Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

Ho, Ho, Hum

Ah, Christmas!  It always messes with my mind. In my imagination I see the day played out like a scene from It's a Wonderful Life, but in reality it's probably more like Roseanne.  This year it was kind of the same. 

Though it's been years since my son has been active in addiction, the world of addiction and recovery is wagging it's tail behind me. For just about all my years as an adult, I have been single and often alone. What happens is that I used to seclude myself from the world in order to not face the drama or the truth of what was going on. It was less painful for me to fret at home alone than to have to look into the faces of others and try to read their thoughts, which I was certain were all about me and my struggles with Cliff. Problem #1 is the deceiver is such a liar but when you're vulnerable you will believe anything that makes sense to ease the pain. Problem #2 is it's not my job to try to read any ones thoughts or non-verbal communications toward me.  Sheesh. 

Now, many years later I have to work hard at not slipping back into my seclusion. What used to be my insane asylum is slowly becoming my sanctuary again and I like it. This has taken MANY years and tears and LOTS of hard work. Addiction and chaos are not polite or sensitive to the family members at all. It will hold you hostage if you let it. Even years after, I must remain on guard of my thoughts and actions. 

As busy as I can be, however, I still find myself with a lot of time alone. No phone calls, no visitors, no outings. Facebook can fill my heart with angst as I see people I love living the lives I had hoped for.  Even at my age, most communication with family and friends is via text, which I HATE.  I repeat, I HATE, but phones don't get answered so I've joined the ranks of texting. I'm quite a distance from my circle of friends so meeting up for a quick anything is not too quick. It requires planning ahead. Who's got time?  40  minutes away makes nothing quick. One thing after another ticks off the list of why I'm alone. Who can change it? Only me. Therein lies the problem. 

Many changes have taken place this year in my life.  Son #1 and Lovely Espousa have been married 11-1/2 years now and have a sweet little family with two precious daughters;  Mini-chick turned 10. Whaaaaa??.  Oh, the joy those little girlies bring to my heart, I can't even begin to express.  I have since retired (semi) and am fumbling around to find my way. Not aimlessly, mind you, but unplanned  just yet.  Because I try to pray about everything, I talked with the Lord about retiring for quite a while before the decision was made. Pressing on my heart, was that my family is getting older and I've worked hard for many years and missed out on some important relationships. I didn't want to watch the remainder of my days and years nor the ones I love slip away without spending some valuable time with them. Lo and behold, just a short time after I retired, my brothers cancer moved to his brain.  He's going to need some assistance and I will make every effort to be available as often as I can. He's alone 90% of the time, too. My healthy father is 87 but can use a companion on occasion to accompany him to Florida, for instance. Poor me ;) 


Thankfully, my relationship with The Lord, my Higher Power, has strengthened over the years and He can step through and diffuse the little landmines in my thinking and bring truth and reality to me with haste. He sorts through the issues and says "Laura, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."  (Phil 4:8-9 Msg.) He reminds me to draw close to Him, the Rock on which I stand and take my place with Him.  He encourages me greatly with my days ahead.  Look at this promise for our future in His Word: "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do!  For I’m going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don’t you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

Recovery is available to anyone who truly and earnestly wants it. Seek out the better way of life. You don't have to do this in your own strength and most likely it won't stick and stay if you do.  God, who made you and knows you intimately and better than you know yourself, is just a whisper away. Truly, He will never leave you to figure this out alone if you ask Him. 

Just like I have to work on not "hiding out" I encourage you to also find your place and your group. It could be in a church or synagogue and it could also be at 12 Step meetings. Support each other in a positive way. Step out of the muddy puddle you're standing in now and begin with one new habit. Tell yourself the whole truth about the situation in your life and surround yourself with friends who you can count on.  Lean into your Creator. Your life depends on it. 

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

Amends!

I think the part I love most about walking in recovery is that it just gets better day by day, month by month and year by year.  Peace rules my day as I turn to my Higher Power, My Creator, to learn from Him and put all I'm learning into practice.   

This past week someone I dearly love made an amends to me when I least expected it. Those are the best ones!  Recovery has given me so much freedom in putting the past behind me that if the amends never came, it would not have to affect our relationship IF I practiced what I learned.  I love the part about letting go of the past and pressing on that Scripture constantly tells me and recovery reinforces.  When the words came to me with a humble apology it was a soothing salve to my heart and joy deep in my soul.  I shared with the one who spoke to me that when our relationship began to be restored that all was forgiven and put behind me but their words meant the world to me. 

Hazelden (Treatment) has such great information on their website and so I've linked to their page about amends.  Their page reiterated that amends is not merely an apology but a change as well.  My special one's heart changed months back and our relationship began to walk in a new path.  When I received precious, heartfelt words from one I love, they said that they meant to say this to me before but the opportunity hadn't come up and then life got in the way. :)

It's never too late to make a true amends. Even if the person  you've wronged or who has wronged you is no longer around, you can do something in their honor in many ways.  Plant a tree, sign up to be an organ donor, give a book to another in their memory, volunteer with their favorite organization. The list is unending.  

So, seize the day friends! You've nothing to lose but precious moments that could be love filled instead of gaping holes sucking the life out of you. 

Counterfeit Relationships

Counterfeit: an imitation that is made usually with the intent to deceptively represent its content or origins.

Recently reading a "truth be told" on someones blog about Internet relationships brought up a surge of regurge in my life too.

About 10 years ago, I moved from my hometown to Chicago for a job I accepted there. I didn't know anyone. Before I left Michigan friends of mine purchased a webtv for me in an effort to keep in touch as my home computer had been lifted by some intruders and was never recovered nor replaced. Being that I moved to a part of the Windy City that wasn't the best, I tended to work during the day and hide out at night.

Thus began my webtv and chatting addiction.

Someone mentioned chat rooms to me. I *went* in and out of these rooms trying to figure out how it worked and the popularity of it all. It seemed dizzying at first and quickly I found that there were places I didn't want to go, places I shouldn't go, and then found the chat room where I was comfortable. Over time, as I went online and *entered my room* I began to feel like Norm on Cheers where everyone knows your name! It started out as filling a void and then quickly became my thing. My world revolved around getting to know these people, learning about their lives and their families. Fending off requests from men, many of them married, and, falling into a *relationship* or two along the way. It was reckless and comforting all at the same time.

Eventually, I did get into a committed relationship with one fellow from Canada, I'll call E. We chatted everyday sometimes for many hours as this was our courting place. We moved from that point to the telephone but still did the bulk of our communication by chatting. We began to care deeply for each other and E was good for me in many ways that I couldn't imagine would happen merely from words being tapped out on a keyboard. We met and after a while became engaged. E visited me and I visited him and quite frankly, we knew each other really well and I loved him deeply. He met my sons and my parents and this is one of the few men in my life that my Dad really liked. E was what he seemed via the net. We began the paperwork for immigration as he was going to move to the U.S.

However, what couldn't be seen or noticed over the Internet that revealed itself over a long time was just how we interacted with each other or others away from the world wide web. It's the same thing, I think, when you are far from family members and suddenly you're together and you see their behaviors in the little things in life. Those little things can and often become big things.

That isn't what kept us from completing the process and becoming husband and wife. Real life did enter in and we both almost simultaneously became care givers for one of our dying parents. The days became months and then it became clear that this relationship would not be. I grieved that loss for quite some time but some differences were slowly revealed to us about myself and E which would possibly have become big things in our daily living together. Because of distance and the unnatural developing of this relationship we had no way of seeing or learning our real differences during our relationship which may have become detrimental in the long run.

It didn't stop me though, from meeting others via the net. It became my comfort zone where I could type away and hide from the eyes of the people I was chatting with. In the earlier days everyone didn't have web cam or even photos online. I never intentionally lied or pretended to be something I wasn't and thereby never looked skeptically at anyone else online either. Because my self-esteem had been trampled and abused throughout my first marriage I thought I knew how someone else would size me up in the "real world" and therefore, immediately decided I would be rejected based on appearance alone. My safe zone was behind the computer typing away with full confidence because I wouldn't fall into the words or other come-ons to feel better about myself. It kept me from letting others take advantage of me when I was one of the walking wounded. Sort of.

The internet sort of short cuts some of the necessary steps of getting to know someone in their full element and for them to know me exactly the same way. It can be totally counterfeit and thereby stealing time, affection and brain space that would be better used elsewhere. I fell more than once for the quick words and fully loaded emails lauding my wonderfulness. I took to heart what some were saying to me as truth when I was in a most fragile state of mind. There were times and places I went in real life and in cyber space that were not good for me but I was trying to fill a void and a hurt and this was my quick fix.

Counterfeit relationships happen every day and often in both worlds. We are tied into the Internet so much that I have to remind myself to stay focused on what is real and what is not. Even my "blogging friends" will really only know some of me.

Except Lou. :)

*All Pics Googled*

Sooner or Later...

"Sooner or Later we give up all hope of having a better yesterday."

As soon as I walked into the "family" meeting at a nearby hospital where one of my beloved sons was being treated for addiction, the above statement written on the blackboard quickly caught my eye.

It took hold of my thoughts and sort of shook me hard. A reality check to be sure. Nothing I said, nothing I did would change the past and give me better memories or stories to share. It also helped me quit thinking "If only I" or sing the old familiar tune called "Coulda, woulda, shoulda".

I always found this a difficult balance though. Misunderstanding the guidelines of faith, I often found myself climbing back onto the horse of guilt and trying to balance all the saddle bags that came with it.

It's only when I put everything at the foot of the cross and let God completely control my life, am I capable of leaving the past in the past and to learn from it. Only then can I grasp that having a better yesterday is never going to happen and it's okay. It's only when I remember that what happens in anyone else's lives, including mine and my sons, is between God and the person. It's not for me to control, manage or vary. Reshaping everyone else's life isn't in my job desription.

The above statement keeps my life in check. With that, the following verse completes it:

"But I do one thing. I forget everything that is behind me and look forward to that which is ahead of me."

Phil 3:13 NLV

Still Coping?

Coping, or my version of it, was beyond healthy in any capacity. In spite of coming from a large family I dearly love, being helped in a day to day way was out of the question. As Detroit changed dramatically, my circle of family and friends were spread out and separated in locality just as dramatically. When a family enters a crisis lifestyle, which is what it was for us, being separated from loved ones can really send you reeling into another dimension entirely.

Due to the unconscious rewinding and replaying over and over again of words that were derogatory, my mind battled between truth and lies. Somehow, the lies seemed to set the stage for decisions I made for years beyond. My marriage was so unhealthy that I looked for acceptance, love, and self-worth through men who would say what they thought I needed to hear. The problem was, I was such an empty vessel, I fell for one after the other thinking "this was it!"

Boy, was I out of my mind. With the thinking that was stinking up my life, how was I parenting, working or functioning in a healthy and positive way? The debris around my life clearly states that I wasn't functioning as well as I thought. I just didn't see the effects on my life as they truly were. All of this without a drink or drug in sight.

I had close friends and a church family who helped me in many ways, but often I just wasn't able to share the deepest struggles regarding me or my sons (keeping secrets). Sometimes when I did share, people often didn't know what to say or how to help me. I wasn't healthy enough to either see or hear or was to prideful when God placed others in my path to help. Years later, I'm picking up pieces and putting myself back together to be the person God was always encouraging and intending for me to be.

Step One is as meaningful to me as to any one else in a Twelve Step program.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.


Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole.

Coping?

Coping skills and co-dependency may be interchangable. For years people would pat me on the back for having great fortitude or the ability to stick with it. They had no idea that mentally I was going out of my mind. My friend Lou posted a statement the other day that has been rolling around in my thoughts.

Lou posted: "I did find one interesting statistic: the affected spouse/parent/loved one of an addict lives with the situation for an average of 7 years before seeking help." If this is true, I'm one messed up woman.

Somehow, through the upbringing of loving parents, I thought that I was supposed to handle all these problems because I was the one who made choices to marry young and encountered all that came with it. In a healthy marital relationship, this would be true. You know, for better, for worse...

Going home was not presented as an option. Talking about it wasn't a good idea either as you played the cards you're dealt. Misunderstanding my faith at times meant I should stick with it, all of it, "till death do us part" and as for parenting there is no concrete line to draw from. I don't think till death do us part meant abusive relationships.

Spending my early adult years with a mate who was raised by dual alcoholic parents opened my eyes to things I'd never seen nor heard before. The constant chaos was unimaginable. My parents were fairly awesome parents given all they had to deal with through their 53 years. One thing they didn't do is belittle or speak in derogatory ways to each other. But, when my mate spoke to me, I couldn't believe the things I heard or the names thrown at me. How could he say he loves me one minute and then talk to me like this the next? How was I not supposed to hear those words that played over and over again in my mind and still haunt me today?


"This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?"

James 3:9-11, The Message

More on coping to follow.....