Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

What's On Your Bookshelf?

This summer I purposed that I would read more.  I used to love to sit and read for hours, but in the pace of life those days are precious and few not to mention that when I curl up and read I fall asleep. It's taken a lot of practice to be able to sit again and not feel lazy by passing the time away leisurely reading. 

When I first began recovery and even through the years since, I've found that a lot of my reading time has been wrapped up in the topic of recovery from every angle. Some days I couldn't get my hands on anything quickly enough to pacify my pain or answer my frenzied search on the what, why and when questions I had of enabling and codependency.  Soon, my bookshelf contained the excellent writings of Melody Beattie and Angelyn Miller to name a few and I couldn't take it in quickly enough. Boundaries, CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go and The Enabler consumed my every waking hour outside of work. 

As excellent as those books are and as medicinal as they were during various times in my life, I soon found that I was often looking at the world through a frown; the topic of recovery and addiction had become an addiction to me.  I wasn't balanced on any scale in my world, and soon I was eating, drinking, thinking recovery on every level of my life.  As we know, addiction to ANYTHING is deadly.  Over time, my chaotic living began to settle just a little bit at a time and I began to see that there was another world beyond my obsession and it was going on without me!  Music, movies, reading for enjoyment (not denial), art fairs and theater.  My world began to open up as I learned to no longer be consumed by the addictive behavior in Cliff's life and in my own.   If you are new to the world of recovery, come on in!   But learn as quickly as you can to be educated and pro-active but not consumed by all things recovery.  That's just as unhealthy as enabling and codependency. 

What's on your bookshelf?   What are your interests?  If you're stuck in a rut due to mind numbing living, ask your friends to suggest something light and easy.  Take the time to sit under a shade tree and listen to something that you can sing along with. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with a younger child or grandchild. Expand your horizons!

Step out of the ash heap and smile because staying in it won't change the ones you love.  You may as well make yourself lovable and remove the frown that the whole wide world sees you wearing.  

You are only promised today. Be set free and read! 

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Mom's Homecoming

On this date in 2003 my mother took her last breath of life and sighed peacefully when she was finished with her race. I was privileged to be with Mom at that moment alongside my father in what seemed to be the most beautiful parting of a love affair that rivaled any Hollywood Movie. It was peaceful and sweet if you can imagine death in that context; Mom had fought her illness long and hard with dignity and grace but she was tired.

Mom learned life the hard way as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic father and she carried secrets and sorrow to her grave that will never be told. Once in a while, a small part of her story was shared but not often. Being from that silent generation meant discussing hurts from the past was not acceptable nor encouraged. Keeping a stiff upper lip and plodding through life was the order of the day and Mom did that well.  Alcohol (along with any abuse) is the front runner of "secretitis". You learn fast how to keep your mouth closed and eyes averted when subjects come up that are too close to heart and home.

In the beginning of my walk in recovery as the mother of an addict, I heard the phrase early on that "you're as sick as your secrets". Thinking through the stages of my life as an adult that were filled with tumultuous and troubling moments I realized that I was not well at all! And through the years now of recovery for me, as I've peeled back layer by layer I've thought often of my dearly departed mother. I'm saddened to think that she bore her pain mostly alone. I'm pretty certain that she didn't talk a lot a about her pain with Dad because that just wasn't the way it was done. My wonderful father is a stalwart who struggles to communicate verbally on the things that are close to his heart. But once in a while, in the still of the evening often after mom was in bed, Dad would wistfully talk a little bit about the hand mom had been dealt. He was angry about the way she had been treated in her young life by her parents as she was farmed out to many relatives, most likely for her safety and protection, and Dad vowed that he would never abandon my Mother. Therefore, she would remain at home all of her days, which she did.

Mom had a strong personality and a twinkle in her eye that truly seemed to live out the words of the beloved song When Irish Eyes Are Smiling. She loved her children the best way she knew how. I believe in my heart that the unfinished business with alcohol robbed her of her full potential as I've struggled in my own way of fulfilling mine as well. Only now as I approach the golden years do I feel that I'm coming into "my own". 

Mom never knew or accepted her own beauty. She was extremely uncomfortable in front of a camera and most of her early pictures reveal an almost stern look to which she would remark regularly that she didn't like to see herself in pictures. Later in life, those feelings seemed to finally begin to dissolve. At the viewing for my mom, her friends remarked that mom was very smart in school and barely had to study. But that seemed to be a hidden gem as well as my mother believed my dad to be the king of intelligence and hid behind his place in life.

Ah, Mother, you are now at rest and will never be under the struggle of comparisons, or feeling inferior to others. You will never hear tapes replayed in your head that were hurtful or negative. You had so much to offer the world yet you offered it all to us. You filled us up with encouraging words that were never whispered to you and believed that each of your children could change the world if we chose. My only hope is that you knew how much you were loved here by your family. You struggled to grasp that God, your Creator, loved you enough to accept you and set you free in your eternal life. I'm so thankful we cleared that up before you left! Your Homecoming was a wonderful celebration of your life, dear Mom. All heaven rejoiced that day!

Your life impacted me so much Mom, and I thank you for your constant belief in me. Your beauty and lovely fragrance still radiate today.

The Most Wonderful Day of the Year?

So for many people this isn't the most wonderful day of the year.  And now the escalation of loneliness, sorrow and sadness seems insurmountable and so we hide out to drink, to use or to wail alone with tears that do not end.  But like the Grinch found out, this day came whether the Who's in Whoville had gifts, trees, ribbons and bows, or had nothing at all. The Spirit of Joy that day was in their heart and not in their circumstances. This revelation comes to each of us in our own way on our own day. But I encourage you to not let one more day go by with toxic thoughts that keep you from the Perfect Love that can sustain you and move you out from your trough and into freedom from the bondage of addiction, alcoholism and even enabling.

If you are in recovery, call a friend, go to a meeting, or spend an hour with someone that will give you some of their strength to carry on. If you aren't in recovery but battle with one that you had hoped would be, stop battling and reach out as well to others waiting for a kind word or a hug or a pair of gloves they desperately need. Share a meal and share a laugh.

Truly, each day can be The Most Wonderful Day of The Year if you let the light of His Perfect Love come to stay in your heart, soul and mind.

Merry Christmas

 *Picture googled*

The Ties That Bind

"Peggy?"

"Yes?" She looked at me expectantly.

"I'm your cousin, Laura"

Peggy stood up and we embraced for a good 30 seconds. Figuring backwards it seems that it's been possibly 35 years since we last saw each other. When I was young I was always stunned when my mom would say it had been years since she had seen this friend or that family member. I swore that would never be the case for me. Hah!

Approximately 45 years ago, Peggy's mom picked up and left her husband, left Michigan and fled to Texas. She'd had enough of the physical abuse and alcoholic behaviors that threw such chaos into their home. Peggy's mom was my mom's only sibling and married someone just like her Dad, our grandfather. That could be an honor in some homes, but in Peggy's home it left only scars and broken hearts. Another family generation fractured by alcohol and all the demons that come along for the ride.

Here we were so many years later at a family wedding, rapidly comparing notes of who lives where, what marriages were performed, the children that came along and the deaths that occurred much to early. More importantly we talked about what hurts are hidden in our hearts. It's funny how some family relationships never gel even though you're related, while others seem as natural as having just met for lunch every week for years. This reconnection came very naturally. Mostly what reconnected us, was being able to talk of our heartaches with nary a thought of judging or fear of rejection. Just love and prayers for our children that keep us on our knees often.

The ties that bind are more than blood and if prayer's involved it's the strongest one yet.

"By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."

Ecclesiastes 4:11-13, The Message

The Big Picture

About 8 years ago at a women's meeting with women from my church, we were discussing a variety of topics. Suddenly, one woman was discussing her son's fight with cancer that he battled a few years prior and was now cancer free. I can't tell you what type he had, but that doesn't really matter; cancer is the word that shakes us all to our core. Listening intently as she recounted her experience, I noticed that she became more intense as her recollections came to the surface. The pain as a mother wondering if she'd lose her son was overwhelming and oozing from her pores. It was apparent that spending time suffering through her experience was still raw in many ways. Then the words that caused me to sit up straight and still grabbed my ears and shot a bolt through me from head to toe.

"Why couldn't God give this to some junkie instead of my son?"

My spirit was so wounded inside of me that I could say nothing. I wanted to scream "I'm a junkie's mother!! Do you think I love my son any less than you love yours??" But in my right mind I knew that this woman's pain was so great, that from where she sat, a person on drugs deserved nothing more than being left to die alone somewhere. It's their problem and they chose this lifestyle. And in my right mind I can see her very point. It doesn't seem fair or just that one person who is living a productive life, contributing to this earth should suffer at all while another who is seemingly sucking life out of everything and everyone around thrives.

We oft forget that in the garden when Adam and Eve went for the apple, God said in this life we would have nothing but hard work and unfair results. Nothing would be just in our minds. In the Bible the book of Matthew says that the rain will fall on the just and the unjust and the sun will rise on the good and the evil.

Life doesn't make sense. I don't get to call all the shots. I can only call the shots for which way I will go. There's not one promise that all will be right in my world. Nothing, nothing at all, is for sure except for God's promise that He will walk with me through this life and into the next if I let Him touch my soul. God alone sees the Big Picture.

Every junkie and alcoholic has or had a mother. Most junkies have loved ones scrambling in hopes that their junkie or alcoholic would get the Big Picture and let God change their lives inside out.

Today I choose to concentrate on the Big Picture when what I see two inches in front of me doesn't make sense or when MY PLAN isn't coming to fruition quickly enough to please me. Step 3 says:

We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God

In Celebrate Recovery we also read:

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:1, The Message

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today would be Mom's 78th birthday! My parents married at a young age on January 14th, 1950. Children followed rather quickly and Mom had to hold down the fort for the bulk of those years because Dad worked 2 jobs at a minimum, during most of their child raising years.

And no wonder! Amazing Mom had a total of 10 babies and 8 of them within 10 years! Mom had a gleam in her eye that was mesmerizing when she was happy or lovingly teasing someone but especially when she was sharing a happy moment with one of her children. I recall at the funeral home when Mom passed away, a friend of my parent's told me I had my mother's eyes. I loved that! She was an awesome, self-taught, seamstress making who knows how many shirts and dresses, and sometimes winter coats for her family. Not only that, for years she made countless recital costumes for aspiring dancers like me that took months to complete. I still see her late into the night, hunched over her machine, as a light shined down on her work and the only sound was the hum of the wheel whirring as she stitched.

The flip side of Mom, in my observation, is that she carried an underyling sadness though she would never tell you so. I'm only beginning to recognize things I didn't understand. Coming from the generation of secrets, Mom didn't talk much of her childhood. Often one or two of her children sit down together and we discuss family things and marvel at how, for years, Mom was "mum" on most things that had to do with her childhood. And many times we never noticed because she was so busy with a house full of activity but becoming an adult slowly brought about a rite of passage to ask questions. Sometimes Mom just wouldn't go there. She was evasive. Then her story began to unfold, though I'm certain we only ever learned snippets; smidgeons of what her life was really like.

Over the last few years, dealing with my son Cliff, I've lamented in my mind that Mom didn't teach me some of the things I needed to know as an adult. We weren't skilled in the ways of running a home, keeping order and setting boundaries. Only recently my frustration with this issue has turned to sadness and compassion for Mom. You see, as you may have already guessed, Mom was raised by a terribly dysfunctional father who was a lifelong alcoholic. It sounds like he was an abusive one, at that. Mom had very few memories to share of Christmas with her family or any other happy moments. Constantly being farmed out and left in boarding schools didn't give her many treasures in her heart.

We didn't know that. For years Mom, like so many of us family members who don't get it, kept her life story under wraps. These things simply didn't get discussed. Not just by Mom either. It seems that whole generation approached life with a "pull yourself up and button your lip" attitude. My Dad would say it wasn't necessary to dwell on difficult things as it could lead to feeling sorry for yourself. Sometimes that is true and totally applicable. My parents were great about living in the present. But sometimes, when people are unable to function to their God-given ability that answer is an unacceptable lie. If you never address it, "it" never goes away. In moments of trials while raising us, Mom would often be a raging, crazy lady! At least that's what it seemed. Now I see that she didn't know how to handle all these children and was frustrated by what must have seemed overwhelming tasks and challenges. No one taught her and the only life she had was in the light of an insane lifestlye her parents lived.

Oh, but, Mom was a wonderful mother in so many ways! Our biggest cheerleader, always beaming with so much pride when there was some special moment in one of her little chicks lives. She loved my Dad with an unconditional love that exhibited itself over and over and NEVER talked poorly of her husband. My father was her hero; her knight in shining armor who moved her out of a lifestyle where her mother and sister suffered. Yet, the silent offender lurked within Mom's life and robbed her, I'm sure, of certain accomplishments, pleasures and fullfillments she was entitled to. I can't quite pull out all my thoughts yet, but I know I will continue down this path.

For today, I want to celebrate her life as she best knew how to be. She left a loving husband and a legacy of children who were devoted to her.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you so :)