Mr. McAlpine Is Here!

What happens when someone comes along and interrupts your joy and peace?  In chaos living, it's a common occurrence though for me, it's not so common any longer.  The tug-of-war of words is exhausting and mood-altering if we allow it to be.  Yesterday morning started out quite nicely beginning my day with a soothing cup of coffee and a gratitude list to God.  I love when the stillness of the morning allows me to approach the new day this way - it sets me on a good path.

On Friday night I had been to a couples home with a small gathering of people I dearly love. It was a Michigan summer evening performance that couldn't be beat with it's cooler temperatures, soft breezes and no humidity.  Great conversation, laughter and delicious food was the order of the evening, and I went to sleep that night with a contented heart.  So, thankfulness was coming easily to my mind Saturday morning as I began to thank God, one by one for the many blessings in my life. I went about the early morning preparing myself for what was ahead which included a day with my Dad to a school picnic where he taught upper elementary in the late 50's through the mid 60's.

In the midst of my perfect morning, something went awry.  A word spoken between the only two people living in this house went sideways and soon words were being tossed in tones determined to destroy.  It was ugly and the younger me began to do a mental audit of who I am against what was said.  It's one of those old habits that doesn't want to quit.

I finished my morning chores in silence, but mentally I was talking with God over and over about the issue at hand. I changed my clothes, got in the car to pick up my Dad and had barely gotten very far when I landed at a red light.  The continued beautiful weather meant windows were down and music played softly.  I was looking straight ahead when I heard the softest little "hiiii".  I looked over my left shoulder to see a truck next to me with the back window open and the sweetest little chubby hand waving at me.  This curly haired child, maybe about 2 years old, was greeting me with a little love that I know came from my Creator as a calming, soothing pat on my head reminding me that despite the words that were spoken that morning, my day is not ruined and the choices ahead of me for the next 24 hours are mine to make. I continued my drive to Dad's and when I got to his place to pick him up, he was sort of down, it seemed.  He said he didn't have a very good morning, so after having my own rough start I suggested we make the best of the rest of this day. 

We got into the car and as we drove he said "now, I don't want to stay to long.  I'll see some people say a few words and then we'll head home. I'll take you to lunch".   Well, okay I thought - we are going to a picnic but he didn't seem to want to get to comfy. I simply agreed with him and figured the day would play out as it should.  We arrived at the site, got out of the car and I began hearing small rumbles of conversation with words popping up of "Mr. McAlpine's here!" We moved around the pavilion in a slow and methodical way and one by one, people began sharing stories with my dad, retelling something he taught them, who they got in trouble with or Dad recalling their siblings by name or their father's profession.  Taped up around the pavilion on each support pole was a school picture of my Dad in his very early years of education. It was easy to see why he was so liked!  

As the time went by Dad began to settle slowly into the gathering and eventually asked me to get him some pasta salad.  He sat down, ate a little bit, conversed more and really began to lighten up at the memories being shared by this group of "kids".  Emotions were running a bit, which Dad doesn't like showing, when he said that Holcomb Elementary was his favorite assignment in all the years he was teaching. Many students also reminisced about the Paddle that was prominent in the classroom and prominent during that era of education.  As Dad began to relax it allowed time for the others to speak to me in a little more depth about their school years and memories of Dad. One by one, I heard over and over again, that "Mr. McAlpine was always my favorite teacher." One of the female students re-iterated to the group what I heard several times through the day - they had crushes on Dad and at pajama parties they would call our house, then hang up and giggle when he answered the phone! Remember 5th and 6th grade? Having a male teacher always brought along school-girl crushes and I remember a few myself. 

Repeatedly I was told, "he really loved his students and did a lot of things to keep us interested in learning".  Several women who are near 70 or so, said that Dad was the reason they became educators and they are still teaching today.  

Finally, one man said to me, "all those nice things they are saying about your dad are true, but don't get me wrong when I say that your dad was a hard-ass.  What I mean is that he was strict with us and we had to follow the rules closely.  He was a no-nonsense guy."  Now, he's talking about my Dad as that was true at home, too! The day ended with a re-written song which went into a birthday celebration honoring him as a wonderful teacher who's approaching his 90th birthday in October.  

What started out to be a questionable day for both of us, turned out to be a day filled with great love and enjoyment.  A little later Dad signaled to me when it was time to go, and when I pulled up with the car, he was surrounded by men and women alike getting in their last words with their favorite teacher.  

The students of Holcomb Elementary really honored "Mr. McAlpine" in a deeply, heartfelt way and when we got back to Dad's apartment, he hunkered down in his chair and snoozed into the evening sunset. My drive home was sweet to the soul and I have one more memory for my gratitude list 💖

Counting Your Blessings?

White Christmas is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons! Do you recall Bing Crosby singing Count Your Blessings?  Here's a little snippet of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qmMaPTuTEE

When is the last time you counted your blessings with your loved ones or with the ones you love that aren't living exactly as you hoped? 

The other day, Cliff and I were discussing how time seems to be moving so quickly when suddenly he looked at the calendar and said that he was about to celebrate 10 years clean.  Ten years! Now that's something to be thankful for from his perspective and mine! 

After spending 15 years on the pathway to destruction Cliff had his moment with God who heard his heartfelt plea and removed him from the cavernous call of addiction into a life of freedom. The walk of freedom hasn't been without struggles, sometimes really hard struggles, but the call back to heroin has not been in his timeline since that day. In the same way the chaos has begun to become a thing of the past for me. Changes for me have also not come easily as one who was enmeshed in codependency and enabling. I thought I was being a good and loving mom. Ugh. 

As Cliff and I chatted he couldn't help but acknowledge just how much God had intervened and spared his life in moments of danger, provided food in moments of deep hunger and kindness from strangers when he was cold or alone. The conversation was one of gratitude and thanksgiving for Cliff. It soothed my soul as well as I thought of just how much God answered prayers in all kinds of ways for all types of situations. 

Sometimes when we're caught up in the molasses of someones addiction we struggle to find one thing to be thankful for. We can't see past our pain to the promise or hope for the future especially for the ones we love. But God says to give thanks in all circumstances! 

What?!? How in the world am I supposed to do that! Can't you see what I'm dealing with here? 

We speak to ourselves in negative and heavy ways and moment by moment we struggle to even get our eyes up off the ground.  We shake our fists at God in frustration and anger. We are so stinkin' tired of the battle that we lose sight of the hope and promise God is offering to us. 

But He says:  Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 
(Col 4:2)

You argue in your heart and mind with this thinking. But as simple as it sounds, if we practice counting our blessings one by one, as we ask God to protect the ones we love and call them into healthy living, our own mindset and outlook on life gets changed. Do you have a roof over your head, food on the table and something warm to wear when you are cold? Be thankful! You've worked hard for it, for sure, but are you thankful for your job even if the circumstances are less than ideal? Do you own a car? Do you have  pet who loves you even if you're grumpy, sad or tired? 

Honestly, you can't do anything about another persons life choices. Nothing. What should be our response? Giving it all over to God in prayer and asking Him for help in our own situations that our attitudes and behaviors would be honorable. As a parent, child or spouse of one who is still caught up in a deadly life style, you have to let them go and take care of yourself. Don't waste the years on what you cannot change. Only God has that kind of life-changing ability! 

"If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(picture googled)

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most perfect day I could have asked for.  No, it wasn't filled with parties, presents and activity.  It wasn't about some fabulous food or award winning cake.  The location wasn't lavish.  But it was perfect. 

My day began having breakfast with someone I dearly love.  We talked of many things, who we love and spoke of dreams.  I used to ride this person on my handlebars and still carry the guilt of the time I stopped too quickly and she went tumbling down on the cement. Sorry, Mary!  I'll have to work on that bad feeling another time. This post is about me and my perfect birthday! :)   

Breakfast was followed by a meeting with some other women I love regarding our recovery from co-dependency.  We come together to cheer each other on to the next step of living life in a loving, detached manner.  Agreeing that there is a fine line to still being a parent whose opinion matters compared to a parent who sees what's coming and tries to intercept. Oops!  

Following that, I drove with Cliff to Son #1's house and shared the day with Lovely Espousa, and the two mini's who are growing by leaps and bounds.   From the moment I entered their home till I tucked myself in bed at night, my heart was overflowing with gratitude and love.  It wasn't always this way. 

As a family who has walked the path of addiction, alcohol and all the other yuck that comes with a chaotic lifestyle,  this little family has sparred often as we tried to figure out our roles and place in this mix.  But God, being a merciful and loving Higher Power, Creator, Healer, Counselor and Protector, has taken this family's mess and one step at a time, has brushed us off, put salve on our wounds and moved us inch by inch into a better life.  

Our lives were probably very typical of a family in the throws of high risk living.  That chaos crept in so quietly however that it slowly became the norm, at least for me. So much so, that I didn't always see how skewed I was in my thinking. As I reflect back on the past six to seven years, I am amazed at where we are today and just how much God has moved through our lives individually and collectively calling each of us to our healthy place in the mix. 

Way back when, I couldn't see or imagine this peace in my life within the realm of my little family. In fact, I was sure the writing on the wall would always be the same negative, unhealthy message.  Yesterday was a snapshot of all that has changed and a glimpse of more to come for a family that has loved each other through thick and thin.  We haven't always liked each other much, but that's part and parcel of what's made healing all the better.  

My birthday was covered with love from start to finish. Small rumbles of conversation, children's voices and the scent of a homey meal filled the day.  May this memory burn in deeply and continue to push out the old tainted residue that no longer has a place in my life. 

It was a perfect day.  

Her Name is "Violet"

The first time we met, she seemed a bit of a misfit. Not obtrusively different but something was not like the rest of us. It was euchre night and she hadn't played much, she announced loudly. All the while her hands shook and she just seemed ill at ease. The night continued on and as we moved from table to table, I didn't give her another thought. I don't remember how much time lapsed before I saw her again when she walked into my recovery meeting. A feeling of dread crept came over me. Why, oh why, I wondered do these meetings call in anyone who is looking for a place to fit in?

Week after week "Violet" (not her real name) would show up, mostly wearing shades of purple ~ her favorite color. Her stature is larger than most and because her voice is loud you cannot ignore her presence. Violet struggled to be attentive and always wanted to comment on another person's sharing. Mostly encouragement mind you, but disruptive and sometimes advice which is a BIG no-no in recovery. Fidgeting, writing, fumbling for her notebook and sometimes leaving a table and coming back with a different chair to sit in became her noted routine. Crying was Violet's constant reaction and emotion during her sharing time. Although the reason for coming should be to fix ourselves, hahaha, we newcomers at the co-dependency tables always begin talking about whom we're trying to fix, save, or re-connect with so crying happens often at our tables.

The months moved on and I began to notice that Violet was working her recovery more seriously than anyone that passed my way. Her childhood was pretty rough, and then she'd suffered abuses at the hands of men she chose to love her. Additionally she had a platter full of medical issues which manifested in ways provoking her disruptive behaviors and so on. We began to meet as sponsor/sponsee and work the steps together. At the same time she placed herself into faith based studies and worked hard to keep pace on those lessons as well. Slowly I learned more and more about Violet that was, you know, hard to grasp at times. She'd been hurt so many times over and her family was more dis-jointed than most I met. Back surgery was approaching and arrangements were made for all the details yet neither of her children showed up to transport her home as agreed. There she was stuck in the hospital and so the calls began! One by one, different women stepped up to the plate for meals, doctor appointments and just plain visiting.

Over time I began to see Violet as a gentle woman in so many ways ~ loving and encouraging to anyone she meets and has a delightful sense of humor, especially regarding herself! The tears are rare now and her grip on the reality of her relationships is spot on. Violet's dependency upon others has shifted onto God alone, right where it belongs. I've noticed that her demeanor has softened; she's less disruptive and fidgety. When Violet isn't with us she is sorely missed.

Recently, during a gratitude list, Violet shared the things she's grateful for and the first thing out of her mouth was being grateful for this group and the meal I brought her so many months ago. I felt a bit ashamed when I recalled my inward attitude toward Violet when we first met. Violet continued to say that for the first time in her life she feels like she belongs and that she has real friends. I've learned so much from Violet especially regarding my first inward responses due to quick assessments of people I don't really know. God, I need Your help on that character defect fast.

Gratitude comes in all forms, colors and faces.

Her name is "Violet"

*All Pics Googled*