The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

gustavofrazao - Fotolia

Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go. "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor  and break in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

Valentine, Shmalentine

VALENTINE, SHMALENTINE!

Are you cringing with the approaching celebration of Valentine's Day? You know, that day that makes many hearts knot up rather than cheer up.  Billions of dollars ($13,290,000,000 in 2016) is spent worldwide but most of the spending is done in the US. We love a reason to romance, it seems.  

Over the years I've known many couples who choose to NOT spend and celebrate Valentines Day in the traditional fashion, but rather show love in a personal way that requires some thought and planning. Perhaps one partner rising before the other to be sure the coffee is brewing nice and early.  A handwritten note of what makes your loved one special in your eyes, or celebrating with your favorite burgers as a splurge for the week. There may not be a lot of glamour with those options, but they are options that could make a memory to last a lifetime. 

As your family is facing a day of unwanted turmoil in the midst of crisis, how can you show love, especially for yourself?  The Codependent, Enabler or Caregiver is often passed over on days like this. It's a lonely day of feeling unloved, uncelebrated or more simply, unnoticed. 

What choices do we have? I hope you're still not hibernating through your chaos. I hope you've found a support group or recovery meeting to call home and a group that you can do some fun things with, too. We often get into groups and do nothing but hone in on all of our problems and worries. There's no help or healing in those types of groups. Find people that know how to celebrate each day despite the choices others are making and who urge you on to a brighter future for you. 

Learn to appreciate that you are a child of the Creator who longs to see you step into His plan for you. That plan wasn't to be torturous or sad.  So, what to do? 

Take a child to a movie or take yourself! There are plenty of good movies to choose from and they aren't all romantic comedies if that's your stumbling block. Here are a few other suggestions: 

• Save your pennies through the year and splurge on a little something for yourself if you need to feel the extra love on Valentines day. 
• Go to the salon, or get a pedicure or look for a sweet bracelet that means something to you. Too much money? Buy a new color of nail polish or download some of those coloring pages you like so well. 
• Visit your local florist. A few roses in a vase can lift anyone's spirit and they don't cost an arm and a leg. Still too much? Choose my favorite: Carnations!
• Get an Ice Cream Sundae - Go ahead!! 

You get the idea. I know several area groups that have had Stupid Cupid nights which involved singles and marrieds. Pot-Luck meals and games and tons of laughs which does a heart good.  The Bible Says "A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing. But a broken spirit dries up the bones."  When we allow our feelings and emotions to rule our day it shows all over us!! 

Remember, the 3C's.  You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. 

Find your joy today!

Oh, and these are for you  =)

Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

You tube and picture googled

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

Christmas Peace

It took me completely by surprise at our Christmas family gathering. My sister-in-love has a pretty purple tree covered with lots of beautiful little ornamental fairies, butterflies and other mini-sized trinkets. Earlier I had noticed a few small picture frame ornaments with photos of SIL's mom and dad who have passed away. Later in the day, I sort of heard my sister speaking to me as I was looking all around the tree again, sort of lost in my own world.  Suddenly her voice came into my listening space and she said  "that must have been at A & K's wedding. Doesn't she look great?"   My gaze zeroed in on what my sister was referring too, and I realized it was a picture of our mom smiling beautifully wearing a lovely red dress. My breath was taken away and I kept saying to my sister, "wait, is that our mom?? That's mom!?!"  Then I dissolved into a quiet sob.  In a low voice I said to my sister that I've been missing Mom so much this past year.  And since that moment on Saturday, I've been in a very melancholy mood and weepy every time I think of Mom. And you know what?  It's okay and it's not taking anything away from this Christmas holiday. 

I'm so thankful that I didn't grow up in an environment that focused on dates, memories or situations that came along with pain and hence forth believed that forever after that date was ruined or tarnished.  I believe that's probably what let me spend many a holiday without my sons when they were younger, without Cliff when he was in his addiction, or without the presence of any of those I loved. 

I was reading a post today written by Alissa Parker. The Parker's are one of the families that lost their beautiful first grader in last year's Sandy Hook tragedy.  How they've handled their pain and grief is enlightening and healthy.  As codependents or enablers, we've often stuffed our feelings in an effort to get everyone onto the same page or we've given our best effort to make everything appear as if nothing's missing or wrong.  How refreshing it is to be able to shed a few tears for a few minutes and then move on. And sometimes they are shed again and then you move on again.  It's not a lock down of grief but a process of moving through hurt or pain.  It's living life that is filled with all kinds of emotions and events and we need to give ourselves the gift of balance.  Mourning and dancing truly can be done in the same memory!! 

Don't cling to your hurts.  Embrace the joy and face the grief head on.  It's not a battle you're in. These are allowable feelings and healing is sure to follow.  No one or nothing can ruin your holiday unless you give them permission to do so.  My sons addiction had nothing to do with the birth of God's only son, Jesus. Shed a tear if necessary and then look for the Light of Life as you take the next right step. Practice the Steps you've learned.  May the truth of Christmas be welcomed into your thinking as you take care of yourself in the days ahead. 

Peace. 

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

Full Circle

So much has been happening in my world as of late.  I finally took some of my posts that others had urged me to put into book form and published a small book of the same title as my blog.  Enabling Love went public about 4 weeks ago.  It is pretty exciting, I must say but the biggest part of the news is just how far I've come from 5 or 6  years ago when I was an enabling mess.  To this day, I continue to ask God to help me work on my own character defects and will till the day I die, I'm sure.

Completing this book was simply a milestone for me as it allowed me to finally reach and complete a goal in my life.  I've had many visions of grandeur and some were probably not at all impossible but given the lifestyle I was in, there was no way I would reach that goal. Repeatedly I said I was going to do something, or often in my conversations I would hear myself say "I ought to do ...". Ohhhhh, them's fightin' words to me now!  That old "ought to" thinking is far behind me but I see it over there lurking about waiting to grab me by my ankles and pull me quickly into another dance I'd rather not perform. Finally, I accomplished something I promised myself I would do and therein lies the gratification proving to me that I have grown and changed.  Before, I was living in a lie that told me my chances to do anything differently or to live life differently were past me.  Ha!   That's one of the lies of chaos, addiction and enabling.  It seemed I lived my life almost voyeur-like, intensely observing others success-filled lives in amazement. Frozen in place and time I watched person after person make choices, travel places, laugh more and love better than I; at least it seemed that way.  I was allowing all the unreal, untrue thoughts to rob me of the present and hold me hostage from moving into the steps that would take me to a different future. I'm so,  so happy to have that thinking and behavior out of my life and replaced with healthy, positive truths.

Not long ago, I wrote about the changes in my life with a new house and a huge step of setting Cliff free from me.  Nine months ago he wasn't as eager to take the step as I was but over the past several months now, I've come to see just how freeing that change was for me. I had just about come full circle in learning and living a 12 Step life but saw that I could just as easily have stepped back into unhealthy, codependent choices too.  

Three weeks ago, I received a phone call from Cliff to say that he was out of a job.  The place where he worked seemed to often dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his face that would take him into management had let him go.  They worked him like a manager, he put in the hours like a manager and more, and would jump at the chance to fill in when someone else didn't meet the schedule as planned. Cliff hit a snag and they parted ways.   From my perspective he learned a big life lesson through these months; paying his own way and answering for himself.  Major lessons for a former addict. 

So, as I thought might happen, the phone call came and the discussion went like this:

Cliff:  "I love it here but nothings coming my way" I think I might have to come back to Michigan. 

Me:    "Oh?" I say.  "And where will you go?" I asked, waiting to hear his answer. 

Cliff:  "I've been talking to John and he said for sure they'd love to have me on their crew. Remember they wanted me in April? 

Me:   "Yes, I do recall that. But I also recall promised hours that never seemed to come, remember?"

Cliff:    "Well, to be honest (yes, we're making progress!!!) I didn't always keep my word to them so they would go on without me"

Me:    "I figured as much but you had to admit it for yourself"

Cliff:  "Mom, I've grown up a lot this year and I don't work that way anymore. I don't like sitting around not working. I really don't go out and party either" 

Me:   "Where will you live?" 

Sure enough his first suggestion was that maybe he could come here.  I said no.  What if it's just briefly? I said no.  My conversation with Cliff continued and he wanted my input, so I gave it.  

You are 32, I reminded him, and we aren't roommates. Continue as you have lived, like a man taking care of business. Confirm with John your wage and your starting date. Then call a few options in WL to see if you can pay rent and live there. And write down your goals! 

Another hour or so later the phone rang again and Cliff called to say that he worked it all out and I feel as if I've finally gone full circle and closed the gap for myself.  The art of saying no has found its way into my vocabulary and it came without false guilt of hurting someone else's feelings.

In fact, it came across so well, that our conversation ended this way:

"Mom, if I ever want to come over to hang out for a weekend, can I come?"   

The boundary has been made in a clear and healthy way! 

Yay!!



*pic Googled*

Happy Birthday, Daniel

It's hard to fathom that we went our separate ways 21 years ago. I wonder if you are aware just how much I think of you, always with love.  I imagine you in your daily life but in reality I realize that I'm probably way off in my imaginary world. This happens every year as your birthday and mine ride arm in arm, back to back.

We stared at each other for such a long time, drinking in every little detail; every fine feature as if cataloging each item into a little memory byte for future recall. Finally, when the moment came and we parted, I thought my guts would come unglued from sobbing until there weren't any more tears. Guttural groans rose up inside of me like bile before a violent flu reaction. It wasn't nice. It didn't feel good at all. But it was right. Oh, I questioned myself repeatedly for days following our parting. Was this the right decision? What could I offer you besides unconditional love?

In my mind and on paper I wrote prose and poetry exclaiming my love for you. Have you ever read them? Did I ever give them to you? I loved seeing pictures of you on occasion or hearing of your life's activities proving that you were well and happy. I could never have imaged that this is where I would be when I tried to look ahead all those years ago.

You came along in a very tumultuous time in my life.  Nothing was going as planned because there really wasn't a good plan. I lived in a chaotic place trying to make sense of nonsense. Believing lies instead of seeking truth. I ran after every whim of empty promises and moments of happiness that blew my way. Where was my foundation? Crumbling underneath me. I never knew that I was struggling in denial of codependency. I really didn't know that this wasn't the way everyone lived.  I couldn't figure out how to rise above my circumstances so I wallowed and played and stomped around in the mud waiting for the next big promise to come along.

The decision I had to make was just about the most difficult one I've ever made, but it was the first step in doing the 'next right thing'. I chose your parents with great deliberation and love.   I prayed for direction and wisdom and received strength to carry out and carry on when I wanted to just throw my hands up and say "I changed my mind!". I longed for you to experience what I had known with siblings and sharing with others and not necessarily being the king of the house. I hope you know what I mean by that. :)

Today, I recalled the words from your grandfather who thanked me for such a great gift in their lives. In my heart I thank God for allowing me to hear those words and be encouraged by the decision I made so long ago.

Happy Birthday, Daniel. I pray that someday you will know for sure just how much I've loved and prayed for you all these twenty-one years. May you walk with God as you mature into the man He always planned for you to be.

He has shown all you people what is good.
   And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
   and to walk humbly with your God. 

Micah 6:8

Yes? No?

Being a recovering codependent isn't easy. What others do day in and day out "just because" isn't so easy for one like me. We scrutinize our every  move. We question many of our day to day decisions as to whether or not we are being enabling or codependent. It happens at home, at work and even among extended family gatherings. Sigh.

Truly, ignorance is bliss. Sometimes.

I'm amazed at what I've learned about myself in the past 3 years. I've spent many years in and out of counseling offices, for which I am grateful. They were helpful and necessary for the times when I needed it but enabling and codependency never came up. Maybe the symptoms didn't reveal themselves so easily. I maintain that often, some things we do are simply out of love as a mother, wife, friend, sister or daughter. It seems that in many relationships I was just fine. The relationships where my sickness became so enmeshed with life are the relationships that were closest to me. Being a wife and mother. How could I have been so sick? Was I always this way or did it develop as a means of trying to survive unhealthy situations? I suppose this could be answered as easily as which came first, the chicken or the egg.

All I know is that now my eyes are wide open and I'm checking myself often. It truly helps at work and at home when I put into practice a healthy mindset. Learning to say no, without waiting until I'm pushed into an overwhelmed state of mind, is so much nicer. Because I've learned (and am still learning) to say no when it's appropriate, my yes is truer. I can say yes without guilt because I say no when it's good for me ~and for others. I'm learning that saying no doesn't make me a big meanie and saying yes only when it's good for me frees me up to enjoy what I'm committing too instead of feeling overwhelmed and resentful. If I'm not clear on yes or no for me, I may as well consult the magic 8 ball, and we know how that works out!

The 12 steps and God's word works for me!

"And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, 'I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, 'God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."
                                           Matt 5:33-37 (The MSG)

All pics googled*