So, when was the last time you heard some words that made you feel valued as a person? Not words about your clothing, your physical appearance or the car you drive but words about your character or behavior?  Yesterday was my last day of work at the oil company I joined last November.  When I was hired in I really believed I found my last forever place but it didn't go down that way. It's funny how we like to talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month or next year because we feel like when we put a plan in place that we've decided well and it should not change quickly.  But that's not always the way it turns out. 

In the Bible, James 4:14-15 says: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that."

The older I get the more I realize that our lives are but snippets of seasons.  God moves and directs us, whether you are aware or not, in and out of scenarios and situations for a season.  Your season may be years but it may be a moment in time. I'm thankful that I've come to a place in life that I recognize that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Why delay the next move if you acknowledge the One who directs your path?  

Finding my niche at the oil company was not hard, but the processes were difficult.  The software they purchased some years back was not at all sales or user friendly and seemed cumbersome and inefficient to me.  It created many extra steps needed on a busy sales desk to process an order because the program didn't connect all the dots to all departments as promised. Recognizing that I couldn't change the system or fight for improvement any longer,  I had to determine if I could fit into the process or move on. I had my eyes on several opportunities, when an opportunity came to me. It seemed right and brings me some flexibility that I am looking for so after some discussion with trusted friends and prayer for peace of mind, I accepted the new opportunity.  I gave my resignation. 

Two weeks later as I made my way through the management team and different departments to bid adieu, one by one I was told ‘whether you know it or not, your being here really made a difference for the better.’  I was stunned and more than that, I was thankful.  Instead of regretting the choice I made 7 months ago, I realize that this season seemed to be a needed confidence booster and training ground as I got my footing back in the race. It gave me time to gain a steady pace, brush up on the language of business semantics and hone my skills that God gave me making me a desired hiree even at retirement age.  It’s not easy to interview against potential candidates half my age, but if God’s behind it He will shine His spotlight on you! As I made my way through the ranks yesterday, I was told by a decision maker, that if things didn’t work out where I was going, to reach out and I would be welcomed back.  Nice!

Never count yourself out!

All pics googled 

Counting Your Blessings?

White Christmas is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons! Do you recall Bing Crosby singing Count Your Blessings?  Here's a little snippet of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qmMaPTuTEE

When is the last time you counted your blessings with your loved ones or with the ones you love that aren't living exactly as you hoped? 

The other day, Cliff and I were discussing how time seems to be moving so quickly when suddenly he looked at the calendar and said that he was about to celebrate 10 years clean.  Ten years! Now that's something to be thankful for from his perspective and mine! 

After spending 15 years on the pathway to destruction Cliff had his moment with God who heard his heartfelt plea and removed him from the cavernous call of addiction into a life of freedom. The walk of freedom hasn't been without struggles, sometimes really hard struggles, but the call back to heroin has not been in his timeline since that day. In the same way the chaos has begun to become a thing of the past for me. Changes for me have also not come easily as one who was enmeshed in codependency and enabling. I thought I was being a good and loving mom. Ugh. 

As Cliff and I chatted he couldn't help but acknowledge just how much God had intervened and spared his life in moments of danger, provided food in moments of deep hunger and kindness from strangers when he was cold or alone. The conversation was one of gratitude and thanksgiving for Cliff. It soothed my soul as well as I thought of just how much God answered prayers in all kinds of ways for all types of situations. 

Sometimes when we're caught up in the molasses of someones addiction we struggle to find one thing to be thankful for. We can't see past our pain to the promise or hope for the future especially for the ones we love. But God says to give thanks in all circumstances! 

What?!? How in the world am I supposed to do that! Can't you see what I'm dealing with here? 

We speak to ourselves in negative and heavy ways and moment by moment we struggle to even get our eyes up off the ground.  We shake our fists at God in frustration and anger. We are so stinkin' tired of the battle that we lose sight of the hope and promise God is offering to us. 

But He says:  Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 
(Col 4:2)

You argue in your heart and mind with this thinking. But as simple as it sounds, if we practice counting our blessings one by one, as we ask God to protect the ones we love and call them into healthy living, our own mindset and outlook on life gets changed. Do you have a roof over your head, food on the table and something warm to wear when you are cold? Be thankful! You've worked hard for it, for sure, but are you thankful for your job even if the circumstances are less than ideal? Do you own a car? Do you have  pet who loves you even if you're grumpy, sad or tired? 

Honestly, you can't do anything about another persons life choices. Nothing. What should be our response? Giving it all over to God in prayer and asking Him for help in our own situations that our attitudes and behaviors would be honorable. As a parent, child or spouse of one who is still caught up in a deadly life style, you have to let them go and take care of yourself. Don't waste the years on what you cannot change. Only God has that kind of life-changing ability! 

"If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(picture googled)

LEFTOVERS!

What goes through your mind when you hear the word Leftovers? Yay or Nay?

Leftovers were a main staple in our household which was bursting at the seams through most of my childhood. Restaurant visits were a rarity and fast food was just coming over the horizon when I was in high school.

Leftovers can be a wonderful taste of what you enjoyed a day or two before, or it can stick in your mouth like prison mush if you didn't like it in the first place! Spaghetti, for instance, is always better the 2nd day around in my humble opinion but some may not agree at all with my standard of taste. As families have reduced in size or for the person flying solo, folks are learning to either prepare just enough for one meal (a great accomplishment in my book) or opt for dining out.  Times have surely changed!

What brings this topic to mind for me is that as I examine myself often through life (Step 4: We made a searching fearless moral inventory of our lives) and come upon some distasteful behaviors (Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character) I find that even still I am battling some ingrained reactions or impulses that aren't pleasing or attractive to be around.

As a red-headed girl I viewed myself as just being direct and feisty in my communications and responses. In fact, impulsiveness I mistook as fun and impromptu but one of these words is not like the other. Not that these characteristics are bad in themselves, but usually my reactions were exhibited when I was riled or upset about something and it would rear its ugly head in anger instead of direct communication being clear and reasonable. In other words, it wasn't necessarily the message but the delivery that was the big problem.  When people respond in such a way, their message isn't heard at all. Their behavior is what catches attention.

I'm sorry to say that I still struggle with this character defect. In the world of ugliness that we live in now, I could fit right into certain circles. But in the gang I hang with, this just isn't a good quality! I strive daily to be more like Jesus in all aspects of my life but severely miss the mark time and again. I'm very aware that God is merciful and chooses to forgive me for these crazy, unplanned outbursts or reactions but He also desires a change in me to look more like the person I claim to be and to be more like the Person I claim to be connected with.

I'm thankful all the more for this taking an inventory and asking God to remove these character defects. The beauty of the 12 Steps is that,  like faith, we aren't asked to be perfect nor will we know what we're to work on all at one time. We will never see the complete list of defects we have fighting for position in our world - the veil is lifted inch by inch to expose the next item on our list of defects. Otherwise, it would be too overwhelming and seem impossible.

Those leftovers still hanging on from my childhood need to be clipped and matured immediately but I'm not entirely convinced that all of these characteristics will be removed. Sometimes a little bit is left behind so we never forget that we are powerless over this thing and need Him to help us day by day. Not in my own strength but His.

Practice the Pause

Spring seems to be showing itself around here, unseasonably early. Most are welcoming the weather with great joy! I like it too, but am somewhat apprehensive that winter is over just yet. However, today is fabulous so I'll get out there and give my car some much needed attention. :) 

I claimed this year to be the year of de-clutter for me. When Cliff was in addiction, I probably really needed to do this mundane task but my mind couldn't make a solid decision on what to keep and what to toss. Some people are true taskmasters and relish the opportunity to dig in deep when their plate is loaded with family struggles. They find healing and clarity through the process ~ it's quite cathartic. Me? I was looking for love in all the wrong places - through food and a comfy chair with a blanket. I simply sank deeper into my personal world of woe and twisted my mind all around the challenge and life of my son. An unhealthy reality for me really had nothing to do with Cliff. I didn't have any skills in life care. And I didn't pursue them well. It was just easier for me to place the blame on everything else going on around me only I didn't notice that I was doing life that way. All of my statements began with "some day, I'm going to ..." or "some day, I'm going to be..." or "some day, my prince will come...".   You get the idea. 

Now, it's years later and thankfully Cliff is in a healthier place, but so am I. And my healthier choices are unrelated to Cliff's life choices. They are my own.  

The years can be helpful or hateful. I am happy to see that in my life, recovery has brought me to a place of well being and hopefully wisdom. I find that I've been able to learn to pause and listen to what God, my Higher Power, would like me to know. It comes slowly at times and often through prayer and meditation but sometimes through the affirmations of others in conversation. They don't even know they are being used by God to tell me something He wants me to know!

Learning to pause allows you to take a breath. Sit back and process what's really going on. Don't let others ever push you into something you aren't willing to say yes to.  The person that's trying to rush your decision  making process is usually out for one thing. Themselves.  

Pause often through the day. Let your spirit be at ease. Sometimes you have to practice the pause every hour just to get through the current reality.  Pause and pray.  

You've got nothing to lose but your own peace of mind. 

*Picture googled*

The Times They Are A-Changin

Happy New Year! 

2017 is here whether we like it or not. And the song by Bob Dylan from 1964 is as relevant as ever. "The times they are a-changin". I've made a lot of personal changes in the last few months as previously shared and so I was beginning to look forward to this year with great anticipation and excitement as to what might lay ahead. 

Of course, the pivotal political scene is looming large but I'm looking beyond it at my own place and my own pace and the part I play living in the here and now. Challenged a few weeks ago by a group I'm part of to come up with my personal word for this year, I pondered and noted and reasoned within to see what word would suit the year ahead.  At first I was entertaining the word Discipline as it's a lifestyle I earnestly seek in many facets of my life. So I noted Discipline as a contender for this year. Another word that I played with in my dance to and fro was Freedom. I preferred the sound of Freedom over Discipline as it just had such a "spin around in circles and twirl your dress" kind of feeling for me. Sort of a feeling that I would have wings and soar wherever I wanted to go as high as I wanted or dive down at a great rate of speed, only to pull up on my own wings and soar again. Or to merely float in an ethereal type of meandering through life causing everyone to wish they were me. Truly Freedom seems the opposite of Discipline and yet you really can't have Freedom without Discipline.  But all that changed last night. 

A few years back I designed a website entitled Enabling Love just like this blog page. But I noticed a while back that when I went to view my pages, they were nowhere to be found. Knowing that this would take some uninterrupted time on the phone with my provider, I didn't address it until last night. "Hmmm" they said, "let's have a look see."  Well, 65 minutes later (see? you need an open ended amount of time) it turns out that something disconnected from one part of the website to the other and needed to merely be corrected. It wasn't anything I would have known or would have done intentionally.  We tweaked a few more things over the phone and the provider told me that my page would come back as originally designed and be up and running shortly.  However, as you may have guessed, what should have happened and what actually happened are two different things.  It turns out that my website will have to be redesigned and that doesn't necessarily make me happy and yet it gives me a thought of a new direction for Enabling Love. A change of sorts. 

I had been contemplating making this change for some time as I began to realize that I have so much more to discuss with you then always my walk in recovery. Now, my recovery and the walk through the years of addiction within my family have certainly been a HUGE part of what shaped me but it isn't all I am. I began to feel last year that I wanted to take this blog up a little more. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly because we are so much more than what hardships have come our way.  We were created for more! 

Enabling has two meanings but most of our culture has come to relate it only to a negative action connected to addiction or alcohol abuse. In the negative aspect, enabling describes dysfunctional behavior and codependency patterns that makes any parent, spouse, child or sibling add another heap of guilt and shame onto their own sagging shoulders. 

Enabling is also referred to in a positive manner as an action that empowers someone to soar above the clouds (wear your wings!); the ability to accomplish something that takes work to finish. When one is empowered they are confident and capable of seizing opportunities that come along. Can't isn't on the radar screen.  

What a difference, eh? 

So, with that being said my new word for this year is Change and along with that my website and blog will be making changes too. It will still have references and resources to assist those desperately looking for help during the crisis and chaotic situations that come with addiction and alcohol. But hopefully, it will also offer some bright outlooks, good stories and wellness to soothe your soul, too. After all, if we only wear the gas mask we are limited by the reservoir of stale air in the tanks we wear until they are empty. We need to shed those gas masks and allow the air of good living and God's Wise direction change our thinking and change our lives for the better. 

Remember what they say on an air flight? Put on your own mask first then you can help others.  In other words, take care of you. 

"If you change the way you look at things, 

the things you look at change."  

Wayne Dyer

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning was full of questions for myself regarding my commitment to meetings for family support through this crazy, chaotic world of loving our addicts.  I wonder if this is what I should be doing or if it's really worth the time I am investing to be available for those who hurt. Then I remember that this is just as much for me as it is for those who choose to attend.  

Today we reviewed a little portion from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.  If you have not invested time in reading this book, run to your nearest library, used bookstore or Hazelden.org and get yourself a copy of what could change your codependent life.  Truthfully, we are all codependent in some form or another. But sometimes through childhood years, unhealthy friendship/relationships, addiction or alcohol abuse, we find ourselves in full blown illness.  But, just as people are unwilling to recognize addiction as an illness,  we surely aren't going to give room for codependency as an illness. The author refers to a statement by Earnie Larsen  "If you defined your problem as living with an alcoholic, you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.  That may be partially correct.  But our real problems are codependents are our own characteristics - our codependent behaviors."  Well now, isn't that an awakening?  It was for me. 

When I first began attending meetings six years ago, a recovering alcoholic pointed an accusatory finger at me and said "you have doormat stamped across your forehead"...and laughed.  Stick it, pal, I wanted to say. Not very Christian like I know, but I thought to myself because I didn't have the courage to speak, you have no idea how close the line really is from being a good mom to being an enabler,  It can be a baffling place when you are fully in the world of  denial, controlling, anger and a myriad of other emotions that try to direct your life of secrets.  Oh, thank You Lord, that I am on the healing side of that horrid place.

Today, I listened to another parent and her adult daughter talk about taking those first steps of setting themselves free.  Some boundaries were being outlined and slowly this nearly 70 year old mother is beginning to see that her life is not about taking care of her out of control addict. That God created her for a purpose of her own and His plan for her is good.  She's tired and her addict exhausts her. As with most addicts, this one is diagnosed with a bunch of mental illness issues.  Every other parent there nodded in understanding as she talked about how hard it is to watch her neurotic son  load up on the pills they want him to take.  She hardly knows him.  Yet, a month ago when he was admitted to the hospital for some very paranoid behaviors and they took him off all prescribed meds for evaluation, this mom said, "I had a glimpse of my son again."  Three days later he was on all his pills again because his case manager lets the addict tell her what he needs.  It's a crazy thing.  

In the state of Michigan, you can tell the social programs that are "helping you" that you aren't using needle drugs or methamphetamine and they don't necessarily test you.  You are then added to the program and psychiatrists/psychologists will prescribe all kinds of anti-depressants, anxiety or any other type of drug they think you need or you think you need.  They will practically let you call your own medical plan into action.  And because of HIPPA, the family does not have to be included or consulted.  So drug addicts with crazy behavior can work the people and not have to work a program and the family tries to deal with crazy. No wonder we become control freaks. 

The medical field has very little addiction education in their years of preparing for their medical license.  Last I heard, the average medical doctor spends 8 classroom hours on addiction.  How in the world are we going to reduce the number of addicts in our society when all the medical field wants to do is load them up with "legal" drugs?? It's a nightmare. 

Thankfully, through the steps of recovery we learn to step back and not try to fix this or control it.  Our beloved addicts have to want this life change and we are learning to stand back and say "yay" when they take the steps necessary to change their lives into healthy chemical free living.  

And now the best part of this chapter closed with this:

Recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us (*codependents) have been living with.   Recovery is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple.  

It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. 

Each person is responsible for him - or herself.  

It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to : taking care of ourselves. 

I promise you this.  You will be changed and your relationships will be changed when you embrace this truth!!

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!   

Full Circle

So much has been happening in my world as of late.  I finally took some of my posts that others had urged me to put into book form and published a small book of the same title as my blog.  Enabling Love went public about 4 weeks ago.  It is pretty exciting, I must say but the biggest part of the news is just how far I've come from 5 or 6  years ago when I was an enabling mess.  To this day, I continue to ask God to help me work on my own character defects and will till the day I die, I'm sure.

Completing this book was simply a milestone for me as it allowed me to finally reach and complete a goal in my life.  I've had many visions of grandeur and some were probably not at all impossible but given the lifestyle I was in, there was no way I would reach that goal. Repeatedly I said I was going to do something, or often in my conversations I would hear myself say "I ought to do ...". Ohhhhh, them's fightin' words to me now!  That old "ought to" thinking is far behind me but I see it over there lurking about waiting to grab me by my ankles and pull me quickly into another dance I'd rather not perform. Finally, I accomplished something I promised myself I would do and therein lies the gratification proving to me that I have grown and changed.  Before, I was living in a lie that told me my chances to do anything differently or to live life differently were past me.  Ha!   That's one of the lies of chaos, addiction and enabling.  It seemed I lived my life almost voyeur-like, intensely observing others success-filled lives in amazement. Frozen in place and time I watched person after person make choices, travel places, laugh more and love better than I; at least it seemed that way.  I was allowing all the unreal, untrue thoughts to rob me of the present and hold me hostage from moving into the steps that would take me to a different future. I'm so,  so happy to have that thinking and behavior out of my life and replaced with healthy, positive truths.

Not long ago, I wrote about the changes in my life with a new house and a huge step of setting Cliff free from me.  Nine months ago he wasn't as eager to take the step as I was but over the past several months now, I've come to see just how freeing that change was for me. I had just about come full circle in learning and living a 12 Step life but saw that I could just as easily have stepped back into unhealthy, codependent choices too.  

Three weeks ago, I received a phone call from Cliff to say that he was out of a job.  The place where he worked seemed to often dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his face that would take him into management had let him go.  They worked him like a manager, he put in the hours like a manager and more, and would jump at the chance to fill in when someone else didn't meet the schedule as planned. Cliff hit a snag and they parted ways.   From my perspective he learned a big life lesson through these months; paying his own way and answering for himself.  Major lessons for a former addict. 

So, as I thought might happen, the phone call came and the discussion went like this:

Cliff:  "I love it here but nothings coming my way" I think I might have to come back to Michigan. 

Me:    "Oh?" I say.  "And where will you go?" I asked, waiting to hear his answer. 

Cliff:  "I've been talking to John and he said for sure they'd love to have me on their crew. Remember they wanted me in April? 

Me:   "Yes, I do recall that. But I also recall promised hours that never seemed to come, remember?"

Cliff:    "Well, to be honest (yes, we're making progress!!!) I didn't always keep my word to them so they would go on without me"

Me:    "I figured as much but you had to admit it for yourself"

Cliff:  "Mom, I've grown up a lot this year and I don't work that way anymore. I don't like sitting around not working. I really don't go out and party either" 

Me:   "Where will you live?" 

Sure enough his first suggestion was that maybe he could come here.  I said no.  What if it's just briefly? I said no.  My conversation with Cliff continued and he wanted my input, so I gave it.  

You are 32, I reminded him, and we aren't roommates. Continue as you have lived, like a man taking care of business. Confirm with John your wage and your starting date. Then call a few options in WL to see if you can pay rent and live there. And write down your goals! 

Another hour or so later the phone rang again and Cliff called to say that he worked it all out and I feel as if I've finally gone full circle and closed the gap for myself.  The art of saying no has found its way into my vocabulary and it came without false guilt of hurting someone else's feelings.

In fact, it came across so well, that our conversation ended this way:

"Mom, if I ever want to come over to hang out for a weekend, can I come?"   

The boundary has been made in a clear and healthy way! 

Yay!!



*pic Googled*