Chasing The Sun

I raised the window shade at my seat and peered into the dark sky. It was 3:10am and the noisy aircraft was dark and quiet inside. My honorary traveling daughter was seated somewhere else in this rig, and I had all the sleep I was going to get tonight so I played a word game on my phone while occasionally glancing out the window wondering where Waldo might be. Is he still missing?

I went back to my game when a few minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I felt a glimpse of a new day breaking. And just like that, in a matter of 10 minutes, the sky began to give way to colors belonging only to the dawn of day. I hurriedly switched my phone to the camera option and tried to capture each changing second for all the world to see, but sadly my phone is no match for my eyes and those tell tale seconds will belong only to my memory.

Finally, the clouds below were visible and to me they looked like pillows of cotton, lying in heaps and heaps as if freshly shorn from a million sheep. We were chasing the daylight at 3:40 am, and second by second the terrain changed from my window view.  As if the ground was only 50 ft below, I stared out the window at the changing clouds and imagined every view from a lake to a snow capped mountain range to a farmers pattern of crops covering acres of land as far as the eye could see.  Excitedly we were chasing after the sun to start this new day and I visualized all the ways we would spend the next 24 hours when we got to our destination. For some reason, my thoughts briefly turned to Dorian and the obliteration lying in it's aftermath over the Bahama Islands and the only thing I could offer was a whispered prayer to my Creator who surely seemed to be only feet away.

Suddenly the clouds below began to shift and sway, some seeming to ride along with us as if escorting this bird to Iceland, while revealing layers of clouds beneath reminding me just how far off the ground we were. 

At 4:01am, it's daylight out there and I can't wait to get this day started. It's sunny from my position and I hope you are seeing the same. You have a new 24 hours in front of you, just as the Creator planned. In my daily life, I chase after The Son, who brings me peace beyond understanding and guides me through the most trivial moments and the most difficult decisions I need to make. He is reaching out His hand to you, too.

Who are you chasing today?

Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go. "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor  and break in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

So, when was the last time you heard some words that made you feel valued as a person? Not words about your clothing, your physical appearance or the car you drive but words about your character or behavior?  Yesterday was my last day of work at the oil company I joined last November.  When I was hired in I really believed I found my last forever place but it didn't go down that way. It's funny how we like to talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month or next year because we feel like when we put a plan in place that we've decided well and it should not change quickly.  But that's not always the way it turns out. 

In the Bible, James 4:14-15 says: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that."

The older I get the more I realize that our lives are but snippets of seasons.  God moves and directs us, whether you are aware or not, in and out of scenarios and situations for a season.  Your season may be years but it may be a moment in time. I'm thankful that I've come to a place in life that I recognize that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Why delay the next move if you acknowledge the One who directs your path?  

Finding my niche at the oil company was not hard, but the processes were difficult.  The software they purchased some years back was not at all sales or user friendly and seemed cumbersome and inefficient to me.  It created many extra steps needed on a busy sales desk to process an order because the program didn't connect all the dots to all departments as promised. Recognizing that I couldn't change the system or fight for improvement any longer,  I had to determine if I could fit into the process or move on. I had my eyes on several opportunities, when an opportunity came to me. It seemed right and brings me some flexibility that I am looking for so after some discussion with trusted friends and prayer for peace of mind, I accepted the new opportunity.  I gave my resignation. 

Two weeks later as I made my way through the management team and different departments to bid adieu, one by one I was told ‘whether you know it or not, your being here really made a difference for the better.’  I was stunned and more than that, I was thankful.  Instead of regretting the choice I made 7 months ago, I realize that this season seemed to be a needed confidence booster and training ground as I got my footing back in the race. It gave me time to gain a steady pace, brush up on the language of business semantics and hone my skills that God gave me making me a desired hiree even at retirement age.  It’s not easy to interview against potential candidates half my age, but if God’s behind it He will shine His spotlight on you! As I made my way through the ranks yesterday, I was told by a decision maker, that if things didn’t work out where I was going, to reach out and I would be welcomed back.  Nice!

Never count yourself out!

All pics googled 

Practice the Pause

Spring seems to be showing itself around here, unseasonably early. Most are welcoming the weather with great joy! I like it too, but am somewhat apprehensive that winter is over just yet. However, today is fabulous so I'll get out there and give my car some much needed attention. :) 

I claimed this year to be the year of de-clutter for me. When Cliff was in addiction, I probably really needed to do this mundane task but my mind couldn't make a solid decision on what to keep and what to toss. Some people are true taskmasters and relish the opportunity to dig in deep when their plate is loaded with family struggles. They find healing and clarity through the process ~ it's quite cathartic. Me? I was looking for love in all the wrong places - through food and a comfy chair with a blanket. I simply sank deeper into my personal world of woe and twisted my mind all around the challenge and life of my son. An unhealthy reality for me really had nothing to do with Cliff. I didn't have any skills in life care. And I didn't pursue them well. It was just easier for me to place the blame on everything else going on around me only I didn't notice that I was doing life that way. All of my statements began with "some day, I'm going to ..." or "some day, I'm going to be..." or "some day, my prince will come...".   You get the idea. 

Now, it's years later and thankfully Cliff is in a healthier place, but so am I. And my healthier choices are unrelated to Cliff's life choices. They are my own.  

The years can be helpful or hateful. I am happy to see that in my life, recovery has brought me to a place of well being and hopefully wisdom. I find that I've been able to learn to pause and listen to what God, my Higher Power, would like me to know. It comes slowly at times and often through prayer and meditation but sometimes through the affirmations of others in conversation. They don't even know they are being used by God to tell me something He wants me to know!

Learning to pause allows you to take a breath. Sit back and process what's really going on. Don't let others ever push you into something you aren't willing to say yes to.  The person that's trying to rush your decision  making process is usually out for one thing. Themselves.  

Pause often through the day. Let your spirit be at ease. Sometimes you have to practice the pause every hour just to get through the current reality.  Pause and pray.  

You've got nothing to lose but your own peace of mind. 

*Picture googled*

On My Knees

She was sitting almost directly across from me. As we began our meeting, many attenders passed when the option to share came to them. This mom looked a little weary, pale and sad. It seems her addict has relapsed again. I don't know any more about this mom than that. I don't know the drug of choice, the recovery length, or even the gender of her addict. All I know is the mom spoke of her own relapse in the process of this life cycle. She found herself repeatedly trying to reach her addict by phone just as she'd done so many times before. Every sentence, every mannerism and every facial expression was as if I was watching my un-recovered self in the mirror. It certainly had me on my toes, so to speak, to be wary and aware of my own recovery should Cliff relapse again. He will be released in under two weeks and the elephant is trying to move in, trunk and all. I refuse to let it take up residence in this house ever again. I don't want to see myself in that frame of mind ever again.

On my knees in prayer and on my toes aware.

All Pics Googled

Sought Through Prayer and Meditation....

Prayer and meditation is a minute by minute thing for me. Yes, there are times I sit down and exclude all other sounds, sights, and noise for a more intimate reading and setting. But there are days where my every thought and word is to God and God alone. While I'm driving in the car, He hears my prayer and thoughts toward Him. Sometimes they're full of thankfulness and praise. Sometimes they're loaded with anguish and asking for His peace to help me remain steadfastly in His love.

Steadfast in my faith is something I am always working on. When life is overwhelming for me, I often turn to sugar in a most unhealthy consumption. In the past it would be staying in a relationship that was so unhealthy for me but it seemed better than nothing. All I know is I've been in a chaotic lifestyle with many detrimental responses for the majority of my adult life. Only when I seek God through prayer and meditation and improving my conscious contact with God will I learn His will for my life and be able to grasp the power He gives to carry it out.

Steadfast. Firm. Resolute. Unfaltering. Unshakable. Unwavering. Unswerving.



May it be with me and with you.

T Minus 63 and Counting.....

That's how many days are left until Cliff becomes a free man. Well, sort of free. He'll be paroled and then Cliff will find out what his requirements will be.

Cliff is making his plans and most of them seem sound and attainable. He's heard about some possible job leads. His cellmate, a man of 65, has been incarcerated since he was 28 years old. No chance for parole. Murder. But he has children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren that visit him on occasion. His mother is still alive and they communicate regularly. It seems as a young man, Grandpa ran with a troubling crowd and "took care" of a few people. His life, now with regret, will be lived out behind those cement walls forever.

When Cliff was first assigned to this cellmate I was anguishing inside. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't wring my hands, but I know my intestines were curling up just at the thought of this situation. Cliff had violated probation more than a few times and as a repeat offender became Level 2 in the system. Level 1 is sort of like a fraternity~they play cards all the time and make plans to meet again when they "bust outta the joint." But in Level 2, many inmates know that this is going to be home for a long time, perhaps forever. Things aren't pleasant and rosy. In one phone conversation we had, it was very clear that Cliff learned to lay low, not join up with to many other inmates and to always be on guard. He said being immature would get him stabbed. More comforting words were never spoken.

Now the days are passing by so swiftly for me but most certainly like molasses for Cliff. It's all based on our own persepctive, isn't it? Cliff has a job lead from Grandpa who knows some legitimate business men. Somehow through his early life he's been affiliated with some respected names in our part of the world. Grandpa's also been quite grandfatherly to Cliff and said he wants him to have the life he should have lived and to never see or hear that he's back behind bars again. He's encouraged Cliff to find out about school and has consistenly urged him to move forward in his life.

My view of Grandpa has changed over time. I find now that I often ask Cliff how Grandpa's doing and about his family. I pray for Grandpa often. I can't imagine what it would be like to NEVER leave a place like that. His mother is in her 80's and has had some health concerns. It saddens me to think that when she leaves this world, Grandpa cannot have his goodbye with her in the familiar ways of life. That happened somewhere long ago in a court room.

Now the days are counting down and the pieces of the puzzle are scattered about, waiting to be put in their proper place. The final placement of these pieces is up to Cliff.

I'm guardedly optimistic, fervently hopeful in prayer.