Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

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