Counting Your Blessings?

White Christmas is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons! Do you recall Bing Crosby singing Count Your Blessings?  Here's a little snippet of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qmMaPTuTEE

When is the last time you counted your blessings with your loved ones or with the ones you love that aren't living exactly as you hoped? 

The other day, Cliff and I were discussing how time seems to be moving so quickly when suddenly he looked at the calendar and said that he was about to celebrate 10 years clean.  Ten years! Now that's something to be thankful for from his perspective and mine! 

After spending 15 years on the pathway to destruction Cliff had his moment with God who heard his heartfelt plea and removed him from the cavernous call of addiction into a life of freedom. The walk of freedom hasn't been without struggles, sometimes really hard struggles, but the call back to heroin has not been in his timeline since that day. In the same way the chaos has begun to become a thing of the past for me. Changes for me have also not come easily as one who was enmeshed in codependency and enabling. I thought I was being a good and loving mom. Ugh. 

As Cliff and I chatted he couldn't help but acknowledge just how much God had intervened and spared his life in moments of danger, provided food in moments of deep hunger and kindness from strangers when he was cold or alone. The conversation was one of gratitude and thanksgiving for Cliff. It soothed my soul as well as I thought of just how much God answered prayers in all kinds of ways for all types of situations. 

Sometimes when we're caught up in the molasses of someones addiction we struggle to find one thing to be thankful for. We can't see past our pain to the promise or hope for the future especially for the ones we love. But God says to give thanks in all circumstances! 

What?!? How in the world am I supposed to do that! Can't you see what I'm dealing with here? 

We speak to ourselves in negative and heavy ways and moment by moment we struggle to even get our eyes up off the ground.  We shake our fists at God in frustration and anger. We are so stinkin' tired of the battle that we lose sight of the hope and promise God is offering to us. 

But He says:  Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 
(Col 4:2)

You argue in your heart and mind with this thinking. But as simple as it sounds, if we practice counting our blessings one by one, as we ask God to protect the ones we love and call them into healthy living, our own mindset and outlook on life gets changed. Do you have a roof over your head, food on the table and something warm to wear when you are cold? Be thankful! You've worked hard for it, for sure, but are you thankful for your job even if the circumstances are less than ideal? Do you own a car? Do you have  pet who loves you even if you're grumpy, sad or tired? 

Honestly, you can't do anything about another persons life choices. Nothing. What should be our response? Giving it all over to God in prayer and asking Him for help in our own situations that our attitudes and behaviors would be honorable. As a parent, child or spouse of one who is still caught up in a deadly life style, you have to let them go and take care of yourself. Don't waste the years on what you cannot change. Only God has that kind of life-changing ability! 

"If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(picture googled)

The First Step

Well, how'd you do yesterday? It was a beautiful weather day here and my day was busy like most with blessings throughout. I went to church in the morning and am always so thankful to be in the house of the Lord but also to be among what I call my faith family. These are the people that walk along side me and encourage me to be the very best that God planned all along. They urge me on and lift me up when I stumble. And believe me, I stumble.

How so? 

When I stumble, I start my day without a thought of God, my Higher Power. I wake up and charge into the starting gate ready to rock the world. Or I hide deeper under the covers and I just don't want to start anything. Anything.  Over the years of recovery, which led me to a much deeper walk with my Savior, I've learned to allow myself the time to wake up and thank up first. Thank up? Yes, sending my thanks up to God who is giving me another breath of life and a new day to begin again. Do you know how much God has promised us in His Word? Do you know how often He offers us forgiveness, help and a hand up? 

Look at what He says here. 'Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:10) 

Who couldn't use this kind of help? I sure need Him to hold me up often! 

I stumble through the day when I don't respond to people correctly. Sometimes we say that's just the way we are but if you strive to be better than the day before, it requires looking at yourself and the way you interact with people. I came from a very large family and often the atmosphere was a survival of the fittest which could mean a lot of different things to different people. In our home it might have been the quickest wit, whether funny and lighthearted or sharp and painful, wins. It wasn't necessarily about which way it was delivered but you had to get it in first. This could create a myriad of heartache if you were a nano-second behind. If you came in second, you lost the moment. Strength in words can either build people up or tear people down. Now, everything ever said in our home was not negative and unkind. At all. Telling others to toughen up might not always be the answer although in our culture we could use a little bit of that thinking for sure. It surely is a fine line, isn't it? Truth in love should be spoken but truth in hurtful pokes and barbs is never correct. 

I also stumble through the day when I let electronics keep me from doing a task that requires my full attention. I've been decluttering for months. Months, I say!  Some days I respond to the task well at hand and other days it appears overwhelming. The reward in decluttering however can come in delightful surprises. I'm finding as I go through clothes that didn't fit me just right a year ago (but I didn't pass on) are now fitting me just right. Bonus! 

All this to say that starting my day with God is simply so much better than when I stumble into the day with a face plant. When I sit down with my Bible and recovery reading, without realizing it, I start out with a deep, relaxing sigh. I've noticed that every time. It puts me in a place of surrendering all that I was carrying to our meeting spot. When I start the day with saying 'Thank you for a new day' it sets my mind on God walking me through today instead of me running ahead and asking God to hurry up!

I hope you have found your place with God and people to support you through whatever obstacles face you today. His Word is a great place to find all that He has promised to those who believe. I can testify that it's true!!  Do you know that God says He has loved us with an everlasting love?? If we don't know that, we can't fill up with His strength and confidence. 

The First Step of Recovery which says: We admitted we were powerless over ____ (fill in your own struggle) and that our lives had become unmanageable. We are recognizing and saying that we have no defense over our situation, substance or people. What a great way to start the day. Acknowledge that you are powerless and ask your Higher Power, (God for me, the maker and creator of all things), to lead you in the way that you should go.  I don't need to stumble into the day at all! 

And don't forget, all the strength you need to get through the day is found in His Word. In case you don't own a Bible, you can go to Bible Gateway (https://www.biblegateway.com/) and find His love letter to you there! 

Check it out!  Need some suggestions? Send me a note! 

Pic googled 

LEFTOVERS!

What goes through your mind when you hear the word Leftovers? Yay or Nay?

Leftovers were a main staple in our household which was bursting at the seams through most of my childhood. Restaurant visits were a rarity and fast food was just coming over the horizon when I was in high school.

Leftovers can be a wonderful taste of what you enjoyed a day or two before, or it can stick in your mouth like prison mush if you didn't like it in the first place! Spaghetti, for instance, is always better the 2nd day around in my humble opinion but some may not agree at all with my standard of taste. As families have reduced in size or for the person flying solo, folks are learning to either prepare just enough for one meal (a great accomplishment in my book) or opt for dining out.  Times have surely changed!

What brings this topic to mind for me is that as I examine myself often through life (Step 4: We made a searching fearless moral inventory of our lives) and come upon some distasteful behaviors (Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character) I find that even still I am battling some ingrained reactions or impulses that aren't pleasing or attractive to be around.

As a red-headed girl I viewed myself as just being direct and feisty in my communications and responses. In fact, impulsiveness I mistook as fun and impromptu but one of these words is not like the other. Not that these characteristics are bad in themselves, but usually my reactions were exhibited when I was riled or upset about something and it would rear its ugly head in anger instead of direct communication being clear and reasonable. In other words, it wasn't necessarily the message but the delivery that was the big problem.  When people respond in such a way, their message isn't heard at all. Their behavior is what catches attention.

I'm sorry to say that I still struggle with this character defect. In the world of ugliness that we live in now, I could fit right into certain circles. But in the gang I hang with, this just isn't a good quality! I strive daily to be more like Jesus in all aspects of my life but severely miss the mark time and again. I'm very aware that God is merciful and chooses to forgive me for these crazy, unplanned outbursts or reactions but He also desires a change in me to look more like the person I claim to be and to be more like the Person I claim to be connected with.

I'm thankful all the more for this taking an inventory and asking God to remove these character defects. The beauty of the 12 Steps is that,  like faith, we aren't asked to be perfect nor will we know what we're to work on all at one time. We will never see the complete list of defects we have fighting for position in our world - the veil is lifted inch by inch to expose the next item on our list of defects. Otherwise, it would be too overwhelming and seem impossible.

Those leftovers still hanging on from my childhood need to be clipped and matured immediately but I'm not entirely convinced that all of these characteristics will be removed. Sometimes a little bit is left behind so we never forget that we are powerless over this thing and need Him to help us day by day. Not in my own strength but His.

Practice the Pause

Spring seems to be showing itself around here, unseasonably early. Most are welcoming the weather with great joy! I like it too, but am somewhat apprehensive that winter is over just yet. However, today is fabulous so I'll get out there and give my car some much needed attention. :) 

I claimed this year to be the year of de-clutter for me. When Cliff was in addiction, I probably really needed to do this mundane task but my mind couldn't make a solid decision on what to keep and what to toss. Some people are true taskmasters and relish the opportunity to dig in deep when their plate is loaded with family struggles. They find healing and clarity through the process ~ it's quite cathartic. Me? I was looking for love in all the wrong places - through food and a comfy chair with a blanket. I simply sank deeper into my personal world of woe and twisted my mind all around the challenge and life of my son. An unhealthy reality for me really had nothing to do with Cliff. I didn't have any skills in life care. And I didn't pursue them well. It was just easier for me to place the blame on everything else going on around me only I didn't notice that I was doing life that way. All of my statements began with "some day, I'm going to ..." or "some day, I'm going to be..." or "some day, my prince will come...".   You get the idea. 

Now, it's years later and thankfully Cliff is in a healthier place, but so am I. And my healthier choices are unrelated to Cliff's life choices. They are my own.  

The years can be helpful or hateful. I am happy to see that in my life, recovery has brought me to a place of well being and hopefully wisdom. I find that I've been able to learn to pause and listen to what God, my Higher Power, would like me to know. It comes slowly at times and often through prayer and meditation but sometimes through the affirmations of others in conversation. They don't even know they are being used by God to tell me something He wants me to know!

Learning to pause allows you to take a breath. Sit back and process what's really going on. Don't let others ever push you into something you aren't willing to say yes to.  The person that's trying to rush your decision  making process is usually out for one thing. Themselves.  

Pause often through the day. Let your spirit be at ease. Sometimes you have to practice the pause every hour just to get through the current reality.  Pause and pray.  

You've got nothing to lose but your own peace of mind. 

*Picture googled*

Ho, Ho, Hum

Ah, Christmas!  It always messes with my mind. In my imagination I see the day played out like a scene from It's a Wonderful Life, but in reality it's probably more like Roseanne.  This year it was kind of the same. 

Though it's been years since my son has been active in addiction, the world of addiction and recovery is wagging it's tail behind me. For just about all my years as an adult, I have been single and often alone. What happens is that I used to seclude myself from the world in order to not face the drama or the truth of what was going on. It was less painful for me to fret at home alone than to have to look into the faces of others and try to read their thoughts, which I was certain were all about me and my struggles with Cliff. Problem #1 is the deceiver is such a liar but when you're vulnerable you will believe anything that makes sense to ease the pain. Problem #2 is it's not my job to try to read any ones thoughts or non-verbal communications toward me.  Sheesh. 

Now, many years later I have to work hard at not slipping back into my seclusion. What used to be my insane asylum is slowly becoming my sanctuary again and I like it. This has taken MANY years and tears and LOTS of hard work. Addiction and chaos are not polite or sensitive to the family members at all. It will hold you hostage if you let it. Even years after, I must remain on guard of my thoughts and actions. 

As busy as I can be, however, I still find myself with a lot of time alone. No phone calls, no visitors, no outings. Facebook can fill my heart with angst as I see people I love living the lives I had hoped for.  Even at my age, most communication with family and friends is via text, which I HATE.  I repeat, I HATE, but phones don't get answered so I've joined the ranks of texting. I'm quite a distance from my circle of friends so meeting up for a quick anything is not too quick. It requires planning ahead. Who's got time?  40  minutes away makes nothing quick. One thing after another ticks off the list of why I'm alone. Who can change it? Only me. Therein lies the problem. 

Many changes have taken place this year in my life.  Son #1 and Lovely Espousa have been married 11-1/2 years now and have a sweet little family with two precious daughters;  Mini-chick turned 10. Whaaaaa??.  Oh, the joy those little girlies bring to my heart, I can't even begin to express.  I have since retired (semi) and am fumbling around to find my way. Not aimlessly, mind you, but unplanned  just yet.  Because I try to pray about everything, I talked with the Lord about retiring for quite a while before the decision was made. Pressing on my heart, was that my family is getting older and I've worked hard for many years and missed out on some important relationships. I didn't want to watch the remainder of my days and years nor the ones I love slip away without spending some valuable time with them. Lo and behold, just a short time after I retired, my brothers cancer moved to his brain.  He's going to need some assistance and I will make every effort to be available as often as I can. He's alone 90% of the time, too. My healthy father is 87 but can use a companion on occasion to accompany him to Florida, for instance. Poor me ;) 


Thankfully, my relationship with The Lord, my Higher Power, has strengthened over the years and He can step through and diffuse the little landmines in my thinking and bring truth and reality to me with haste. He sorts through the issues and says "Laura, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."  (Phil 4:8-9 Msg.) He reminds me to draw close to Him, the Rock on which I stand and take my place with Him.  He encourages me greatly with my days ahead.  Look at this promise for our future in His Word: "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do!  For I’m going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don’t you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

Recovery is available to anyone who truly and earnestly wants it. Seek out the better way of life. You don't have to do this in your own strength and most likely it won't stick and stay if you do.  God, who made you and knows you intimately and better than you know yourself, is just a whisper away. Truly, He will never leave you to figure this out alone if you ask Him. 

Just like I have to work on not "hiding out" I encourage you to also find your place and your group. It could be in a church or synagogue and it could also be at 12 Step meetings. Support each other in a positive way. Step out of the muddy puddle you're standing in now and begin with one new habit. Tell yourself the whole truth about the situation in your life and surround yourself with friends who you can count on.  Lean into your Creator. Your life depends on it. 

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

Picture googled

Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

You tube and picture googled

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

Amends!

I think the part I love most about walking in recovery is that it just gets better day by day, month by month and year by year.  Peace rules my day as I turn to my Higher Power, My Creator, to learn from Him and put all I'm learning into practice.   

This past week someone I dearly love made an amends to me when I least expected it. Those are the best ones!  Recovery has given me so much freedom in putting the past behind me that if the amends never came, it would not have to affect our relationship IF I practiced what I learned.  I love the part about letting go of the past and pressing on that Scripture constantly tells me and recovery reinforces.  When the words came to me with a humble apology it was a soothing salve to my heart and joy deep in my soul.  I shared with the one who spoke to me that when our relationship began to be restored that all was forgiven and put behind me but their words meant the world to me. 

Hazelden (Treatment) has such great information on their website and so I've linked to their page about amends.  Their page reiterated that amends is not merely an apology but a change as well.  My special one's heart changed months back and our relationship began to walk in a new path.  When I received precious, heartfelt words from one I love, they said that they meant to say this to me before but the opportunity hadn't come up and then life got in the way. :)

It's never too late to make a true amends. Even if the person  you've wronged or who has wronged you is no longer around, you can do something in their honor in many ways.  Plant a tree, sign up to be an organ donor, give a book to another in their memory, volunteer with their favorite organization. The list is unending.  

So, seize the day friends! You've nothing to lose but precious moments that could be love filled instead of gaping holes sucking the life out of you. 

I Surrender This.....

Like a bolt out of the blue, the phone rings with news we'd rather not get. A newer member at our home group called to say that her son, who's overseas at college, has been using and became addicted to heroin. Quickly, plans have been made to get him home as he's asked to go into rehab. Pretty Mom was rather composed, oh woman of faith that she is. She and her husband have a "solid as a rock" relationship and fortunately have always been totally there for each other. Praying together through the years your married does things like this.

Suddenly, their Christmas celebration will have a different light on it. But it's the light that shines brightly. It's the time of year when we celebrate Jesus sent as a baby for one such as this. For all of us he was sent, but somehow His purpose sometimes seems presented as if it's for those of us who are just little sinners. You know, a little lie here or a bad attitude there and that the "real sinners" should rot in hell. Why should they be forgiven for anything? Others view it as God came for the Big Sinners but us minor players can take care of ourselves. He's to busy for us and afterall, my little sins aren't any big deal, are they? But God's word says He came for all of us and that He himself shows no partiality for one over the other. Sin is sin in the eyes of God and He will not accept any of it.

Because He's God and I'm not, determines that He will forgive and accept to Himself addicts and all their coniving and manipulating ways along with mothers of addicts who can be controlling or manipulative too. He forgives those who think hateful or sinful things but don't act on them. Our secret sins He knows but will forgive. Thoughts of adultery, lusting, hatred, jealousy can all be forgiven. Because He's God and I'm not, He will forgive murderers and rapists and white collar thieves. He will also forgive us when we keep extra change given by accident or the daily swindling that goes on between buyers and sellers and the swindling isn't always done by the sellers! He will forgive school children who are bullies, and teachers who use children for their sexually depraved thinking or addictions. Because He's God and I'm not He knows best the heart of a man who asks for forgiveness for all his sins whatever they may be. And forgives me when I don't understand how He can forgive a murderer or child-molester.

And because He knows the heart of man, he knows who is truly seeking forgiveness and who's giving lip service. But that's not up to me either.

Andrew will return home and enter rehab and his parents will have a great Christmas gift in the simple fact that they know Andrew is alive and being cared for medically instead of detoxing alone in a room about 5000 miles away, or lying in a street, under an overpass or in a homeless shelter guarding his shoes with his life.

The Light of Life is holding out His hand to Andrew and anyone else that is willing to accept that we are powerless over our lives and that their is a Power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity and a relationship with Him that beats all the rest. We can wake up each day and thank God for a new day to live healthy and free from alcohol, drugs, or any other ball and chain that wants to rob us from the life He intended for us to live. We can trust Him for just one day, this present day, because He will take care of tomorrow when it gets here. We can lay our heads down on our pillow at night thanking God again for walking with us through the day we just had, joyous and free or lousy and encumbering.

A free gift for anyone who will accept.

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