Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

Infectious Insanity

Day by day, though this being only our third day together, conversations have been taking place regarding the past and the future. Mostly, Cliff's been going "there". I've been keenly aware of his presence and his actions. which are SO different than they've been over the past many years. A great calm has rooted itself in Cliff's soul where a noticeable transformation has occurred; Cliff's been going through his past life and remembering some of his actions, choices and behaviors.

Cliff took a quick inventory of my environment and recognized that his hand was in the history of setting this present table. The inventory is not for "things" but for aura; areas of my life are still in a chaos that shows itself in my home. Stacks of old mail to be dealt with, cluttery areas of "stuff" that I just haven't figured out yet if they're necessary or not. I'm certain in the midst of the stuff are things I HAVE to deal with and just don't have the funds required to do so. Thus begins the stack(s).

Now, all of this "stuff" isn't just from life with Cliff. I grew up in a home with stacks of stuff, and now realize that I learned this behavior from a loving mother who was the daughter of an alcoholic. I vividly recall as a young teen, being in homes of friends where order was everywhere. I constantly wondered where their "stuff" was? Where did they keep their bills? Where was the newspaper? Everything must have had a place and it was put there as it should be. Our home wasn't like that and I never grasped having order in my life. I always thought I was just being lazy, but that didn't line up in all areas of my life.

Cliff began talking about his life and the insanity he lived in. He also said, "I know that I created a lot of insanity for you. I didn't realize how infectious it was until I've had a chance to pull out of it and see it in a whole new light. What I did affected people more than I was willing to admit. I always thought you were exaggerating about the impact I was having on you and the rest of my family. I figured "you'd get over it...."

Yesterday we had a great day at my sister's home and for once I was truly able to enjoy the day without wondering where Cliff was or, if he was present, what concocted story I was going to hear next about his having to go somewhere for plans he forgot to tell me he'd made. At first, he was on the outer fringes for just a bit and then slowly began to mix it up with his relatives and I observed him in many conversations with some whom seemed judgemental in the past. Maybe in our infectious insanity it was just me putting up walls for myself and for Cliff; I'm not sure. But I know that yesterday Cliff was quietly open with anyone who engaged him in conversation. No more secrets! This was surely the freedom I've been lacking and longing for in years past.

Finally, it seemed, Cliff is taking his rightful place in this large family and feeling that he is part of it all. He matters to all of us and we love him and want him to be *here* instead of ----------> there.

*All Pics Googled*