So this is Christmas.....

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun"

Each year the strains of this tune by the legendary John Lennon gain strength and echo out this famous question through the festivities of the season.  Dare I say that I'm not a huge John Lennon fan (gasp!) but I sing along with my generation whenever this song is playing. 

This season of the year which is a joyous celebration for so many, especially if you are a Believer of Jesus, is also a season of anguish for just as many at the very same time. "And what have you done?" echoes through my mind like a tolling bell reminding me of some things that have simply never changed. 

Oh, I spent years kicking it around and played out scenes over and over of what would be different if only I had made a different decision, but as you know if you're in recovery, that scenario is a dead-end street. Sometimes the residue of stinkin-thinkin creeps into a fairly routine life now, just to shake things up a bit if I'm not on my toes and wearing my shoes of awareness. It's easy to play the same record of regret over and over if this year isn't any different than last.  Perhaps you don't know where your addict is but repeatedly you set a plate for him at the dinner table just in case he arrives on your doorstep. You don't notice the others rolling their eyes when he shows up, or you choose not to notice because you think for a moment, the fatted calf has come home.   Maybe you don't leave the house because, you know, you don't want her to walk into an empty home on Christmas. When and if she does walk in, the turmoil wafts in with her, just like the cloud that surrounds Pig-Pen wherever he goes, but you choose not to see.

"So, what have you done?" Are you in the same boat as you were last Christmas and the year before that and the year before that? Oh, I surely hope not!

Addiction and alcoholism are no respecter of seasonal calendars and today someone's phone will ring with the news that their addict overdosed or their drunk blacked out and never regained consciousness.  Are you sitting in the dark with the Christmas tree on counting your blessings or bracing yourself for that phone call? Are you in a state of mourning year after year for what can't be changed?  Have you taken the steps this past year walking into wellness with others who will support you if your phone rings with tragic news? 

Perhaps your vision is blurry with one bad decision after another. But here's the good news - Jesus was born for this situation.  Yes, contrary to what many would say, Jesus came back for the sick, not the righteous.  He came to redeem the wretched man or woman, not the one who toes the line, believing they don't need a Savior while looking down at the others.  Jesus also came to help you walk out of that chaos.

Possibly you have a relationship with Jesus but stumble through the debris of loving an addict.  You're most definitely not alone but you can trust that God doesn't want you to continue to choose someone else's life over your own well being and relationship with Him.  Jesus was born in a stable to reach even the most downcast soul and lead them in a different direction if only they choose to walk with Him.  You can choose for yourself, too.  If the one you love won't decide to live a clean and sober life that's up to them but you can decide differently for yourself and be set free! The choices they make have nothing to do with your heart of celebration today or any day.

Remember the father of the Prodigal Son?  He didn't run around town asking people to keep an eye on his son who was determined to go his own way and purposely live against the Jewish laws he was raised to respect.  He didn't try to circumvent the problems at all.  No, he just merely kept an eye out for his return and when he came home a changed man, the father welcomed him home with joy!

I pray that if you celebrate Christmas today, that you will find joy in the midst of those you are with, and if you are alone today, don't look for reasons to feel sorry about it.  Watch a movie you've been wanting to see, read a book that's waiting to be opened.  Play the music you love at the highest volume you can handle.  Take a walk, make something you like to eat, but just be sure to find some joy in your day and a reason to be thankful.  Watch the Grinch or It's a Wonderful Life and see if you can relate to the ending!

Christmas isn't about romance, food comas or gifts galore. It's about God's love for you.  Find it - believe it and walk in it.  I promise - you WILL find joy.

Merry Christmas!   

Aging with grace?

And, just like that I’m a white-haired red head!  This coming of age started several years back, probably 10 years or so, when I realized that my hair simply wasn’t growing like it used to anymore.  And without going into all the gory details, this loss is due to a hormonal imbalance between my next to nothing thyroid and my missing reproductive paraphernalia.  Aging at best.

I was very vain regarding my hair color.  I’d grown up a redhead when red hair wasn’t always the desired color. In fact, it was the outwardly rejected and repulsed color as taunts and teasing would testify, yet inwardly it was the color envied by most. As I began to battle the thinning and losing of my hair I clung to the color of my youth because it was the one thing that caused me to stand out among the crowd and caused others to usually always remember me.  Since I paid the price as a battle warrior (think Disney’s Merida) I was now going to wear my earned crown with pleasure into my adult years of life.

But the aging process began to win. My hair began to thin, and I began to fret.  What now were my options? Should I try a hair transplant?  I had toyed inwardly with this idea for YEARS and then my father brought it up and mentioned he would “help” me if I wanted to investigate it.  I began to realize that since he brought it up, my hair loss was much more noticeable than others tried to make me believe.  My hair stylist said that those she knew who had tried transplants were disappointed over time with the results. Well then, what about wigs?  I visited a salon some years ago and the wig master working the floor stated that I would have to wear full coverage wigs as I didn’t have enough hair to support partial pieces. That was a let down because I just wasn’t ready to wear a full coverage wig. Yet, I kept perusing the many wig catalogs and would order one, try it on, freak out and send it back. Time and again I tried to find my comfort zone against a battle that I wasn't winning.

A few more years went by and I began toying with the wig options again because they were affordable, and the quality and styles improved immensely!  A good friend put me in touch with another woman near my age who opted to begin wearing wigs full-time and looked beautiful in them! So, with a vote of confidence and assistance in trying wigs on, I ordered a few new wigs again all in the color of my youth. But in order to wear them comfortably and without added “heat” to the scalp, I had my hair shaved like a 1950’s buzz cut.  This was a huge step and transformation for me!  I wore the wigs faithfully for a short while, but as soon as I would come home not only did I get my lounging clothes on, but the wig would come off in one fell swoop. The current heat wave prompted my life-change rapidly and without a second thought.  It was super freeing to not have to mess with anything on top of my head!

Slowly I began to get accustomed to the look of my head with such short and blaring white hair! I could hardly believe how white I was and yet I couldn’t look away!   I thought it was pretty, but I didn’t dare leave the wigs off just yet.  How would visiting vendors respond when coming into the office? How about meeting others for the first time or simply going out to eat or church or grocery shopping?  I put an announcement out on FB, declaring to the world of the routes I was taking and backed it up with photos, but also with a disclaimer that this was purely for comfort reasons and not for any impending health reason.  Like a cloak of many colors you’re bound to find me in an array of changes on top of my head. Would I be sporting a colorful red-haired wig or a white-haired buzz? Perhaps a stylish Fedora or head scarf?  One will never know how I might arrive!

Oh, and also as a testimony to aging with confidence, I don’t wear any Spanx! 😜

"I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"  Isaiah 46:4 

What's On Your Bookshelf?

This summer I purposed that I would read more.  I used to love to sit and read for hours, but in the pace of life those days are precious and few not to mention that when I curl up and read I fall asleep. It's taken a lot of practice to be able to sit again and not feel lazy by passing the time away leisurely reading. 

When I first began recovery and even through the years since, I've found that a lot of my reading time has been wrapped up in the topic of recovery from every angle. Some days I couldn't get my hands on anything quickly enough to pacify my pain or answer my frenzied search on the what, why and when questions I had of enabling and codependency.  Soon, my bookshelf contained the excellent writings of Melody Beattie and Angelyn Miller to name a few and I couldn't take it in quickly enough. Boundaries, CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go and The Enabler consumed my every waking hour outside of work. 

As excellent as those books are and as medicinal as they were during various times in my life, I soon found that I was often looking at the world through a frown; the topic of recovery and addiction had become an addiction to me.  I wasn't balanced on any scale in my world, and soon I was eating, drinking, thinking recovery on every level of my life.  As we know, addiction to ANYTHING is deadly.  Over time, my chaotic living began to settle just a little bit at a time and I began to see that there was another world beyond my obsession and it was going on without me!  Music, movies, reading for enjoyment (not denial), art fairs and theater.  My world began to open up as I learned to no longer be consumed by the addictive behavior in Cliff's life and in my own.   If you are new to the world of recovery, come on in!   But learn as quickly as you can to be educated and pro-active but not consumed by all things recovery.  That's just as unhealthy as enabling and codependency. 

What's on your bookshelf?   What are your interests?  If you're stuck in a rut due to mind numbing living, ask your friends to suggest something light and easy.  Take the time to sit under a shade tree and listen to something that you can sing along with. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with a younger child or grandchild. Expand your horizons!

Step out of the ash heap and smile because staying in it won't change the ones you love.  You may as well make yourself lovable and remove the frown that the whole wide world sees you wearing.  

You are only promised today. Be set free and read! 

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!   

The Beginning

We all begin at the beginning. Sometimes we watch others walk this walk and feel as if they’ve always walked as they do now. They appear so confident and knowledgeable; their life appears successful and in full control. As if a tear were never shed.

But the truth is we all began at the beginning. We needed help but didn't know what kind. With no knowledge of what we were about to encounter, some jumped in with both feet and took off running as if they were in a competition. You can almost see them leap tall buildings in a single bound. Others dipped one toe in to test the water and quickly pulled their foot back only to dip the toe back in again an inth of a degree deeper. They knew they had to go into this pool but simply didn’t want to. Still others walked all the way around the outside of the pool to get to the other side, only to say that it wasn’t so hard. Of course not. They never actually waded through the deepest, scariest depths of the water. They try to handle it all on their own and make others feel as if they are wimpy or soft because they weep and grieve and struggle through the process and ask for spiritual and physical help. They will expound greatly on what they think they know, but can’t say what they personally felt or experienced or saw in their own inner circle. Others will continue to walk around and through, and all the while loudly proclaiming that they don't need any guidelines or help because it's not their problem. But they will complain just as loudly about the hand they've been dealt.

Someday, they will all have to go back to the beginning whether they plan to or not. If they haven't worked the program they simply won't get the results. Hopefully, when they do go back to the beginning, they will have a spiritual experience as a result of the steps they’ve taken and the light will go on. Maybe then, one hand will go up to God and the other hand will go out and firmly grasp another hand reaching out for help and finally they will really live One Day At A Time.


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