So this is Christmas.....

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun"

Each year the strains of this tune by the legendary John Lennon gain strength and echo out this famous question through the festivities of the season.  Dare I say that I'm not a huge John Lennon fan (gasp!) but I sing along with my generation whenever this song is playing. 

This season of the year which is a joyous celebration for so many, especially if you are a Believer of Jesus, is also a season of anguish for just as many at the very same time. "And what have you done?" echoes through my mind like a tolling bell reminding me of some things that have simply never changed. 

Oh, I spent years kicking it around and played out scenes over and over of what would be different if only I had made a different decision, but as you know if you're in recovery, that scenario is a dead-end street. Sometimes the residue of stinkin-thinkin creeps into a fairly routine life now, just to shake things up a bit if I'm not on my toes and wearing my shoes of awareness. It's easy to play the same record of regret over and over if this year isn't any different than last.  Perhaps you don't know where your addict is but repeatedly you set a plate for him at the dinner table just in case he arrives on your doorstep. You don't notice the others rolling their eyes when he shows up, or you choose not to notice because you think for a moment, the fatted calf has come home.   Maybe you don't leave the house because, you know, you don't want her to walk into an empty home on Christmas. When and if she does walk in, the turmoil wafts in with her, just like the cloud that surrounds Pig-Pen wherever he goes, but you choose not to see.

"So, what have you done?" Are you in the same boat as you were last Christmas and the year before that and the year before that? Oh, I surely hope not!

Addiction and alcoholism are no respecter of seasonal calendars and today someone's phone will ring with the news that their addict overdosed or their drunk blacked out and never regained consciousness.  Are you sitting in the dark with the Christmas tree on counting your blessings or bracing yourself for that phone call? Are you in a state of mourning year after year for what can't be changed?  Have you taken the steps this past year walking into wellness with others who will support you if your phone rings with tragic news? 

Perhaps your vision is blurry with one bad decision after another. But here's the good news - Jesus was born for this situation.  Yes, contrary to what many would say, Jesus came back for the sick, not the righteous.  He came to redeem the wretched man or woman, not the one who toes the line, believing they don't need a Savior while looking down at the others.  Jesus also came to help you walk out of that chaos.

Possibly you have a relationship with Jesus but stumble through the debris of loving an addict.  You're most definitely not alone but you can trust that God doesn't want you to continue to choose someone else's life over your own well being and relationship with Him.  Jesus was born in a stable to reach even the most downcast soul and lead them in a different direction if only they choose to walk with Him.  You can choose for yourself, too.  If the one you love won't decide to live a clean and sober life that's up to them but you can decide differently for yourself and be set free! The choices they make have nothing to do with your heart of celebration today or any day.

Remember the father of the Prodigal Son?  He didn't run around town asking people to keep an eye on his son who was determined to go his own way and purposely live against the Jewish laws he was raised to respect.  He didn't try to circumvent the problems at all.  No, he just merely kept an eye out for his return and when he came home a changed man, the father welcomed him home with joy!

I pray that if you celebrate Christmas today, that you will find joy in the midst of those you are with, and if you are alone today, don't look for reasons to feel sorry about it.  Watch a movie you've been wanting to see, read a book that's waiting to be opened.  Play the music you love at the highest volume you can handle.  Take a walk, make something you like to eat, but just be sure to find some joy in your day and a reason to be thankful.  Watch the Grinch or It's a Wonderful Life and see if you can relate to the ending!

Christmas isn't about romance, food comas or gifts galore. It's about God's love for you.  Find it - believe it and walk in it.  I promise - you WILL find joy.

Merry Christmas!   

Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

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Still Coping?

Coping, or my version of it, was beyond healthy in any capacity. In spite of coming from a large family I dearly love, being helped in a day to day way was out of the question. As Detroit changed dramatically, my circle of family and friends were spread out and separated in locality just as dramatically. When a family enters a crisis lifestyle, which is what it was for us, being separated from loved ones can really send you reeling into another dimension entirely.

Due to the unconscious rewinding and replaying over and over again of words that were derogatory, my mind battled between truth and lies. Somehow, the lies seemed to set the stage for decisions I made for years beyond. My marriage was so unhealthy that I looked for acceptance, love, and self-worth through men who would say what they thought I needed to hear. The problem was, I was such an empty vessel, I fell for one after the other thinking "this was it!"

Boy, was I out of my mind. With the thinking that was stinking up my life, how was I parenting, working or functioning in a healthy and positive way? The debris around my life clearly states that I wasn't functioning as well as I thought. I just didn't see the effects on my life as they truly were. All of this without a drink or drug in sight.

I had close friends and a church family who helped me in many ways, but often I just wasn't able to share the deepest struggles regarding me or my sons (keeping secrets). Sometimes when I did share, people often didn't know what to say or how to help me. I wasn't healthy enough to either see or hear or was to prideful when God placed others in my path to help. Years later, I'm picking up pieces and putting myself back together to be the person God was always encouraging and intending for me to be.

Step One is as meaningful to me as to any one else in a Twelve Step program.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.


Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole.