Valentine, Shmalentine

VALENTINE, SHMALENTINE!

Are you cringing with the approaching celebration of Valentine's Day? You know, that day that makes many hearts knot up rather than cheer up.  Billions of dollars ($13,290,000,000 in 2016) is spent worldwide but most of the spending is done in the US. We love a reason to romance, it seems.  

Over the years I've known many couples who choose to NOT spend and celebrate Valentines Day in the traditional fashion, but rather show love in a personal way that requires some thought and planning. Perhaps one partner rising before the other to be sure the coffee is brewing nice and early.  A handwritten note of what makes your loved one special in your eyes, or celebrating with your favorite burgers as a splurge for the week. There may not be a lot of glamour with those options, but they are options that could make a memory to last a lifetime. 

As your family is facing a day of unwanted turmoil in the midst of crisis, how can you show love, especially for yourself?  The Codependent, Enabler or Caregiver is often passed over on days like this. It's a lonely day of feeling unloved, uncelebrated or more simply, unnoticed. 

What choices do we have? I hope you're still not hibernating through your chaos. I hope you've found a support group or recovery meeting to call home and a group that you can do some fun things with, too. We often get into groups and do nothing but hone in on all of our problems and worries. There's no help or healing in those types of groups. Find people that know how to celebrate each day despite the choices others are making and who urge you on to a brighter future for you. 

Learn to appreciate that you are a child of the Creator who longs to see you step into His plan for you. That plan wasn't to be torturous or sad.  So, what to do? 

Take a child to a movie or take yourself! There are plenty of good movies to choose from and they aren't all romantic comedies if that's your stumbling block. Here are a few other suggestions: 

• Save your pennies through the year and splurge on a little something for yourself if you need to feel the extra love on Valentines day. 
• Go to the salon, or get a pedicure or look for a sweet bracelet that means something to you. Too much money? Buy a new color of nail polish or download some of those coloring pages you like so well. 
• Visit your local florist. A few roses in a vase can lift anyone's spirit and they don't cost an arm and a leg. Still too much? Choose my favorite: Carnations!
• Get an Ice Cream Sundae - Go ahead!! 

You get the idea. I know several area groups that have had Stupid Cupid nights which involved singles and marrieds. Pot-Luck meals and games and tons of laughs which does a heart good.  The Bible Says "A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing. But a broken spirit dries up the bones."  When we allow our feelings and emotions to rule our day it shows all over us!! 

Remember, the 3C's.  You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. 

Find your joy today!

Oh, and these are for you  =)

Christmas Peace

It took me completely by surprise at our Christmas family gathering. My sister-in-love has a pretty purple tree covered with lots of beautiful little ornamental fairies, butterflies and other mini-sized trinkets. Earlier I had noticed a few small picture frame ornaments with photos of SIL's mom and dad who have passed away. Later in the day, I sort of heard my sister speaking to me as I was looking all around the tree again, sort of lost in my own world.  Suddenly her voice came into my listening space and she said  "that must have been at A & K's wedding. Doesn't she look great?"   My gaze zeroed in on what my sister was referring too, and I realized it was a picture of our mom smiling beautifully wearing a lovely red dress. My breath was taken away and I kept saying to my sister, "wait, is that our mom?? That's mom!?!"  Then I dissolved into a quiet sob.  In a low voice I said to my sister that I've been missing Mom so much this past year.  And since that moment on Saturday, I've been in a very melancholy mood and weepy every time I think of Mom. And you know what?  It's okay and it's not taking anything away from this Christmas holiday. 

I'm so thankful that I didn't grow up in an environment that focused on dates, memories or situations that came along with pain and hence forth believed that forever after that date was ruined or tarnished.  I believe that's probably what let me spend many a holiday without my sons when they were younger, without Cliff when he was in his addiction, or without the presence of any of those I loved. 

I was reading a post today written by Alissa Parker. The Parker's are one of the families that lost their beautiful first grader in last year's Sandy Hook tragedy.  How they've handled their pain and grief is enlightening and healthy.  As codependents or enablers, we've often stuffed our feelings in an effort to get everyone onto the same page or we've given our best effort to make everything appear as if nothing's missing or wrong.  How refreshing it is to be able to shed a few tears for a few minutes and then move on. And sometimes they are shed again and then you move on again.  It's not a lock down of grief but a process of moving through hurt or pain.  It's living life that is filled with all kinds of emotions and events and we need to give ourselves the gift of balance.  Mourning and dancing truly can be done in the same memory!! 

Don't cling to your hurts.  Embrace the joy and face the grief head on.  It's not a battle you're in. These are allowable feelings and healing is sure to follow.  No one or nothing can ruin your holiday unless you give them permission to do so.  My sons addiction had nothing to do with the birth of God's only son, Jesus. Shed a tear if necessary and then look for the Light of Life as you take the next right step. Practice the Steps you've learned.  May the truth of Christmas be welcomed into your thinking as you take care of yourself in the days ahead. 

Peace. 

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most perfect day I could have asked for.  No, it wasn't filled with parties, presents and activity.  It wasn't about some fabulous food or award winning cake.  The location wasn't lavish.  But it was perfect. 

My day began having breakfast with someone I dearly love.  We talked of many things, who we love and spoke of dreams.  I used to ride this person on my handlebars and still carry the guilt of the time I stopped too quickly and she went tumbling down on the cement. Sorry, Mary!  I'll have to work on that bad feeling another time. This post is about me and my perfect birthday! :)   

Breakfast was followed by a meeting with some other women I love regarding our recovery from co-dependency.  We come together to cheer each other on to the next step of living life in a loving, detached manner.  Agreeing that there is a fine line to still being a parent whose opinion matters compared to a parent who sees what's coming and tries to intercept. Oops!  

Following that, I drove with Cliff to Son #1's house and shared the day with Lovely Espousa, and the two mini's who are growing by leaps and bounds.   From the moment I entered their home till I tucked myself in bed at night, my heart was overflowing with gratitude and love.  It wasn't always this way. 

As a family who has walked the path of addiction, alcohol and all the other yuck that comes with a chaotic lifestyle,  this little family has sparred often as we tried to figure out our roles and place in this mix.  But God, being a merciful and loving Higher Power, Creator, Healer, Counselor and Protector, has taken this family's mess and one step at a time, has brushed us off, put salve on our wounds and moved us inch by inch into a better life.  

Our lives were probably very typical of a family in the throws of high risk living.  That chaos crept in so quietly however that it slowly became the norm, at least for me. So much so, that I didn't always see how skewed I was in my thinking. As I reflect back on the past six to seven years, I am amazed at where we are today and just how much God has moved through our lives individually and collectively calling each of us to our healthy place in the mix. 

Way back when, I couldn't see or imagine this peace in my life within the realm of my little family. In fact, I was sure the writing on the wall would always be the same negative, unhealthy message.  Yesterday was a snapshot of all that has changed and a glimpse of more to come for a family that has loved each other through thick and thin.  We haven't always liked each other much, but that's part and parcel of what's made healing all the better.  

My birthday was covered with love from start to finish. Small rumbles of conversation, children's voices and the scent of a homey meal filled the day.  May this memory burn in deeply and continue to push out the old tainted residue that no longer has a place in my life. 

It was a perfect day.  

JOY!

Still floating on the words that were written in the letter from Cliff, I wanted to share something more with you.

By now, many of you have read the letter from my prior post and are encouraged as I am of the words he wrote. My little sister and I caught up by phone last night (an hour and 10 minutes worth!). She lives in WY and has been very active in recovery for about six years, I think (I'm so proud of you!). When we were yakking last night, I read her Cliff's letter. She said, "that's a letter from a MAN." Wow. I can hardly choke back my emotions when I re-read the letter and hear those words.

That brings me to this. Yesterday at a small, intimate study I go to, one of the questions we were discussing was "What circumstances in your life are not working out, or didn't work out as you thought God would work them out?"

My mentor shared of a very difficult time when she was involved in a ministry that God removed her from. As she shared her heartache the other participant and I agreed that we were so blessed to have her now in our lives as a result of the change that occurred in hers. I had a moment to reflect again on the question and looked at the second part of it; What circumstances didn't work out as you thought God would work them out.

One year ago, when I started recovery meetings and attending church regularly again, I couldn't have imagined that I would be this healthy person looking forward to my son coming out of prison. All I could do then was beg God for relief for myself and intervention in Cliff's life. This relationship was so close to being severed forever in my way of thinking. I never, ever imagined receiving letters like I have the past few months, or having conversations with my son who is clearly maturing and becoming healthy in mind, body and soul.

"We will heal and learn together instead of against one another."

That fills me with so much joy! My God is working this out in a much greater way than I ever would have believed would be done for me. I said I believed it but my heart wouldn't wrap around it.

Oh me, of little faith!

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Eph 3:20,21 The Message