Her God Moment

When I first began writing this blog, I talked about Son #1, Lovely Espousa and mini chick along with Cliff.  This comprised my little family in early 2008 when recovery was brand new to me. Oh, I was aware of meetings and groups and AA and Al-Anon for years but just didn't understand the effects of other people's life choices on me, nor my choices on them. At that time, our family was in a very hard place and each one of us were in our own places of life, often found licking our wounds in a corner somewhere.  A glance here, a quick word there often left someone feeling wounded, angry or misunderstood.  At times, I was certain that we were headed down a path that would leave us all disconnected for the rest of our days on this earth. But God, being merciful to His hard-headed children, heard this hard-headed daughters prayers and answered.  

"Call to me and I will answer you" He promises.   So, as families do, we elbowed around a bit and each one of us continued to find our place and address our own "stuff" individually. Fast forward now six years later, and what a difference God has made in all our relationships! Particularly Lovely Espousa and me, who will forevermore be known as Daughter-in-love. So before I tell today's true story, I share all this to say that even when you can't see, feel or hear God, He's at work behind the scenes if you will just ask Him. Practice all you've learned and have in your toolbox of recovery, and get out of the way. Your life does not have to stay the way it is today.  Now, for today's true story, please read on. 

My Daughter-in-Love has had a lot of heartache for a young woman.  Before she met Son #1, she was in a relationship that was unhealthy.  Lots of stuff that isn't mine to tell, but you all know the stories of teenagers struggling to find their place in this world, in their family and relationships.  DIL was the same as you and me.  In that relationship, she had a beautiful baby girl, red-haired no less (I'm partial), and as cute as she could be!  One day, DIL came home to find that her wee bairn had passed away.  Suffice it to say that a horrible, unintentional thing happened and sweet pea went to heaven before her six month birthday.  That relationship ended and some months down the road DIL was in recovery after using whatever she could find to medicate the pain away.  She met Son #1 in recovery and the rest is history.   

It's a tragic story, to say the least. I can't even imagine the anguish of losing a healthy baby but I know it personally happened to two women in my life that I love dearly.  When I met DIL, she surely was in a deep place of grieving and working out all that was happening in her life.  

The first few years of Son #1 and DIL's marriage was fraught with trauma.   I couldn't find my way into the intimate place I longed to be.  I tried to find my spot as I wanted so much to have DIL as a friend, a companion and a daughter I never had.  Where I thought I was helping, I may have been nagging. What I thought would be my rightful place, wasn't defined.  So we continued to meet and then retreat into our corners working it out, working it out, working it out.  By this time, I was going to recovery meetings faithfully. The message that kept being repeated through reading, listening and praying was "stand firm, take the next step for yourself and wait". THAT didn't seem like it was helping me!! But, little by little over time, I began to step back from the magnifying glass and let God do His work. All the time, I thought He would fix that one, or this one, or better yet THAT one over there when all the while He was "fixing" me!! Oh, He was teaching me so much more than I could have ever tried to learn. 

As I was working out some of my stuff, DIL was always working out some of hers, too. Slowly the hardened walls  between us began crumbling down and the gift of communication began to come through.  We would talk and listen when we could get together.  Forgiveness was given between us as healthier love began forging a new relationship that I never dreamed would come.   DIL began to see that God in His loving way, longs to be in our lives, in all our stuff, and to walk with us in a more peaceful harmony.  She experienced first hand God's long reaching arm of forgiveness no matter how old the transgression. It was a beautiful thing to observe. 

Recently in conversation, my DIL began to tell me about what she called a "God moment" in her life.  She explained that someone she loves who is active in AA met another girl who has recently gone through a similar heart break with her child that DIL lived through.  He wondered if he could give DIL's contact information in case broken-hearted girl wanted to talk to someone who "knows what it's like". DIL agreed to be available if ever she wanted to talk.    As I listened to DIL tell me about her encounter, my mind went to a couple places.  First, I thought to myself "oh lovely one, would you have ever imagined being able to share your story and supporting another one through it?"  DIL looked so pretty and at peace as she recalled her encounter.  She was eager to be used this way which tells me that through her hard work of recovery and relationship with the Creator of her heart, she has come to a place of accepting and releasing what happened with her red-haired girl. 

Immediately I thought about a passage in Scripture that says  "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us". (2 Cor. 1:3  The Msg)    And, almost simultaneously, Step 12 came to mind as well, urging us to carry the message to others after we've had a spiritual awakening.   

It all goes hand in hand, God's great big plan.  He wants us free from all the demons that try to keep us embittered, sad, in pain and lonely.  Our pain is not wasted and it's the place where we can gain our best wisdom if we Let Go and Let God, as recovery folks say. 

God bless you, DIL.  I'm so pleased to see the changes in your life that is bringing you underlying peace, joy and a beautiful smile every time I see you no matter what the day holds.  

Keep Coming Back!

At our table last night, we had a newcomer. Look at me, talking about newcomers! Having been in recovery for one year now has changed my life and I'm willing to share that with anyone who allows me the opportunity.

The table decided to do a Step One table for the benefit of Ms. Newbie's first time at an Al-Anon meeting. As different members took their turn to speak, Ms. Newbie listened and seemed to be trying to absorb all that was being said. The underlying theme was to "keep coming back". All the while I tried to stay completely focused but must admit that my mind went back in time to different seasons of my life when I tried Al-Anon without success. I was so desperate to make a connection and get some healing but nothing came to me at the time. Caring attenders would say, "try another group", but I guess I wasn't ready.

When it was my turn to share, I recalled how much sanity had been restored to my life this past year and that I didn't realize just how crazy my thinking had become. Flashback to trying to out think Cliff the junkie. That's like trying to out think a terrorist. If you aren't a junkie or a terrorist, which in my mind can be interchangeable, how can you possibly out think them and try to determine their next step? I approached things as if I were John Wayne and that my posse of three, (me, myself and I) was going to head him off at the next pass and stop the insanity. Oh, Thank You Lord for clearing my head!! Woo Hoo!!

Finally when Ms. Newbie spoke up she said, "I get the feeling that I'm not going to get my answers to my questions from this table tonight. For instance, if my son who's an alcoholic says he wants to borrow my car to go to a meeting and then instead takes it to buy alcohol, what do I do? Is there someone who will tell me the guidelines or do I just listen to everyone else and something will come to me?"

Most of the longtimers had "all-knowing" smiles on their faces and said "keep coming back. Get a sponsor and you will find through time and daily meditations in your books how to find your answers. Pay attention to the longtimers who you will see here regularly and you can ask one of them to be your sponsor." One of the longtimers at my table must be in her upper 70's and I just love sitting near her and hearing what she has to say. Her Courage to Change book is well worn and falling apart. I so appreciate all the regular attendees that come and give reassuring words, smiles and hugs that all will be better than it is at this moment.

It felt so good to have one year behind me and I'm looking forward to two, three, four and more years ahead of me. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Living a Twelve Step way of life is just plain good living. I'm so grateful to God that several years after my first time, He led me back again and I just "keep coming back!"

Happy Saturday!

Walk by Faith

Our meeting was small in attendance last night. On occasion the mix is totally different than what you might expect and I like when that happens. It seems to bring a whole different spirit to the sharing time at hand. A woman came to my table last night and was a bit weary and weepy and sort of quiet. Eventually she began to open up and, like so many of us Mom's, wept over a current situation that is affecting one of her adult children by an alcoholic father (her ex-husband). Shortly after, she opened up a little more about losing a son a few years ago but didn't elaborate.

Following the meeting we talked a little more intimately about our sons. It seems he was a statistic of the following:

"In the United States in early 2006, a rash of deaths was attributed to either a combination of fentanyl and heroin, or pure fentanyl masquerading as heroin particularly in the Detroit Metro Area; one news report refers to the combination as 'laced heroin', though this is likely a generic rather than a specific term."

It stopped me in my tracks. I knew this was happening around us and yet I hadn't known anyone affected until now. Not only that, but her father, whom she had been caregiving for, died just a few days before and so she buried her father and son within 3 days of each other.

How did she do this? She lived through my biggest fear and seems to be managing life.

In my old way, my answer would have been "you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on." Now I know the truth, and the truth is that you lean even harder into the arms of your Heavenly Father. Only there can you gather the strength to face what seems insurmountable. These must be the days you walk by faith even when nothing seems right in your world. Each day I realize more and more how the steps must be part of my everyday thinking.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The Eyes Have It

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way"

I had minor eye surgery yesterday removing a congenital cataract from my left eye. No guarantee was given that my vision would improve, but God has already given me some improved vision! It seems that not only am I seeing better with my eyes, but perhaps with my heart.

"I think I can make it now, the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared"

What Twelve Steps has done for me is indescribable in the written word. My first meeting was attended as many of you have heard before, to help someone I love deal with and be healed from addiction. It wasn't to long after, that I realized these meetings were for me to deal with myself while someone I loved had an addiction. That's a Big Diff!

No longer is my life revolving around getting Cliff clean and sober. That's up to Cliff and God. My life revolves around being the most complete, whole and healthy person that God always intended me to be. Selfish? Not at all. I used to think so but have learned (and am finally believing) that I am allowed to take care of myself and focus on myself in a healthy way.

Little by little I'm seeing more clearly and day by day the pain is lessening. Yes, I know I will be hurt again and I know I will be fighting to not give advise, fighting to not be in control because I know what's best (right), and fighting myself to see the truth in the light of God's truth.

"How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye."

Matthew 7:3-5 NLT