Extra Grace Required?

 

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the tides of the ocean which ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR*  woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Is that possible? Each week I, and others, prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down a few bricks at a time and our care and love increased. I knew what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe the connection is parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*

Pic by Laura McAlpine

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

In Search of Healthy Love

All my life I've been somewhat of a people pleaser, and a darn good one at that! When my sister and I were growing up, we were often called upon to babysit our younger siblings. In our house my sister was commonly known as "Lucy Van Pelt" and I was absorbed with "I Love Lucy". Guess who my sibs wanted as their babysitter? We Want Laura, they would shout! Van Pelt NEVER let anyone walk on her, around her or over her if she thought they weren't supposed to do, act or behave a certain way. I, on the other hand, wanted happy times all the time so rearranging the rules was an excuse by me for everyone to be happy. :)

I was a codependent in training from the get-go. Somewhere, fair and balanced behavior missed me. I was just skipping along minding my own business most of the time or at least that's what it seemed like from my perspective. Was it our generation? We were caught between the "everyone lives happily ever after" era and the "we trust and believe no one over 30" thinking that was springing up all around. I preferred the happily ever after group and who wouldn't? To me the second group was always fighting against everyone and I didn't see the benefit of the alcohol/drug life. I was afraid that I would like it and not be able to stop or something bad would happen to me. Thankfully, for once I yielded to my guardian angels urging. It's not something I did very often. Looking mostly like Joannie Cunningham when she was a beaver girl in Happy Days set the pattern of my days in high school. I looked out of place, often felt out of place, and being a mid-November baby when I started school at age 4, I was slow to develop and slow to mature. I was barely beginning to emerge into an individual and recognizing that I needed some boundaries when my life changed.

When I was a senior I met my first real boyfriend who became my first real husband, my sons Daddio. I was sucked into a "code" relationship very quickly. The chaos revealed almost immediately that there was something brewing in his life and it wasn't good. We hadn't been dating long when graduation day was upon us. His parents opted out of going to the ceremony for various reasons/excuses. Sadly, Daddio went alone to his graduation and I went with my parents. Later in the day, Daddio came by on his 10-speed bike, riding to beat the band. He lived at least two miles away so it was a good ride away. Clearly he was angry and stated flat out he was leaving home. It seems that when he got home from the ceremony and showed his parents his diploma his mother was many sheets to the wind and she began one of her verbal assaults on Daddio. Before he knew what was happening she tore his diploma into bits and pieces and tossed it all over the floor. As he replayed the scenario to me I couldn't believe my ears and immediately my feelings were to comfort this "poor guy".... and so the cycle began. Pity for Daddio and an immediate "I'll save you!" feeling came over me. I had a huge knot inside of me trying to grasp that any one's parents would do this to their own child and, so I thought, love would cover it all.

But there's only one type of love that covers it all and that's the love gift we get from God.

Our love, or version of it, is often skewed, unhealthy or biased and when applied to hurts and anguish in our lives it's even more tainted. We imagine it to be the curing salt on the wound and that the wound will be completely healed if we salt it enough. Often, we don't look for the wound root that needs healing to make it whole again. We salt, sugar coat and slather from the outside in hopes of covering or healing the surface scars that remain. Learning to go deeper and work for healing from the inside out can be painstakingly slow and there are seasons in life we feel we just don't have the time for that slow process. We live in the USA, dammit, and I want this fixed NOW and PAINFREE!

The gift of love from the Creator of love must be managed with wisdom from the love giver. Reading His love notes to me along with my tools in recovery is the basis of foundation where true love will manifest into a healthy, healing love relationship with myself.

John 15:9-13 (The Message)
"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me.

Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love."

*All Pics Googled*

Patterns of Co-Dependency

Sitting in meetings and listening to speakers who've had a true transformation from the life of alcohol, drugs and other bondage type lifestyles causes me to continually take a look at the patterns in my own life. Sometimes the reality of my choices stops me short. I mean, I didn't use a substance to fill my need or kill my pain. I used myself and let others use me too.

Codependency is one sick character defect. Either you're drinking or swallowing pills or you're not. Either you're snorting, shooting or smoking or you're not. I am not simplifying the battle users have but with codependents it's not always so crystal clear. Every thought, action and decision is suspect for the unhealthy codependent. Behaviorally, our tendencies toward our character defects are often rewarded, thereby not being recognized or called out as harmful. Then suddenly these behaviors or the pattern of such sick thinking reveals itself in patterns and life results that are far reaching and long lasting.

I see and read about so many others who've overcome huge obstacles in their diseases and have also gone on in their personal and professional lives to reach great success. Now, I'm getting it and feel like I can't catch my breath for the race I'm in against the clock of age and time. But I know that this thought is also of my *sickness* too.

The patterns of codependency listed on the CoDA website is rather descriptive and I almost see the list printed with my face being used as the background. Not as a victim or poor me feeling but as an awakening and an amazement in knowing that I've been carrying around these crippling patterns for so long!

Thankfully, in the past 12 months God has brought absolutely amazing people into my life and I am surrounded with those who believe in and encourage me to move forward in my dreams and my recovery. I've been brought to the realization of who has caused the most struggle in my life; who's kept me from achieving my dreams and goals and who's choice it is to change my life's direction for the balance of my days. I've been given the life changing keys.

*We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.*

*All Pics Googled*

Hester Prynne and Me

I feel as though I should be wearing a big "E" on my chest just as Hester Prynne, wore in The Scarlet Letter. Let the world know that I'm the one who let my son become an addict. I'm the one who loved him so much that he stayed in his vomituous lifestyle. Now, due to a mother's love, he's in prison. I know this thinking is just a lie, but that's how it feels.

I also know that I did what I best knew how to do and whether I chose to do "A" or "B" in my life, chances are Cliff's life would be no different than it is today. Addiction does not show partiality. It loves the rich and the poor, the brainiacs and the ignorant all the same. In the world of addiction, at least from my exposure and perspective, race is a non-issue for users and dealers alike. If you have the money, they've got the stuff and you can drop and use right where you are.

Nevertheless, as I grow in my understanding of this epidemic and my knowledge of setting boundaries for myself, I continuously feel that fingers are pointing at me.


Is this true or my own neurosis?