Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go.  "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to  actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

Her God Moment

When I first began writing this blog, I talked about Son #1, Lovely Espousa and mini chick along with Cliff.  This comprised my little family in early 2008 when recovery was brand new to me. Oh, I was aware of meetings and groups and AA and Al-Anon for years but just didn't understand the effects of other people's life choices on me, nor my choices on them. At that time, our family was in a very hard place and each one of us were in our own places of life, often found licking our wounds in a corner somewhere.  A glance here, a quick word there often left someone feeling wounded, angry or misunderstood.  At times, I was certain that we were headed down a path that would leave us all disconnected for the rest of our days on this earth. But God, being merciful to His hard-headed children, heard this hard-headed daughters prayers and answered.  

"Call to me and I will answer you" He promises.   So, as families do, we elbowed around a bit and each one of us continued to find our place and address our own "stuff" individually. Fast forward now six years later, and what a difference God has made in all our relationships! Particularly Lovely Espousa and me, who will forevermore be known as Daughter-in-love. So before I tell today's true story, I share all this to say that even when you can't see, feel or hear God, He's at work behind the scenes if you will just ask Him. Practice all you've learned and have in your toolbox of recovery, and get out of the way. Your life does not have to stay the way it is today.  Now, for today's true story, please read on. 

My Daughter-in-Love has had a lot of heartache for a young woman.  Before she met Son #1, she was in a relationship that was unhealthy.  Lots of stuff that isn't mine to tell, but you all know the stories of teenagers struggling to find their place in this world, in their family and relationships.  DIL was the same as you and me.  In that relationship, she had a beautiful baby girl, red-haired no less (I'm partial), and as cute as she could be!  One day, DIL came home to find that her wee bairn had passed away.  Suffice it to say that a horrible, unintentional thing happened and sweet pea went to heaven before her six month birthday.  That relationship ended and some months down the road DIL was in recovery after using whatever she could find to medicate the pain away.  She met Son #1 in recovery and the rest is history.   

It's a tragic story, to say the least. I can't even imagine the anguish of losing a healthy baby but I know it personally happened to two women in my life that I love dearly.  When I met DIL, she surely was in a deep place of grieving and working out all that was happening in her life.  

The first few years of Son #1 and DIL's marriage was fraught with trauma.   I couldn't find my way into the intimate place I longed to be.  I tried to find my spot as I wanted so much to have DIL as a friend, a companion and a daughter I never had.  Where I thought I was helping, I may have been nagging. What I thought would be my rightful place, wasn't defined.  So we continued to meet and then retreat into our corners working it out, working it out, working it out.  By this time, I was going to recovery meetings faithfully. The message that kept being repeated through reading, listening and praying was "stand firm, take the next step for yourself and wait". THAT didn't seem like it was helping me!! But, little by little over time, I began to step back from the magnifying glass and let God do His work. All the time, I thought He would fix that one, or this one, or better yet THAT one over there when all the while He was "fixing" me!! Oh, He was teaching me so much more than I could have ever tried to learn. 

As I was working out some of my stuff, DIL was always working out some of hers, too. Slowly the hardened walls  between us began crumbling down and the gift of communication began to come through.  We would talk and listen when we could get together.  Forgiveness was given between us as healthier love began forging a new relationship that I never dreamed would come.   DIL began to see that God in His loving way, longs to be in our lives, in all our stuff, and to walk with us in a more peaceful harmony.  She experienced first hand God's long reaching arm of forgiveness no matter how old the transgression. It was a beautiful thing to observe. 

Recently in conversation, my DIL began to tell me about what she called a "God moment" in her life.  She explained that someone she loves who is active in AA met another girl who has recently gone through a similar heart break with her child that DIL lived through.  He wondered if he could give DIL's contact information in case broken-hearted girl wanted to talk to someone who "knows what it's like". DIL agreed to be available if ever she wanted to talk.    As I listened to DIL tell me about her encounter, my mind went to a couple places.  First, I thought to myself "oh lovely one, would you have ever imagined being able to share your story and supporting another one through it?"  DIL looked so pretty and at peace as she recalled her encounter.  She was eager to be used this way which tells me that through her hard work of recovery and relationship with the Creator of her heart, she has come to a place of accepting and releasing what happened with her red-haired girl. 

Immediately I thought about a passage in Scripture that says  "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us". (2 Cor. 1:3  The Msg)    And, almost simultaneously, Step 12 came to mind as well, urging us to carry the message to others after we've had a spiritual awakening.   

It all goes hand in hand, God's great big plan.  He wants us free from all the demons that try to keep us embittered, sad, in pain and lonely.  Our pain is not wasted and it's the place where we can gain our best wisdom if we Let Go and Let God, as recovery folks say. 

God bless you, DIL.  I'm so pleased to see the changes in your life that is bringing you underlying peace, joy and a beautiful smile every time I see you no matter what the day holds.  

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura 

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

The Law of Power

It's been a little bit over two years now that I seriously began to take a look at how my life needed changing.

Oh, up until that point I THOUGHT I was working on this aspect and to a degree I had. But that aspect desperately included trying to have my sons respect me and follow rules as the Ten Commandments called out. You know, "Honor your Father and Mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." But they weren't buying into that because they couldn't at the time. What a frustration life always seemed to be and so I plodded through day after day, year after year.

Desperately trying to make my sons world a better place, I continued in the tactic I believed since I was 17. That's when I met their dad and quickly convinced myself that all he needed was someone to love him. His home life consisted of two alcoholic parents. Some of you know much better than I, what that life was like. On our graduation day, he went home with his diploma (his parents didn't come to the graduation for several alcoholic excuses) and found his mother in a rip roaring drunk. She was not a happy drunk, but rather an embittered woman. She was about the most angry, bitter woman I had ever known. Picture the character "Momma" from the movie "Throw Momma from the train" and you get an idea of the personality of his mother. Anyway, when he took his diploma in the house, she was in one of her typical drunken rants and said he didn't deserve this diploma, after all, who was the one who helped him with his homework...and blah, blah, blah. In the next moment, she tore his diploma up in 50 or more pieces and threw it at him. He showed up at my house a short time later, vowing to never go back. My heart ached and the co-dependency took up root. We married and I longed to have a husband love me as Jesus said he should but He couldn't because he didn't know the character of Jesus and so the twisted effects began to develop our relationship in ways that became normal to us. Ugly, and nothing was normal. Eventually, as with most relationships existing under the influence of something, we divorced.

But, so many years went by and my patterns of codependency continued to manifest itself in strange ways that I didn't realize were unhealthy. It twisted my thinking and all logic into a ball of left over yarn pieces. Colorful, yes, but full of knots and broken pieces tied together with ends sticking out all over. As I made decisions and poor choices, usually in an effort to medicate myself from the heartaches and pain, I battled with guilt too and continued in the only way I knew how to try and make my sons lives better. Because their family life had been skewed, I kept stepping in and trying to repair and fix and get them to see the light. I wanted them to have some lovely family memories but those were hard to come by. These efforts were given only temporary result and promise. The rug would be pulled out again and then off we went in another direction.

Finally, when I begged God to take over this situation with Cliff because I simply couldn't do it anymore, He kindly removed Cliff from the premises for a bit over a year. At first, I lay in a heap of sadness and grieved away the lost years. God allowed me to do that for the first winter of Cliff's departure and I spent the better part of 4-5 months hiding out under blankets and numbly watching TV. My only routine was work (only by force because no one was taking care of me, but me) home and my meetings. An occasional bright star would come along when Son #1 and Lovely Espousa with Mini-chick in tow would visit or I would go over there for a fix. A healthy fix for the heart. I slowly began to crawl out from under my darkness when I began to really grasp this thing of being powerless. Particularly the part of being powerless over any body else.

My thinking really had to be changed regarding my parenting. My son was an adult. My son was spared the ravaging effects of heroin so he was able to think clearly and make choices and understand reasonable and sound counsel, if he would so choose.

God began to clarify my boundaries. I was learning to submit MYSELF to the process and allowing God to change me. After all, I couldn't change anything else. Not the weather, the economy, the past (ouch!! I had spent years working on this) and especially anybody else. I don't recall thinking that I wanted to change anyone, I just believed that they would change if they knew how much I love them. How amazingly arrogant that thinking is but I am just seeing that now. Only God's love can change anyone and they have to want it for themselves.

What I can do is influence others but this is tricky too and with boundaries. I can't go out and try to manipulate with influence. No...I have to change myself and my ways, so that others destructive choices and patterns no longer work on me. If I learn to change my way of dealing with those I love and dealing with myself, others may be motivated to choose a new way to live. But that's between them and their Maker.

When this new thinking began to take root, I began to get healthier in spirit and mind and people began to notice. Especially Cliff. He called from prison usually once a week and on one particular occasion he commented at how I had changed. He could hear it in our conversations, my replies to him and my less anxious demeanor. I continually chose to put his choices back into his hands. He had also changed. Simultaneously yet independently God seemed to be working on both of us.

Oh, for the wisdom to accept what I cannot change (others) for the courage to change what I can (me), and to clearly know the difference. Knowing that this is a daily morning choice helps me in more ways than I can count. At the grocery store, at work (a biggie), with friendships, family and mostly myself.

The Law of Power to change the things I cannot change belongs to God alone. The power I have is to choose, and I do.

The Waiting Room

No sooner had I posted Law #1 on Boundaries, when I received a call from Ms. Beloved who is dealing with a wayward adult child. On the younger side of adult, mind you, but an adult nevertheless.

Ms. Beloved's child has been challenging the laws of life it seems since about one year after her own recovery began. Ms. Beloved's years were riddled with anguish and devastating results due to alcoholism which don't need to be explained. Everyone who's walked, stumbled, rolled or crawled through this gateway has enough of their own results to grasp the situation here.

Now, Wayward One is trying to live life on her own terms which simply interprets to trying to hold her mother hostage with the results of her choices. I realize that some may not agree with my thinking, but I honestly believe that the hardest part of this huge circle involving addiction and alcoholism or any other deviant behavior is being the parent in such a situation. Our children become master manipulators by regurgitating the past all over us while trying to hand us a one way ticket on the train of guilt. Fortunately, Ms. Beloved has years of recovery behind her now and has kicked her practiced training into high gear to stand on the truth of the situation and not let emotions rule her. Difficult but possible.

At least 3 times over the past 12 months Ms. Beloved has extended the olive branch to her Wayward One, with healthy viable choices, only to find each time that Wayward One took what she needed for that moment, duped Ms. Beloved and walked away. After a time of silence, Wayward one calls Ms. Beloved in her hour of need and the worst case scenarios are envisioned all over again. Sadly, Wayward One is in that place again but assures her mother via Facebook Inbox that she'll "figure it out on my own as usual. And I know I have to take care of myself and I can do it on my own."

To Ms. Beloved, who shared with me, I replied: Hmmmm.....well, I guess it depends on what "doing it on my own" encompasses. From her perspective she's been doing it even if it means wheedling from others, which is a thought process that a lot of young people (or street people) go through and think it's okay and right. So while she's been doing it on her own, she's doing it in a very hard way but in her mind it's been working out. And, of course, she's still seeing herself as a victim. They don't see the trail of debris behind them...or don't want to see it. I hope she sees it sooner than later. ugh. Praying for you and her...love you so much.

To me, this is the most painful part of healthy boundaries. Seeing the situation as it really is and letting our Wayward Ones sow what they've reaped. More often than not the growing pains don't have to be so painful if the Wayward Ones would step out of their victim clothing and ask for real guidance (not a rescue) and face life head on in the truth.

The waiting room is overflowing with Beloved's in anticipation of that revelation.

Summer Synopsis

Can you believe these beautiful mini-chicks are from the same two parents? Lovely brown and purely pink! More beautiful flowers were never created. :)

This picture sums up my summer, really. A summer filled with love and family and activity and joy.

I took a two-month reprieve from some of my typical activities only to spend the time filling up on more knowledge regarding this life of recovery, boundary setting and good mental health. Changing it up allowed a lot more time for summer love with family in a way I've never been able to experience with my own offspring. What a wonderful gift it's been!

Yet in the midst of joy, my extended family said goodbye to another sibling of my Dad's, only to drive home, once again, the frailty of life. Fast and fleeting. Choose your battle, claim your victories. Don't waste a minute looking back.

My immediate family gathered from near and far for my Dad's impending octogenarian celebration. We surely caught him off guard and enjoyed a day that was simply pure love and fun. There were about 30 of us together and we were still missing some valuable treasures that were unable to travel home for this once in a lifetime event.

A few weeks later, Cliff celebrated his 29th birthday, starting at home with our little family enjoying a barbecue, followed by taking 3 guests and himself to a Detroit Tiger game. All of his guests were females! What a guy! What a way to celebrate his special day! Some had never been to a professional ball game before and they saw a great winning game!

Last weekend, Cliff and I went 2 hours north for a long weekend with some family friends and their son, who is also in recovery. The weather was perfect for March. :) Drizzly mornings and grey skies ensued, with temperatures in the 60's. But it didn't dampen a thing about our time together. We had a blast!! Playing board games late into the night, riding a pontoon with hoods, sweatshirts and blankets, and great food by a warm fire.

It was a very busy summer, yet nothing extremely out of the ordinary of what most families experience year after year. But for me and my own, it was a new year without the influence of.....anything!!

Oh, this really is the life that God intended!


I'll be back much sooner than later. :)