard several times through the day - they had crushes on Dad and at pajama parties they would call our house, then hang up and giggle when he answered the phone! Remember 5th and 6th grade? Having a male teacher always brought along school-girl crushes and I remember a few myself. 

Repeatedly I was told, "he really loved his students and did a lot of things to keep us interested in learning".  Several women who are near 70 or so, said that Dad was the reason they became educators and they are still teaching today.  

Finally, one man said to me, "all those nice things they are saying about your dad are true, but don't get me wrong when I say that your dad was a hard-ass.  What I mean is that he was strict with us and we had to follow the rules closely.  He was a no-nonsense guy."  Now, he's talking about my Dad as that was true at home, too! The day ended with a re-written song which went into a birthday celebration honoring him as a wonderful teacher who's approaching his 90th birthday in October.  

What started out to be a questionable day for both of us, turned out to be a day filled with great love and enjoyment.  A little later Dad signaled to me when it was time to go, and when I pulled up with the car, he was surrounded by men and women alike getting in their last words with their favorite teacher.  

The students of Holcomb Elementary really honored "Mr. McAlpine" in a deeply, heartfelt way and when we got back to Dad's apartment, he hunkered down in his chair and snoozed into the evening sunset. My drive home was sweet to the soul and I have one more memory for my gratitude list 💖

Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

The Challenge Update

In case you've been wondering about me and my digital friend in the midst of the Bun Bar Challenge, I'm here to tell you that I'm still in the battle, making steps and winning small victories here and there.

Like what, you ask? 

Well, for starters, I finally bought an analog scale and have begrudgingly stepped on it every morning for 5 days in a row.  This was not something I was looking forward too.  In fact, I began to resent it when the number crept up ever so slightly 3 days in a row. What gives?? I was feeling slightly defeated but thought to myself, surely this is going to turn around and go the other way. I've been very selective on my food choices denying myself on most choices and going along with the healthier option.  How dull, I thought, but oops! That's the stinkin' thinkin' I'm supposed to be changing.  

Secondly, each day I'm thinking more about adding vegetables throughout the day which isn't a typical thought for me.  In my typical habit, I was more apt to buy a bag of chips out of the machine to go with  my lunch but now I'm bringing celery sticks (big whoop!) instead.  If they could make celery sticks taste like a good old Better Made Potato Chip, then we'd be in business!

This weekend wasn't all lost as I found a new chicken recipe that was so easy, with only 5 ingredients and it was delish!! I have to say that when I have time to fiddle making viddles, I enjoy the reward of eating so much more.  The recipe was really super simple and definitely will be on the remake list again. I'm also noticing that when I have something as simple as cherries which are in season, along with 1/2 of a toasted english muffin with peanut butter on it for breakfast,  it's tasting really good. My tastebuds are awakening as I turn from old habits to new.  And, I'm rather proud to say that I haven't made one fast food stop in the last 10 days. 

Except, Arby's.  Just one time.  They have the meats. 

As I mentioned last week, I am moving more and for that I'm glad! I feel more energetic throughout the day just by adding some extra steps here and there.  And my knee, which is turning 65 in November, was beginning to do the senior shenanigans whenever I would go up and down the stairs. But now I noticed, I'm not having that little issue any longer.  That's a big yay and testimony to the reward of moving more. 

So that's my little recap and now I'm marching into a new week with a little more confidence in this plan than when I first began.  It hasn't been perfect and an Oreo or two may have jumped into my hand on occasion, but all and all it's far more favorable than I thought it would be. 

Oh, and you might be happy to know, the scale numbers went down this morning. Now, I'm heading in the right direction of this challenge and that's more encouraging than anything else at this moment! 

So, when was the last time you heard some words that made you feel valued as a person? Not words about your clothing, your physical appearance or the car you drive but words about your character or behavior?  Yesterday was my last day of work at the oil company I joined last November.  When I was hired in I really believed I found my last forever place but it didn't go down that way. It's funny how we like to talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month or next year because we feel like when we put a plan in place that we've decided well and it should not change quickly.  But that's not always the way it turns out. 

In the Bible, James 4:14-15 says: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that."

The older I get the more I realize that our lives are but snippets of seasons.  God moves and directs us, whether you are aware or not, in and out of scenarios and situations for a season.  Your season may be years but it may be a moment in time. I'm thankful that I've come to a place in life that I recognize that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Why delay the next move if you acknowledge the One who directs your path?  

Finding my niche at the oil company was not hard, but the processes were difficult.  The software they purchased some years back was not at all sales or user friendly and seemed cumbersome and inefficient to me.  It created many extra steps needed on a busy sales desk to process an order because the program didn't connect all the dots to all departments as promised. Recognizing that I couldn't change the system or fight for improvement any longer,  I had to determine if I could fit into the process or move on. I had my eyes on several opportunities, when an opportunity came to me. It seemed right and brings me some flexibility that I am looking for so after some discussion with trusted friends and prayer for peace of mind, I accepted the new opportunity.  I gave my resignation. 

Two weeks later as I made my way through the management team and different departments to bid adieu, one by one I was told ‘whether you know it or not, your being here really made a difference for the better.’  I was stunned and more than that, I was thankful.  Instead of regretting the choice I made 7 months ago, I realize that this season seemed to be a needed confidence booster and training ground as I got my footing back in the race. It gave me time to gain a steady pace, brush up on the language of business semantics and hone my skills that God gave me making me a desired hiree even at retirement age.  It’s not easy to interview against potential candidates half my age, but if God’s behind it He will shine His spotlight on you! As I made my way through the ranks yesterday, I was told by a decision maker, that if things didn’t work out where I was going, to reach out and I would be welcomed back.  Nice!

Never count yourself out!

All pics googled 

The First Step

Well, how'd you do yesterday? It was a beautiful weather day here and my day was busy like most with blessings throughout. I went to church in the morning and am always so thankful to be in the house of the Lord but also to be among what I call my faith family. These are the people that walk along side me and encourage me to be the very best that God planned all along. They urge me on and lift me up when I stumble. And believe me, I stumble.

How so? 

When I stumble, I start my day without a thought of God, my Higher Power. I wake up and charge into the starting gate ready to rock the world. Or I hide deeper under the covers and I just don't want to start anything. Anything.  Over the years of recovery, which led me to a much deeper walk with my Savior, I've learned to allow myself the time to wake up and thank up first. Thank up? Yes, sending my thanks up to God who is giving me another breath of life and a new day to begin again. Do you know how much God has promised us in His Word? Do you know how often He offers us forgiveness, help and a hand up? 

Look at what He says here. 'Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:10) 

Who couldn't use this kind of help? I sure need Him to hold me up often! 

I stumble through the day when I don't respond to people correctly. Sometimes we say that's just the way we are but if you strive to be better than the day before, it requires looking at yourself and the way you interact with people. I came from a very large family and often the atmosphere was a survival of the fittest which could mean a lot of different things to different people. In our home it might have been the quickest wit, whether funny and lighthearted or sharp and painful, wins. It wasn't necessarily about which way it was delivered but you had to get it in first. This could create a myriad of heartache if you were a nano-second behind. If you came in second, you lost the moment. Strength in words can either build people up or tear people down. Now, everything ever said in our home was not negative and unkind. At all. Telling others to toughen up might not always be the answer although in our culture we could use a little bit of that thinking for sure. It surely is a fine line, isn't it? Truth in love should be spoken but truth in hurtful pokes and barbs is never correct. 

I also stumble through the day when I let electronics keep me from doing a task that requires my full attention. I've been decluttering for months. Months, I say!  Some days I respond to the task well at hand and other days it appears overwhelming. The reward in decluttering however can come in delightful surprises. I'm finding as I go through clothes that didn't fit me just right a year ago (but I didn't pass on) are now fitting me just right. Bonus! 

All this to say that starting my day with God is simply so much better than when I stumble into the day with a face plant. When I sit down with my Bible and recovery reading, without realizing it, I start out with a deep, relaxing sigh. I've noticed that every time. It puts me in a place of surrendering all that I was carrying to our meeting spot. When I start the day with saying 'Thank you for a new day' it sets my mind on God walking me through today instead of me running ahead and asking God to hurry up!

I hope you have found your place with God and people to support you through whatever obstacles face you today. His Word is a great place to find all that He has promised to those who believe. I can testify that it's true!!  Do you know that God says He has loved us with an everlasting love?? If we don't know that, we can't fill up with His strength and confidence. 

The First Step of Recovery which says: We admitted we were powerless over ____ (fill in your own struggle) and that our lives had become unmanageable. We are recognizing and saying that we have no defense over our situation, substance or people. What a great way to start the day. Acknowledge that you are powerless and ask your Higher Power, (God for me, the maker and creator of all things), to lead you in the way that you should go.  I don't need to stumble into the day at all! 

And don't forget, all the strength you need to get through the day is found in His Word. In case you don't own a Bible, you can go to Bible Gateway (https://www.biblegateway.com/) and find His love letter to you there! 

Check it out!  Need some suggestions? Send me a note! 

Pic googled 

Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go.  "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to  actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura 

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!   

Music, Music, Music

Like so many of you, I'm a lover of music. My favorite choices run the gamut from the 1940's crooners along with Big Band to the current artist Lou Bega, performing Mambo #5. I cannot stay still when I hear that zesty little number! Having spent my formative years in ballet class, I've also come to have a great love and interest in classical music when my soul longs for soothing moments, while jazz and classic rock play a part in my nearly daily choices too. Most of my Cd's are compilations of these favorites I've put together myself.

What I most love about music is that when my quiet time or my aching heart have no words because of the pressing issues of life, I find that music can bridge the gap or speak my heart for me.

There are times in my life, and only God could do this, when my world was crashing down yet despite all the outward circumstances, I was waking up with praise music in my heart. I knew that wasn't coming from me, but from prayers that were lifted up on my behalf for my current dilemma.

Psalm 28:7 says:

The Lord is my strength and shield.

my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

And I will give thanks to Him in song.

I have an older CD that I listen to during different periods of my life and when I "rediscover" it, I chide myself for not listening to it more often. Recently when I pulled out this CD, it had a different effect on me than ever before now that I'm in recovery meetings. The title is Along The Road and the performers are Ashton, Becker and Dente. The album title and song of the same name on the CD are by Dan Folgelberg. However, there are a few selections on this album that really soothe my soul and lead me into trust, faith and calm when needed. To me, it's an awesome and clear reminder of the daily choices that come my way.

If you click on today's post title, you will be taken to a list of the cuts from this CD (#10 on the playlist) and you can listen along if you'd like.

What Am I

Used to be my life was a page of white

Then You wrote Your name on my heart

And I began to see the image clear with every line

As You became the author of my soul, so the story goes

Now every day I stand before two roads

And every day I'm faced with a choice

To follow other signs or read the writing on my heart

But one is always fiction, one is true, so You're the road I choose,

'Cause what am I without You, what am I

And looking at the pages in the story of my life

The core of my existence flows from You, from any point of view

So what am I without You, what am I and what's the use

What am I without You, what am I

Wayne Kirkpatrick & Billy Sprague

© 1994 Emily Boothe, Inc. / Magic Beans Music (BMI) / Skin Horse, Inc. / BENCAP (ASCAP)

God's peace to you!

Protective Custody

Life is funny. Not always funny ha-ha, but funny peculiar, funny absurd or funny nuts.

Cliff called me this pleasant day and we were chit-chatting about nothing much really. The type of conversations I pray to have when he's living life outside those prison walls. We yakked about the Olympics, a funny Seinfeld episode he watched the other day (we're both Seinfeld freaks) and life in general when suddenly Cliff said "One of the guys I've played cards with a few times, asked to be put into protective custody."

I asked what he meant. Well, it seems that Card Shark was getting heroin from others in the Big House and didn't have the money to repay his debts. They were accumulating quickly as drug debts do. Somewhat flabbergasted at the scenario, I questioned him again for clarity and understanding of this situation. When the debts became to much (about $500) and Card Shark was being threatened he was able to ask for protective custody from the dealers INSIDE THE PRISON WALLS and be placed in a "safe place." Hmmm....I said that's what I thought was keeping Cliff safe from his dealers trying to deal, and he said yes in a way, but not really. Cliff said, and I know this, that prison is "ghetto living behind big walls". Card Shark is now safe in "the hole" while they look for another place to ride him out to.

Rhetorically I asked why Card Shark would not take advantage of this place to be free from that lifestyle. Cliff went into a wonderful and clear explanation of the fact that Card Shark has not changed his style of living or thinking at all. He said it was all about choices Card Shark was making and that Card Shark was "choosing" to remain in the ghetto of addiction whether he's living inside prison or out on the streets. Cliff said it's all about choosing a better way and no one could choose that for Card Shark. Truer words were never spoken, especially out of the mouth of one of my babes.


Can I get a "Hallelujah"?