Unforced Rhythm of Grace

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30  (The Message)

When was the last time you read something from God that sounded so inviting and refreshing?  Did you think that recovery and God's Word didn't go together?  Look again. Be comforted. You are invited to rest and recover your life -  Your life! His Word doesn't ask you to come to Him to save your spouse, son, daughter or parent.  It invites you to come and recover yourself. Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing and loosening up.  I can sense the weight coming off of me as I breathe just a little bit deeper.  I love the invitation to come and "learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Grace.  A way of moving that isn't stiff.  A charming or attractive trait.

The word grace conjures up many a picture in my mind.  Being that I loved to dance, especially ballet as a young girl, grace is a beautiful arabesque followed by a quick glissade into a spinning turn with skirts of chiffon twirling about me free and flowing while following a gentle pattern of beauty. Some of you might see Audrey Hepburn in your minds eye.  Others will see a soaring bird or a swimming swan with wings lifted to show its grandeur.  Each of these scenarios is an unforced rhythm ~ it just happens, involuntarily, unplanned movement. 

Grace. A virtue coming from God.

How I've enjoyed grace weaving it's way through my life allowing me to live freely and lightly but I didn't always have that grace in my life. Oh, I thought I did but when I was chasing after dreams, ideals and rules that weren't mine to have, live or enforce, I was living in a forced pattern of rigidity that brought me nothing but chaos, angst and sadness.   I just didn't realize it.  I didn't know how to let go and let God, so to speak.  I didn't realize how freeing it was that I could merely live my life and let others live theirs and that I could choose to be close or distant from the chaos and poison.  I knew nothing about love with detachment or boundaries. But, now, WOW!!

Grace, grace, God's grace.

God's grace allows me to let God be God and lets me be me just as God created me to be.  Little ol' me that doesn't have to keep track of what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it that way. Grace allows me to leave the ones I love and care about into the marvelous grace of God's hand where they too, may find the unforced rhythms of grace.   When we choose to let God be God in our lives it brings an overwhelming amount of grace to us and we learn to give grace to others.  We don't deserve anything more than those who haven't come to the table yet. But the only difference is we've made a choice to live in a powerless place which is right where God is waiting.

Grace. A wonderful gift!

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now.