Counting Your Blessings?

White Christmas is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons! Do you recall Bing Crosby singing Count Your Blessings?  Here's a little snippet of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qmMaPTuTEE

When is the last time you counted your blessings with your loved ones or with the ones you love that aren't living exactly as you hoped? 

The other day, Cliff and I were discussing how time seems to be moving so quickly when suddenly he looked at the calendar and said that he was about to celebrate 10 years clean.  Ten years! Now that's something to be thankful for from his perspective and mine! 

After spending 15 years on the pathway to destruction Cliff had his moment with God who heard his heartfelt plea and removed him from the cavernous call of addiction into a life of freedom. The walk of freedom hasn't been without struggles, sometimes really hard struggles, but the call back to heroin has not been in his timeline since that day. In the same way the chaos has begun to become a thing of the past for me. Changes for me have also not come easily as one who was enmeshed in codependency and enabling. I thought I was being a good and loving mom. Ugh. 

As Cliff and I chatted he couldn't help but acknowledge just how much God had intervened and spared his life in moments of danger, provided food in moments of deep hunger and kindness from strangers when he was cold or alone. The conversation was one of gratitude and thanksgiving for Cliff. It soothed my soul as well as I thought of just how much God answered prayers in all kinds of ways for all types of situations. 

Sometimes when we're caught up in the molasses of someones addiction we struggle to find one thing to be thankful for. We can't see past our pain to the promise or hope for the future especially for the ones we love. But God says to give thanks in all circumstances! 

What?!? How in the world am I supposed to do that! Can't you see what I'm dealing with here? 

We speak to ourselves in negative and heavy ways and moment by moment we struggle to even get our eyes up off the ground.  We shake our fists at God in frustration and anger. We are so stinkin' tired of the battle that we lose sight of the hope and promise God is offering to us. 

But He says:  Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 
(Col 4:2)

You argue in your heart and mind with this thinking. But as simple as it sounds, if we practice counting our blessings one by one, as we ask God to protect the ones we love and call them into healthy living, our own mindset and outlook on life gets changed. Do you have a roof over your head, food on the table and something warm to wear when you are cold? Be thankful! You've worked hard for it, for sure, but are you thankful for your job even if the circumstances are less than ideal? Do you own a car? Do you have  pet who loves you even if you're grumpy, sad or tired? 

Honestly, you can't do anything about another persons life choices. Nothing. What should be our response? Giving it all over to God in prayer and asking Him for help in our own situations that our attitudes and behaviors would be honorable. As a parent, child or spouse of one who is still caught up in a deadly life style, you have to let them go and take care of yourself. Don't waste the years on what you cannot change. Only God has that kind of life-changing ability! 

"If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(picture googled)

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most perfect day I could have asked for.  No, it wasn't filled with parties, presents and activity.  It wasn't about some fabulous food or award winning cake.  The location wasn't lavish.  But it was perfect. 

My day began having breakfast with someone I dearly love.  We talked of many things, who we love and spoke of dreams.  I used to ride this person on my handlebars and still carry the guilt of the time I stopped too quickly and she went tumbling down on the cement. Sorry, Mary!  I'll have to work on that bad feeling another time. This post is about me and my perfect birthday! :)   

Breakfast was followed by a meeting with some other women I love regarding our recovery from co-dependency.  We come together to cheer each other on to the next step of living life in a loving, detached manner.  Agreeing that there is a fine line to still being a parent whose opinion matters compared to a parent who sees what's coming and tries to intercept. Oops!  

Following that, I drove with Cliff to Son #1's house and shared the day with Lovely Espousa, and the two mini's who are growing by leaps and bounds.   From the moment I entered their home till I tucked myself in bed at night, my heart was overflowing with gratitude and love.  It wasn't always this way. 

As a family who has walked the path of addiction, alcohol and all the other yuck that comes with a chaotic lifestyle,  this little family has sparred often as we tried to figure out our roles and place in this mix.  But God, being a merciful and loving Higher Power, Creator, Healer, Counselor and Protector, has taken this family's mess and one step at a time, has brushed us off, put salve on our wounds and moved us inch by inch into a better life.  

Our lives were probably very typical of a family in the throws of high risk living.  That chaos crept in so quietly however that it slowly became the norm, at least for me. So much so, that I didn't always see how skewed I was in my thinking. As I reflect back on the past six to seven years, I am amazed at where we are today and just how much God has moved through our lives individually and collectively calling each of us to our healthy place in the mix. 

Way back when, I couldn't see or imagine this peace in my life within the realm of my little family. In fact, I was sure the writing on the wall would always be the same negative, unhealthy message.  Yesterday was a snapshot of all that has changed and a glimpse of more to come for a family that has loved each other through thick and thin.  We haven't always liked each other much, but that's part and parcel of what's made healing all the better.  

My birthday was covered with love from start to finish. Small rumbles of conversation, children's voices and the scent of a homey meal filled the day.  May this memory burn in deeply and continue to push out the old tainted residue that no longer has a place in my life. 

It was a perfect day.  

Water, where are you?

Water. I've never longed for water so much in my life as I have this year. We are in such a state of heat and drought in the Midwest that water has become a coveted commodity.

Food. Have you ever been hungry? Not a noon-time starving sort of thing, but really hungry? Not knowing where or when you might get your next meal? I thought at times I've had it tough, but I never had to go without life's basic necessities.

One of the activities I've become involved with in the last year is working with a ministry in Detroit which serves the homeless a meal.  One Saturday each month our church takes a turn to put out a little meal for whomever lives under the viaducts, in the abandoned houses or curled up in a park nearby. I must confess that today I was considering finagling my way out of it. I was thinking of a million excuses simply because it is so hot out, I just didn't want to leave my comfortable house and face the heat.  Thankfully after a hustle-bustle kind of morning and hearing from others who were traveling with me, I began to get a bit motivated for the afternoon and today 7 of us went to show some love.

I was surprised when we approached the park.  Many men were already lined up to go through the clothing line and ultimately come through the chow line. Being that this is a ministry that is done right on the sidewalks we mostly see men as the women and children may find shelter elsewhere.  In this heat, 98 degrees in the shade, I was surprised to see anyone outside, but then again, where would they go? There are some cooling shelters here and there, but most aren't wanting to leave their community or their living locations. They're concerned that someone else may claim their piece of land.  

The time goes quickly and we are busy every minute. Young to old today went with me to serve, from 20 years old to seniors in their seventies. Nice!  All the while I kept thinking about what I could be grateful for on a day like this.  Well, for one thing, there was a little cool breeze under the trees where we set up.  We also had some super nice people coming through the line and it isn't always that way.  I was also grateful that I knew in my heart this discomfort was momentary.  In a few hours we would be driving 30 miles back in air-conditioned cars, going to air-conditioned homes and having a place where a nice shower could be had.  I used to take on every one's struggles and wonder and worry about them all the time. But God said that isn't my job.   The 12 steps has helped me learn a very tough thing ~ not to feel sorry for those we help.  No one needs my sympathies, they just need my helping hand. Great peace comes by doing what I can, when I can and where I can.  The rest takes care of itself. 

Ninety minutes later it was time to close up. The food was consumed, the watermelon was gone and soon the beverage bucket held nothing but ice cubes which we offered out as well. Not a drop of water could be found, but a good time was had by all.

11th Step:  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. 

11th Promise: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Life is good. 

Thank You, Whoever You Are

. 

I know I should be writing more often, but this year has been crazy. Crazy good, that is. Lot's of things are improving every day and I've spent some time in reflection on the past as more women, who are shadows of my former self, cross my path.

About 12 to 18 months prior to Cliff's incarceration I began seeking out support meetings for me. I was fledgling and he was floundering and seeing myself in my mind's eye, I realize now just what a chaotic mess I was. Life was a frenzy, always.  Finally, I went to a traditional meeting for Al-Anon and there were about 5 people in attendance. It was dry as I happened to land on a night when they read the whole book to me. Or so it seemed. We sat and listened for 50 minutes and then had 5 minutes to share. I never went back. 

Being that my faith is as much a part of me as breathing, I began to seek a faith based 12 step program and found one locally to my work.  I dialed the number to make sure that they had groups for the family members as well as the addicted.  When a male voice answered I began to inquire about family tables and he said, "I'll let you speak to my wife." She said hello, and I could barely choke out my response or my question. When she said yes they had meetings for one such as me, I felt the need to try and tell her a little bit about my situation.

Then the flood gates burst wide open.

I literally sobbed on the phone to her for at least 3 minutes unable to form an audible sound. Guttural groans and abundant tears flowed out from me as if someone just unscrewed the cap on a street hydrant. And she just quietly sat and listened to me cry. An unknown to me, through this plastic piece of equipment in my hand received my hurt and let me sob it out. That had never happened before. Clearly I was in such a state of disrepair, anguish and sorrow that these tears had to come in order for me to take one more step.  I must have been very near the end of my rope.

That listening ear gave me a little peace of my life back that day. I went to those meetings for only a brief amount of time as it seems that my heart and my brain just didn't connect completely. But it gave me a foretaste of what I could have and so desperately wanted and needed. 

Sanity. Calm. Peace. Order. Sleep.

These things among many others had been absent from my life for so long that finally about a year later, I ended up in recovery.  It's been 3 years now.and my life is  radically different and so improved I know I will choose to never go back to living my life in that chaos again. I choose to stay in recovery, accountability and friendships that urge me and challenge me to grow daily in my skills toward living a healthy life while trusting God, my Higher Power, to walk beside me each step of the way. 

Thank you, whoever you are. You'll never know how instrumental you were in helping me take a step toward saving myself. 

Then again, maybe you do.


*Photo by Erika Thorpe, American Physical Society

Memorial Day.....

Typically, Memorial Day is set aside to be mindful, thankful and prayerful for the men and women who have and are laying down their life for this country we live in.

I was on a retreat this weekend unlike any other I've experienced. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought this was specifically a recovery retreat~but then, in my opinion, that's what God is all about anyway. He's been restoring and drawing His creation back into a healthy, whole and loving relationship since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden. The retreat went from Friday evening until Sunday evening and it was quite intimate. The theme was God's Unfailing Love.

Arriving home late Sunday night I should have gone directly to bed. But my thoughts wouldn't stop playing out the scenes I witnessed all weekend. Amazing healing, discovery, and peace were given to different people for different wounds. I went to bed in a thankful frame of mind, body and soul.

Monday morning came with a quiet and peaceful start. I had time for a devotional and to enjoy a cup of coffee in the still of the morning as the birds sang songs outside my window ~ it was the type of morning that commercials are made of. :) Son #1 and family were coming over and it would be the first time in months we gathered at my home and the first time in several years we would all be together free from the creep (addiction)!

My grandgirls arrived and I delighted in the day from beginning to end. It was such a peaceful and lighthearted get-together I didn't want it to end. Mini-chick shadowed Cliff constantly watching his every move and questioning his every action. If Cliff was outside she wanted me to take her out. When he went back inside, we went back inside. While cooking on the grill, Mini was at the doorwall observing and making small chit-chat with Cliff. Later on, Cliff was on the floor getting acquainted with Bambina II. Son #1 and Lovely Espousa are a joy to watch as they parent these happy little girls in my life. I love it!

This memorial day was a day of reflection for so many with military connections. Not disregarding that fact, it was a day of reflection for me with my family too. Our visit was real, and pleasant, and openly enjoyed by all and it was the first time we've all been together without the shadow of addiction twisting the day into something unhealthy or destructive. We savored the day ~ all of us! As the evening marched on we watched Family Guy's episode of Star Wars, which is quite funny if you haven't seen it. Mini-chick was scarfing homemade brownies (okay, not really scarfing but definitely enjoying them!) and Lovely Espousa was cuddling Bambina II when someone asked the time. It was 9:15 and we were all surprised at how late the day had become. I loved it!

Memorial Day.

Remembering with gratefulness battles militarily and spiritually that have been won at great cost.

Peace.


*All pictures are mine!*

Give Thanks

Paws and Pray before you eat today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Fugitive

Cliff and I attended our first meeting together last night and when we broke to tables, someone said to me, "I met your beaming son and you're beaming too!" I had no idea that I was so transparent! I always thought I was very good at playing it cool, so to speak. I figured that I kept an even demeanor in my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions. I'm so wrong about this! I couldn't play poker to save my life.

Cliff and I shared small snippets of heart to heart chatter. We also shared a few laughs and of course broke bread together. At the end of our day Cliff mentioned another meeting for himself this week and who he thought he might like to be sponsored by. I suggested that he consider attending meetings a few more weeks before he make that decision but it was only a suggestion! He will have to figure this out for himself and I will have to keep my nose attached to my own face.

One of the beautiful parts about yesterday is that Cliff seemed genuinely happy to be WITH me. He had to report and meet his parole officer immediately following his release. Soon Cliff , his mentor and I were sitting in the cramped, dirty parole office that will become part of his life for a while. Naturally, the probation/parole community is exactly that. A community of sorts that is the closest thing to a college fraternity that I can imagine most in that room will ever have. We had to wait for almost two hours for Cliff to be processed, drug tested and seen by his P.O. The best part of all of this time though, was watching him interact with his "peers" as you can't go into one of these offices without knowing someone from a past incarceration. He's become much more gentler, agreeable and focused this past year. He seemed to not slip into talking the talk of those he used to try to fit in with. Cliff looked different than the rest. His clothes were neat and he spoke with clarity and grammar like any other professional adult you encounter during a typical day. He even said to several sitting there, "this is my mom." Whaaaaa??? Years past, he wouldn't have had one conversation in front of me with any of his familiar cohorts. He would have tried to demand that I wait in the car despite the cold weather. Grumbling, complaining and criticism would have ruled the day the minute he was a free man.

Cliff's talking about moving forward and perhaps schooling. I could leap out of my skin when he says things like that. Of course, the real proof will be in the pudding which will happen only when this talk becomes actions. Cliff said that for himself and I'm grateful for his self-examination and desire to change his life.

The fugitive no longer lives here.

Yesterday was a long but very good day and I will take it exactly for what it was. No reading into it, no second guessing today or tomorrow or the next.

Grateful, thankful, grateful, thankful......

*All Pics Googled