Extra Grace Required?

 

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the tides of the ocean which ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR*  woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Is that possible? Each week I, and others, prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down a few bricks at a time and our care and love increased. I knew what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe the connection is parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*

Pic by Laura McAlpine

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

Picture googled

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

What's On Your Bookshelf?

This summer I purposed that I would read more.  I used to love to sit and read for hours, but in the pace of life those days are precious and few not to mention that when I curl up and read I fall asleep. It's taken a lot of practice to be able to sit again and not feel lazy by passing the time away leisurely reading. 

When I first began recovery and even through the years since, I've found that a lot of my reading time has been wrapped up in the topic of recovery from every angle. Some days I couldn't get my hands on anything quickly enough to pacify my pain or answer my frenzied search on the what, why and when questions I had of enabling and codependency.  Soon, my bookshelf contained the excellent writings of Melody Beattie and Angelyn Miller to name a few and I couldn't take it in quickly enough. Boundaries, CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go and The Enabler consumed my every waking hour outside of work. 

As excellent as those books are and as medicinal as they were during various times in my life, I soon found that I was often looking at the world through a frown; the topic of recovery and addiction had become an addiction to me.  I wasn't balanced on any scale in my world, and soon I was eating, drinking, thinking recovery on every level of my life.  As we know, addiction to ANYTHING is deadly.  Over time, my chaotic living began to settle just a little bit at a time and I began to see that there was another world beyond my obsession and it was going on without me!  Music, movies, reading for enjoyment (not denial), art fairs and theater.  My world began to open up as I learned to no longer be consumed by the addictive behavior in Cliff's life and in my own.   If you are new to the world of recovery, come on in!   But learn as quickly as you can to be educated and pro-active but not consumed by all things recovery.  That's just as unhealthy as enabling and codependency. 

What's on your bookshelf?   What are your interests?  If you're stuck in a rut due to mind numbing living, ask your friends to suggest something light and easy.  Take the time to sit under a shade tree and listen to something that you can sing along with. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with a younger child or grandchild. Expand your horizons!

Step out of the ash heap and smile because staying in it won't change the ones you love.  You may as well make yourself lovable and remove the frown that the whole wide world sees you wearing.  

You are only promised today. Be set free and read! 

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

One Day at A Time

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

In the solitude of my car yesterday, I was going through the years of recovery for me and for Cliff.  I recalled how I felt when I first began attending meetings with regularity. I couldn't handle the pain well and that's when I began to write. I needed an outlet somewhere but didn't know what to do. 

At first, I went to meetings like most parents do, desperate for someone to tell me how to save my son. How to stop the madness and chaos and I was desperate to understand why anyone would put something into their bodies so seriously unhealthy and dangerous that each time they handled a needle it was like playing Russian roulette. What hurt my son so much that we couldn't talk about it and get to the bottom of it?  

I didn't believe that I had to go to these meetings for me. "Don't you get it??" I shouted silently "I don't have the addiction. My son is going to die in some house in Detroit or Highland Park and no one will be able to tell me. They don't know me, they don't know how to reach me!? He's only 18, he's only 19, he's only 23"....and so it went day after day, month after month, year after year.  After attending meetings weekly for several months, the scales on my eyes began to loosen and fall away, a little at a time.   And still, the boundaries and denial played tricks on me. I needed to face the facts in order for some of "it" to stick and stay and allow me to pick through it and digest what I could, when I could. Like a heaping Thanksgiving dinner plate while fighting off a flu bug, I worked through the steps of recovery. 

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado.  I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance.  To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will. 

Driving to my meeting yesterday I remembered that one of the things I used to say and wrote about early in the beginning of this blog, was "if you had a child with a terminal illness you would do anything you could to save his life." So that's what I did.  But the difference is that a terminal illness randomly comes onto someone unexpectedly and they are then dependent upon the medical field and a miracle from God in heaven, to be healed. They are subject to this test and that exam to figure out the best way to treat their invasive life-robbing disease and sadly, sometimes there isn't any cure. The terminally ill person is facing a giant to which they no longer have the slingshot and stone that will take it down. 

Now the addict may also randomly find himself addicted when they take that first step to try something risky.  Suddenly their illness takes hold and directs their life choices.  They too, can put themselves into the medical fields hands for healing but the difference is they can be healed if they simply take a step to help themselves.  They do not have to face a death sentence unless they choose to.  It's a simple change that they have to choose for themselves. No one can hand it to them. They have to pick it up and walk to the next step, inch by inch, but they can be healed.  The key is in their hands. 

So all this to say, it's taken me a long time in these meetings to come to this "aha" moment of letting this part go.  Life choices for someone at 18 are different than someone at 25 and then again at 30. Cliff is now 7 years clean, and I am 8 years on a path of life-changing choices for me that free from all the garbage that I simply used to kick from room to room and try to make sense in my thinking.    

Hang in there. Your "aha" will come to you at sometime in your recovery walk as well. And then another "aha" will come along when you are ready for the next bite.   

Just keep taking life one day at a time. God will guide you. He promised. 

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning was full of questions for myself regarding my commitment to meetings for family support through this crazy, chaotic world of loving our addicts.  I wonder if this is what I should be doing or if it's really worth the time I am investing to be available for those who hurt. Then I remember that this is just as much for me as it is for those who choose to attend.  

Today we reviewed a little portion from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.  If you have not invested time in reading this book, run to your nearest library, used bookstore or Hazelden.org and get yourself a copy of what could change your codependent life.  Truthfully, we are all codependent in some form or another. But sometimes through childhood years, unhealthy friendship/relationships, addiction or alcohol abuse, we find ourselves in full blown illness.  But, just as people are unwilling to recognize addiction as an illness,  we surely aren't going to give room for codependency as an illness. The author refers to a statement by Earnie Larsen  "If you defined your problem as living with an alcoholic, you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.  That may be partially correct.  But our real problems are codependents are our own characteristics - our codependent behaviors."  Well now, isn't that an awakening?  It was for me. 

When I first began attending meetings six years ago, a recovering alcoholic pointed an accusatory finger at me and said "you have doormat stamped across your forehead"...and laughed.  Stick it, pal, I wanted to say. Not very Christian like I know, but I thought to myself because I didn't have the courage to speak, you have no idea how close the line really is from being a good mom to being an enabler,  It can be a baffling place when you are fully in the world of  denial, controlling, anger and a myriad of other emotions that try to direct your life of secrets.  Oh, thank You Lord, that I am on the healing side of that horrid place.

Today, I listened to another parent and her adult daughter talk about taking those first steps of setting themselves free.  Some boundaries were being outlined and slowly this nearly 70 year old mother is beginning to see that her life is not about taking care of her out of control addict. That God created her for a purpose of her own and His plan for her is good.  She's tired and her addict exhausts her. As with most addicts, this one is diagnosed with a bunch of mental illness issues.  Every other parent there nodded in understanding as she talked about how hard it is to watch her neurotic son  load up on the pills they want him to take.  She hardly knows him.  Yet, a month ago when he was admitted to the hospital for some very paranoid behaviors and they took him off all prescribed meds for evaluation, this mom said, "I had a glimpse of my son again."  Three days later he was on all his pills again because his case manager lets the addict tell her what he needs.  It's a crazy thing.  

In the state of Michigan, you can tell the social programs that are "helping you" that you aren't using needle drugs or methamphetamine and they don't necessarily test you.  You are then added to the program and psychiatrists/psychologists will prescribe all kinds of anti-depressants, anxiety or any other type of drug they think you need or you think you need.  They will practically let you call your own medical plan into action.  And because of HIPPA, the family does not have to be included or consulted.  So drug addicts with crazy behavior can work the people and not have to work a program and the family tries to deal with crazy. No wonder we become control freaks. 

The medical field has very little addiction education in their years of preparing for their medical license.  Last I heard, the average medical doctor spends 8 classroom hours on addiction.  How in the world are we going to reduce the number of addicts in our society when all the medical field wants to do is load them up with "legal" drugs?? It's a nightmare. 

Thankfully, through the steps of recovery we learn to step back and not try to fix this or control it.  Our beloved addicts have to want this life change and we are learning to stand back and say "yay" when they take the steps necessary to change their lives into healthy chemical free living.  

And now the best part of this chapter closed with this:

Recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us (*codependents) have been living with.   Recovery is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple.  

It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. 

Each person is responsible for him - or herself.  

It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to : taking care of ourselves. 

I promise you this.  You will be changed and your relationships will be changed when you embrace this truth!!

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

Full Circle

So much has been happening in my world as of late.  I finally took some of my posts that others had urged me to put into book form and published a small book of the same title as my blog.  Enabling Love went public about 4 weeks ago.  It is pretty exciting, I must say but the biggest part of the news is just how far I've come from 5 or 6  years ago when I was an enabling mess.  To this day, I continue to ask God to help me work on my own character defects and will till the day I die, I'm sure.

Completing this book was simply a milestone for me as it allowed me to finally reach and complete a goal in my life.  I've had many visions of grandeur and some were probably not at all impossible but given the lifestyle I was in, there was no way I would reach that goal. Repeatedly I said I was going to do something, or often in my conversations I would hear myself say "I ought to do ...". Ohhhhh, them's fightin' words to me now!  That old "ought to" thinking is far behind me but I see it over there lurking about waiting to grab me by my ankles and pull me quickly into another dance I'd rather not perform. Finally, I accomplished something I promised myself I would do and therein lies the gratification proving to me that I have grown and changed.  Before, I was living in a lie that told me my chances to do anything differently or to live life differently were past me.  Ha!   That's one of the lies of chaos, addiction and enabling.  It seemed I lived my life almost voyeur-like, intensely observing others success-filled lives in amazement. Frozen in place and time I watched person after person make choices, travel places, laugh more and love better than I; at least it seemed that way.  I was allowing all the unreal, untrue thoughts to rob me of the present and hold me hostage from moving into the steps that would take me to a different future. I'm so,  so happy to have that thinking and behavior out of my life and replaced with healthy, positive truths.

Not long ago, I wrote about the changes in my life with a new house and a huge step of setting Cliff free from me.  Nine months ago he wasn't as eager to take the step as I was but over the past several months now, I've come to see just how freeing that change was for me. I had just about come full circle in learning and living a 12 Step life but saw that I could just as easily have stepped back into unhealthy, codependent choices too.  

Three weeks ago, I received a phone call from Cliff to say that he was out of a job.  The place where he worked seemed to often dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his face that would take him into management had let him go.  They worked him like a manager, he put in the hours like a manager and more, and would jump at the chance to fill in when someone else didn't meet the schedule as planned. Cliff hit a snag and they parted ways.   From my perspective he learned a big life lesson through these months; paying his own way and answering for himself.  Major lessons for a former addict. 

So, as I thought might happen, the phone call came and the discussion went like this:

Cliff:  "I love it here but nothings coming my way" I think I might have to come back to Michigan. 

Me:    "Oh?" I say.  "And where will you go?" I asked, waiting to hear his answer. 

Cliff:  "I've been talking to John and he said for sure they'd love to have me on their crew. Remember they wanted me in April? 

Me:   "Yes, I do recall that. But I also recall promised hours that never seemed to come, remember?"

Cliff:    "Well, to be honest (yes, we're making progress!!!) I didn't always keep my word to them so they would go on without me"

Me:    "I figured as much but you had to admit it for yourself"

Cliff:  "Mom, I've grown up a lot this year and I don't work that way anymore. I don't like sitting around not working. I really don't go out and party either" 

Me:   "Where will you live?" 

Sure enough his first suggestion was that maybe he could come here.  I said no.  What if it's just briefly? I said no.  My conversation with Cliff continued and he wanted my input, so I gave it.  

You are 32, I reminded him, and we aren't roommates. Continue as you have lived, like a man taking care of business. Confirm with John your wage and your starting date. Then call a few options in WL to see if you can pay rent and live there. And write down your goals! 

Another hour or so later the phone rang again and Cliff called to say that he worked it all out and I feel as if I've finally gone full circle and closed the gap for myself.  The art of saying no has found its way into my vocabulary and it came without false guilt of hurting someone else's feelings.

In fact, it came across so well, that our conversation ended this way:

"Mom, if I ever want to come over to hang out for a weekend, can I come?"   

The boundary has been made in a clear and healthy way! 

Yay!!



*pic Googled*

Yes? No?

Being a recovering codependent isn't easy. What others do day in and day out "just because" isn't so easy for one like me. We scrutinize our every  move. We question many of our day to day decisions as to whether or not we are being enabling or codependent. It happens at home, at work and even among extended family gatherings. Sigh.

Truly, ignorance is bliss. Sometimes.

I'm amazed at what I've learned about myself in the past 3 years. I've spent many years in and out of counseling offices, for which I am grateful. They were helpful and necessary for the times when I needed it but enabling and codependency never came up. Maybe the symptoms didn't reveal themselves so easily. I maintain that often, some things we do are simply out of love as a mother, wife, friend, sister or daughter. It seems that in many relationships I was just fine. The relationships where my sickness became so enmeshed with life are the relationships that were closest to me. Being a wife and mother. How could I have been so sick? Was I always this way or did it develop as a means of trying to survive unhealthy situations? I suppose this could be answered as easily as which came first, the chicken or the egg.

All I know is that now my eyes are wide open and I'm checking myself often. It truly helps at work and at home when I put into practice a healthy mindset. Learning to say no, without waiting until I'm pushed into an overwhelmed state of mind, is so much nicer. Because I've learned (and am still learning) to say no when it's appropriate, my yes is truer. I can say yes without guilt because I say no when it's good for me ~and for others. I'm learning that saying no doesn't make me a big meanie and saying yes only when it's good for me frees me up to enjoy what I'm committing too instead of feeling overwhelmed and resentful. If I'm not clear on yes or no for me, I may as well consult the magic 8 ball, and we know how that works out!

The 12 steps and God's word works for me!

"And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, 'I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, 'God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."
                                           Matt 5:33-37 (The MSG)

All pics googled*