So, when was the last time you heard some words that made you feel valued as a person? Not words about your clothing, your physical appearance or the car you drive but words about your character or behavior?  Yesterday was my last day of work at the oil company I joined last November.  When I was hired in I really believed I found my last forever place but it didn't go down that way. It's funny how we like to talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month or next year because we feel like when we put a plan in place that we've decided well and it should not change quickly.  But that's not always the way it turns out. 

In the Bible, James 4:14-15 says: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that."

The older I get the more I realize that our lives are but snippets of seasons.  God moves and directs us, whether you are aware or not, in and out of scenarios and situations for a season.  Your season may be years but it may be a moment in time. I'm thankful that I've come to a place in life that I recognize that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Why delay the next move if you acknowledge the One who directs your path?  

Finding my niche at the oil company was not hard, but the processes were difficult.  The software they purchased some years back was not at all sales or user friendly and seemed cumbersome and inefficient to me.  It created many extra steps needed on a busy sales desk to process an order because the program didn't connect all the dots to all departments as promised. Recognizing that I couldn't change the system or fight for improvement any longer,  I had to determine if I could fit into the process or move on. I had my eyes on several opportunities, when an opportunity came to me. It seemed right and brings me some flexibility that I am looking for so after some discussion with trusted friends and prayer for peace of mind, I accepted the new opportunity.  I gave my resignation. 

Two weeks later as I made my way through the management team and different departments to bid adieu, one by one I was told ‘whether you know it or not, your being here really made a difference for the better.’  I was stunned and more than that, I was thankful.  Instead of regretting the choice I made 7 months ago, I realize that this season seemed to be a needed confidence booster and training ground as I got my footing back in the race. It gave me time to gain a steady pace, brush up on the language of business semantics and hone my skills that God gave me making me a desired hiree even at retirement age.  It’s not easy to interview against potential candidates half my age, but if God’s behind it He will shine His spotlight on you! As I made my way through the ranks yesterday, I was told by a decision maker, that if things didn’t work out where I was going, to reach out and I would be welcomed back.  Nice!

Never count yourself out!

All pics googled 

Ho, Ho, Hum

Ah, Christmas!  It always messes with my mind. In my imagination I see the day played out like a scene from It's a Wonderful Life, but in reality it's probably more like Roseanne.  This year it was kind of the same. 

Though it's been years since my son has been active in addiction, the world of addiction and recovery is wagging it's tail behind me. For just about all my years as an adult, I have been single and often alone. What happens is that I used to seclude myself from the world in order to not face the drama or the truth of what was going on. It was less painful for me to fret at home alone than to have to look into the faces of others and try to read their thoughts, which I was certain were all about me and my struggles with Cliff. Problem #1 is the deceiver is such a liar but when you're vulnerable you will believe anything that makes sense to ease the pain. Problem #2 is it's not my job to try to read any ones thoughts or non-verbal communications toward me.  Sheesh. 

Now, many years later I have to work hard at not slipping back into my seclusion. What used to be my insane asylum is slowly becoming my sanctuary again and I like it. This has taken MANY years and tears and LOTS of hard work. Addiction and chaos are not polite or sensitive to the family members at all. It will hold you hostage if you let it. Even years after, I must remain on guard of my thoughts and actions. 

As busy as I can be, however, I still find myself with a lot of time alone. No phone calls, no visitors, no outings. Facebook can fill my heart with angst as I see people I love living the lives I had hoped for.  Even at my age, most communication with family and friends is via text, which I HATE.  I repeat, I HATE, but phones don't get answered so I've joined the ranks of texting. I'm quite a distance from my circle of friends so meeting up for a quick anything is not too quick. It requires planning ahead. Who's got time?  40  minutes away makes nothing quick. One thing after another ticks off the list of why I'm alone. Who can change it? Only me. Therein lies the problem. 

Many changes have taken place this year in my life.  Son #1 and Lovely Espousa have been married 11-1/2 years now and have a sweet little family with two precious daughters;  Mini-chick turned 10. Whaaaaa??.  Oh, the joy those little girlies bring to my heart, I can't even begin to express.  I have since retired (semi) and am fumbling around to find my way. Not aimlessly, mind you, but unplanned  just yet.  Because I try to pray about everything, I talked with the Lord about retiring for quite a while before the decision was made. Pressing on my heart, was that my family is getting older and I've worked hard for many years and missed out on some important relationships. I didn't want to watch the remainder of my days and years nor the ones I love slip away without spending some valuable time with them. Lo and behold, just a short time after I retired, my brothers cancer moved to his brain.  He's going to need some assistance and I will make every effort to be available as often as I can. He's alone 90% of the time, too. My healthy father is 87 but can use a companion on occasion to accompany him to Florida, for instance. Poor me ;) 


Thankfully, my relationship with The Lord, my Higher Power, has strengthened over the years and He can step through and diffuse the little landmines in my thinking and bring truth and reality to me with haste. He sorts through the issues and says "Laura, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."  (Phil 4:8-9 Msg.) He reminds me to draw close to Him, the Rock on which I stand and take my place with Him.  He encourages me greatly with my days ahead.  Look at this promise for our future in His Word: "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do!  For I’m going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don’t you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

Recovery is available to anyone who truly and earnestly wants it. Seek out the better way of life. You don't have to do this in your own strength and most likely it won't stick and stay if you do.  God, who made you and knows you intimately and better than you know yourself, is just a whisper away. Truly, He will never leave you to figure this out alone if you ask Him. 

Just like I have to work on not "hiding out" I encourage you to also find your place and your group. It could be in a church or synagogue and it could also be at 12 Step meetings. Support each other in a positive way. Step out of the muddy puddle you're standing in now and begin with one new habit. Tell yourself the whole truth about the situation in your life and surround yourself with friends who you can count on.  Lean into your Creator. Your life depends on it. 

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

Picture googled

Jobs, anyone?

Let's see.

I think this is the third or fourth Monday out of the last six that we've started the week off with snow. Normally, the snow doesn't bother me much but this year we're starting winter so much earlier than we have in the past that I'm a wee bit worried what January through April will be like. When I was growing up winter was more like this; but we've been seduced into a slumber over the past 20 years thinking we now have the right to expect snow to hold off or rarely appear. Personally, I like the snow and winter weather. I just don't want anyone else on the road when I leave for work tomorrow. I wonder if that can be arranged. :)

Yesterday, Cliff made a committment to someone at church to help out with a ministry project this morning. He said he was going to be there at 9:00 am. The time came for him to get up and I heard his alarm ringing around 7:45. Then silence. As I began to prepare for my day, I called to him to see if he was up. He answered yes, and that he was going to church. Finally, when I was ready I left without word or worry. I did my thing at church and then went to Son #One's for a short visit with Mini-chick and her parents. The weather began to change again so I decided I should head for home. Later, Cliff told me he decided that he needed to make a change in his sleeping arrangement because he was falling back into an old habit so he moved his bedding to the upstairs bedroom and away from the tomb like atmosphere in the basement where you never see the light of day. He also said he realized that he didn't keep his word today and plans to call Mentor and make an apology for his foul.

Now Cliff is upstairs showering and grooming for his annual "first" day hunting for a job. He really doesn't have appropriate winter clothing, but he has to start somewhere and he's preparing himself for tomorrow. Only this annual day is different. He's in control and handling his business without a discussion with me (interpreted to lecture/input/opinion); without me prodding and nagging and without Cliff complaining about the weather and stating he'll wait until Tuesday when the weather's better.

Nothing like that is going on tonight. I like this. I like that he's moving forward positively instead of just yakking about what "he's gonna do." He's just doing.

Ahhh...healthy detachment has it's rewards which encourages me to continue practicing all I've learned in recovery this past year about my part in our relationship and his part in maturing and coming to the line on his own. One lovely day at a time.

*All Pics Googled*