A New Decade and A New Choice

God is able to accomplish, provide, help, save, keep, subdue. 

He is able to do what you can't. 

He already has a plan. God's not bewildered. Go to Him.  

Max Lucado

It's 2020! Do you recall looking ahead as a child and thinking about what your life would look like at 2020? What plans did you have for yourself? Where would you be living and who would you be living with? The list goes on of how we coulda, woulda, shoulda landed where we are today. BUT, along came something you didn't plan on.  

What rocks your world?  I'm not sure, but I think once you've been down the avenue of life's rocky adventures, your world doesn't rock so easily any longer.  The news you get today is always compared to the awareness and knowledge of your loved one living a risky life with substances or other earth shattering moments.  Perhaps you've received the news that someone you love is in a debilitating situation with their health and you can't see beyond today or believe that there is a chance for healing or a longer life.  Maybe you were just notified of a crime that occurred and your loved one was right in the middle of it.  Or, the phone rang and it was your own doctor with news you never imagined would be yours.  When we are younger and look ahead we surely don't plan for these types of scenarios.  And why would we? We'd be living like Eeyore if our horizon was heavy laden all the time with impending storm clouds.  

Nothing teaches us more about life than living.  Each day has troubles of it's own, the Bible says, so don't go looking ahead for more to add to your burden.  

How do I do that, you wonder?  Each day remains the same it seems, as if you were stuck in a scene from the Groundhog Day Movie.  They leave the house, looking to score, and you cry. Wandering the house alone you find yourself creeping into the bedrooms looking for something, anything, to sort out your thoughts and squelch the impending truths that are lying in your path of cloudy vision.  You realize that you see things you don't understand. and you shake your head in bewilderment as if that will help you clear out the chaos in your thinking.  But you're so frozen in fear, you don't ask anyone about it because you can't accept what's right in front of your nose.  You haven't found a place to land with ears to listen because you're so ashamed about what you think is happening you simply find it impossible to utter a word.  You've convinced yourself you're all alone. And the vision plays out the same each day, month, year and decade.  Suddenly you're in 2020 and it looks the same as 2015, 2010 and as far back as you can remember. 

And you silently scream, how can I believe this statement about God?  He's so far removed from my situation, you believe, that He's no help to me.  But, eventually you find that you are thinking and talking to God more each day because you have no one else to talk to and nowhere else to go. Is He speaking to me? Is my situation really going to change as He says? 

If anything is true, it's the truth that we have choices.  And, if we choose to put ourselves into God's hand and change our thinking, OUR situation will change because WE will change.  It may not stop the addict from scoring or the drunk from another binge, but we might find our responses to the swill around us can be shifted.  Instead of jumping into the pigpen and trying to wrestle with swine, convincing them of another way, we walk on a new path in order to make choices that are good for US. Slowly we learn to side step the puddles lying on our paths. 

We begin to gain the peace that God promises, that the world won't understand.  How can we have peace in the midst of such chaos? Because we are learning to trust God at His Word that what He says is true.  And this trust isn't because of any magic, cosmic energy, aura or karma.  God doesn't subscribe to that thinking.  The Prince of Peace is above all man-made concoctions of the pathway to peace that doesn't include Him, simply because He IS peace. 

So, as we turn the calendar over to a new day, new week, new year and new decade, we also decide to turn our lives and wills over to the care of God.  Step Three in a nutshell says: "I can't.  God can.  I think I'll let Him."

Happy New Day! 

Extra Grace Required?

 

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the tides of the ocean which ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR*  woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Is that possible? Each week I, and others, prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down a few bricks at a time and our care and love increased. I knew what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe the connection is parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*

Pic by Laura McAlpine

The Times They Are A-Changin

Happy New Year! 

2017 is here whether we like it or not. And the song by Bob Dylan from 1964 is as relevant as ever. "The times they are a-changin". I've made a lot of personal changes in the last few months as previously shared and so I was beginning to look forward to this year with great anticipation and excitement as to what might lay ahead. 

Of course, the pivotal political scene is looming large but I'm looking beyond it at my own place and my own pace and the part I play living in the here and now. Challenged a few weeks ago by a group I'm part of to come up with my personal word for this year, I pondered and noted and reasoned within to see what word would suit the year ahead.  At first I was entertaining the word Discipline as it's a lifestyle I earnestly seek in many facets of my life. So I noted Discipline as a contender for this year. Another word that I played with in my dance to and fro was Freedom. I preferred the sound of Freedom over Discipline as it just had such a "spin around in circles and twirl your dress" kind of feeling for me. Sort of a feeling that I would have wings and soar wherever I wanted to go as high as I wanted or dive down at a great rate of speed, only to pull up on my own wings and soar again. Or to merely float in an ethereal type of meandering through life causing everyone to wish they were me. Truly Freedom seems the opposite of Discipline and yet you really can't have Freedom without Discipline.  But all that changed last night. 

A few years back I designed a website entitled Enabling Love just like this blog page. But I noticed a while back that when I went to view my pages, they were nowhere to be found. Knowing that this would take some uninterrupted time on the phone with my provider, I didn't address it until last night. "Hmmm" they said, "let's have a look see."  Well, 65 minutes later (see? you need an open ended amount of time) it turns out that something disconnected from one part of the website to the other and needed to merely be corrected. It wasn't anything I would have known or would have done intentionally.  We tweaked a few more things over the phone and the provider told me that my page would come back as originally designed and be up and running shortly.  However, as you may have guessed, what should have happened and what actually happened are two different things.  It turns out that my website will have to be redesigned and that doesn't necessarily make me happy and yet it gives me a thought of a new direction for Enabling Love. A change of sorts. 

I had been contemplating making this change for some time as I began to realize that I have so much more to discuss with you then always my walk in recovery. Now, my recovery and the walk through the years of addiction within my family have certainly been a HUGE part of what shaped me but it isn't all I am. I began to feel last year that I wanted to take this blog up a little more. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly because we are so much more than what hardships have come our way.  We were created for more! 

Enabling has two meanings but most of our culture has come to relate it only to a negative action connected to addiction or alcohol abuse. In the negative aspect, enabling describes dysfunctional behavior and codependency patterns that makes any parent, spouse, child or sibling add another heap of guilt and shame onto their own sagging shoulders. 

Enabling is also referred to in a positive manner as an action that empowers someone to soar above the clouds (wear your wings!); the ability to accomplish something that takes work to finish. When one is empowered they are confident and capable of seizing opportunities that come along. Can't isn't on the radar screen.  

What a difference, eh? 

So, with that being said my new word for this year is Change and along with that my website and blog will be making changes too. It will still have references and resources to assist those desperately looking for help during the crisis and chaotic situations that come with addiction and alcohol. But hopefully, it will also offer some bright outlooks, good stories and wellness to soothe your soul, too. After all, if we only wear the gas mask we are limited by the reservoir of stale air in the tanks we wear until they are empty. We need to shed those gas masks and allow the air of good living and God's Wise direction change our thinking and change our lives for the better. 

Remember what they say on an air flight? Put on your own mask first then you can help others.  In other words, take care of you. 

"If you change the way you look at things, 

the things you look at change."  

Wayne Dyer

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Full Circle

So much has been happening in my world as of late.  I finally took some of my posts that others had urged me to put into book form and published a small book of the same title as my blog.  Enabling Love went public about 4 weeks ago.  It is pretty exciting, I must say but the biggest part of the news is just how far I've come from 5 or 6  years ago when I was an enabling mess.  To this day, I continue to ask God to help me work on my own character defects and will till the day I die, I'm sure.

Completing this book was simply a milestone for me as it allowed me to finally reach and complete a goal in my life.  I've had many visions of grandeur and some were probably not at all impossible but given the lifestyle I was in, there was no way I would reach that goal. Repeatedly I said I was going to do something, or often in my conversations I would hear myself say "I ought to do ...". Ohhhhh, them's fightin' words to me now!  That old "ought to" thinking is far behind me but I see it over there lurking about waiting to grab me by my ankles and pull me quickly into another dance I'd rather not perform. Finally, I accomplished something I promised myself I would do and therein lies the gratification proving to me that I have grown and changed.  Before, I was living in a lie that told me my chances to do anything differently or to live life differently were past me.  Ha!   That's one of the lies of chaos, addiction and enabling.  It seemed I lived my life almost voyeur-like, intensely observing others success-filled lives in amazement. Frozen in place and time I watched person after person make choices, travel places, laugh more and love better than I; at least it seemed that way.  I was allowing all the unreal, untrue thoughts to rob me of the present and hold me hostage from moving into the steps that would take me to a different future. I'm so,  so happy to have that thinking and behavior out of my life and replaced with healthy, positive truths.

Not long ago, I wrote about the changes in my life with a new house and a huge step of setting Cliff free from me.  Nine months ago he wasn't as eager to take the step as I was but over the past several months now, I've come to see just how freeing that change was for me. I had just about come full circle in learning and living a 12 Step life but saw that I could just as easily have stepped back into unhealthy, codependent choices too.  

Three weeks ago, I received a phone call from Cliff to say that he was out of a job.  The place where he worked seemed to often dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his face that would take him into management had let him go.  They worked him like a manager, he put in the hours like a manager and more, and would jump at the chance to fill in when someone else didn't meet the schedule as planned. Cliff hit a snag and they parted ways.   From my perspective he learned a big life lesson through these months; paying his own way and answering for himself.  Major lessons for a former addict. 

So, as I thought might happen, the phone call came and the discussion went like this:

Cliff:  "I love it here but nothings coming my way" I think I might have to come back to Michigan. 

Me:    "Oh?" I say.  "And where will you go?" I asked, waiting to hear his answer. 

Cliff:  "I've been talking to John and he said for sure they'd love to have me on their crew. Remember they wanted me in April? 

Me:   "Yes, I do recall that. But I also recall promised hours that never seemed to come, remember?"

Cliff:    "Well, to be honest (yes, we're making progress!!!) I didn't always keep my word to them so they would go on without me"

Me:    "I figured as much but you had to admit it for yourself"

Cliff:  "Mom, I've grown up a lot this year and I don't work that way anymore. I don't like sitting around not working. I really don't go out and party either" 

Me:   "Where will you live?" 

Sure enough his first suggestion was that maybe he could come here.  I said no.  What if it's just briefly? I said no.  My conversation with Cliff continued and he wanted my input, so I gave it.  

You are 32, I reminded him, and we aren't roommates. Continue as you have lived, like a man taking care of business. Confirm with John your wage and your starting date. Then call a few options in WL to see if you can pay rent and live there. And write down your goals! 

Another hour or so later the phone rang again and Cliff called to say that he worked it all out and I feel as if I've finally gone full circle and closed the gap for myself.  The art of saying no has found its way into my vocabulary and it came without false guilt of hurting someone else's feelings.

In fact, it came across so well, that our conversation ended this way:

"Mom, if I ever want to come over to hang out for a weekend, can I come?"   

The boundary has been made in a clear and healthy way! 

Yay!!



*pic Googled*