Hope Through the Years

Life. Recovery life. Purposeful living. Through each passing year we learn more about how to care for ourselves realizing care for ourselves is not selfish care.  We learn more about compassion for those who are still struggling in the world of addiction and other abuses and all the chaos it brings. And for some like me, it only deepens our faith and trust in the Living God.

Yesterday was Cliff’s 43rd birthday. Yikes!!  How did he get to be my age so quickly (joking, of course!).  I still feel so much younger than the calendar says I am!  Cliff and I are now worlds apart as I am in Scotland serving the Lord and he is in Michigan making his life happen.  Fifteen years ago, life was a stinkin’ mess. Cliff was in the height of his heroin use and I was in the height of my sleepless, hand-wringing nights trying to cope without good coping skills.  That is a learned thing, you know.  Coping requires a sound mind and practiced choices, and I had neither of those skills in my backpack of life. I am so thankful to say that way of life is behind Cliff and it’s behind me.  We each arrived at different times to our healing and wellness but God in His mercy never let go of either one of us. 

Slowly but surely, Cliff is re-aligning his thinking with good and healthy thoughts.  I’ve been the recipient of several sincere phone calls within the past year.  In the first call a few months back he thanked me for always pointing him to God throughout his life even when I wasn’t necessarily walking strong with the Lord.  His comments were an affirmation to my restless heart when the enemy tries to tell me all the things I did poorly as a mother. I was really caught off guard by his recollection and appreciation all these years later to the things he resisted against for so long.  It was salve to my soul.

Yesterday as we chatted for Cliff’s birthday, it was such a nice and simple conversation about his day (he worked) and any celebrating he might do. His work had a small cake for him and many wished him a happy birthday. He had received a few texts early in the morning and he was quite happy to receive those before he went to work. Then when we spoke, he was planning on making his dinner and probably watch a movie once the animals (birds, squirrels and yard cats) were tended to. One more time, Cliff threw me for a loop when he said “Oh! Mom, before we hang up I want to tell you something - I want to tell you that I’m proud of you (gasp!). I know I have not always said it or felt it but lately God has been revealing some things to me and one of them is how selfish I was in expecting you to be perfect while I was a mess.  I’m sorry I held you to that expectation.”  Another memorable mom moment that will be stored forever.  We (my two sons and me) didn’t have a lot of those exchanges (very, very few) over his life as the turmoil (not always his) was often on an extreme level of struggle.  To see him enjoy a quiet birthday as an adult and to pour out a blessing over me was an inward major change and brings peace to my heart.

And, it's been a healing process in his heart which is separate from the healing in mine that can only come from God. In Scotland, I am in a Hope Group that uses nothing but the Word of God for changing lives. And, if you were to take the original 12 Steps of recovery you would see that they line up with the truths of Scripture in every way.  For those of us who believe in the Living God we are being transformed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16 says  “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.”  And, we walk with each other for support, encouragement and compassion.  

This little update doesn’t cover the years between my posts, but it does ring through with all the things I’ve spoken of before.  Never lose hope! Ever!! This has been a 30 year journey for Cliff and me since he was on the path of destruction. The path of destruction may look appealing, but it's a pure lie. Our lives were full of pain, sorrow and regret - faith didn't make this walk a breeze. The narrow path to healing was hard work and full of stumbles and re-starts. But, if God is part of your life and recovery, you can be sure He will walk with you every step of the way and the one you love too, if they will ask.  Let Him lead. 

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit"

Romans 15:13 NLT

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

Picture googled

Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

You tube and picture googled

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

The Maturing Process

Does the maturing process change an addicted or alcoholic person? I'm not sure about that but something is different with Cliff.

Our conversations are not all about him, if you know what I mean. Cliff's not asking for money, he's not whining about his situation or justifying his choices. No, our conversations instead are about life, about his future and relationships. He listens to me as well as makes sound statements about himself. I know he's clean right now (and some may think that's because he's incarcerated but he could use in there too and isn't) and that certainly puts a different light on life but I believe Cliff is a changed man. He's calmer, he's listening and many times before while locked up there was a great deal of anger, but this time, I don't hear anger. That's a milestone to be sure!

Tuesday is Cliff's 28th birthday. I think he's really getting tired of this life. He's remorseful for all the past and lost years, but knows that he still has a shot at changing his life and starting fresh again. I know God's hand has been on Cliff's life repeatedly when I go over the situations and results of his choices. God knows there's also so much more I don't know that I've been shielded from! Come to think of it, God's hand has been on my life too. Thank you, Lord.

Anyway, something is different with Cliff and it's a positive difference. Today I'm in a content and peaceful state of mind and I'm going to eat blueberry pancakes and drink coffee and be thankful.

Keep growing Cliff...it's a good, good thing.