The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

The Key to The City

Really? It's really been almost one year since I posted?? I am struggling to grasp the time warp.

Time is tricky and of course, if we don't guard it carefully someone or something is waiting to steal it from us.   Thankfully, most of  my time is spent the way I want to spend it; family, granddaughters, activities and friends. I'm a super relational person. I LOVE being with people 85% of the time. Then I need a little respite, but not for long.

Anyway, recently I've been assessing where I've been and where I am. It's all part of this recovery business and a rather important part of my program.  Cliff has been out of prison for nearly 3 years and some things have gone really, really well (no drug usage whatsoever) while other things haven't moved much but the attempts keep coming. For me, this is something I need to remember.  I often want to pull out my magic recovery wand and wave it over my home and find that everything is changed and fixed and lining up with my deep polyanna dreams. The enemy of my soul would love to keep tripping me up into a non-reality plan with unattainable expectations for myself and anyone I love.

Recently, through prayer and meditation I realized that in my frustration with Cliff's slowness and struggles to move forward that I was approaching him with a rotten attitude and an immediate chip on my shoulder right out of the gate.   I mean, first thing in the morning when he couldn't have said anything to me yet to warrant my reactions I was barking at him!  I realized I was carrying my frustration day after day into each new morning and snarling at him at every turn. "What a hypocrite you are!!" I thought to myself as I drove to work.The Spirit in me, the one I call Holy, was nudging me to think hard about the way I was treating Cliff. Would I respond in this unkind, rude manner to any other person in my home, at work or at meetings? Absolutely not. My friend, the Holy Spirit was nudging me even more to apologize to Cliff for this pattern of behavior that was rooting in my heart and soul.

When I got home on that evening of the rude and nasty morning, we sat down to eat. We were having a decent time when I said I had something I wanted to say.  Cliff looked at me very tentatively. As if I could read his thoughts playing out like a movie marquee on his forehead, they ranged from "oh, crap she's kicking me out" to "nag, nag, nag" but he didn't say a word. He waited.  I was amazed at how hard this was as I choked on my own words to acknowledge my unbecoming ways and asking him to accept my apology and forgive me. Cliff settled back in ease as the marquee said "whew" and tried to pass it off saying "oh, that's okay."  I said "No it wasn't okay and I am truly sorry".

You'd think I had given him a key to the city. His sudden and much better demeanor was apparent and has continued through the week revealing itself in ways of doing some projects I've been asking (or demanding) to be done. Not only that, but a few small helpful tasks were performed unasked. In many homes this behavior would be typical and of no consequence. In a home like mine where nothing is typical and expectations are non-existent this is a BIG DEAL to me.

Cliff is moving at a pace I'm not always happy with. In counseling I'm reminded that drugs aren't the only source of trouble in Cliff's life. He's working through tainted thought processes, trying to believe that he is allowed to have good things in life and putting behind the negative messages rammed down his throat as a child.  He could use a daily dose of positive words from Aibileen to little Mae Mobley..."You is kind, you is smart, you is important."

So to Cliff, and all the rest of us I remember that God said we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Only man and the evil one can attempt to take that truth away from us. But through recovery with God's Words and help we can discover that we are His workmanship and we can accomplish all that we dare to dream if we have faith and take that first step.


Speak a word of kindness to someone today.

One More Drag

Cliff couldn't have been released from prison at a better time. You may have heard from Lou's blog that prisons are removing tobacco sales from the inmates. I'm not sure who came up with this brainy idea but I think it's adding gasoline to a smoking compost pile. Yep, it is. I know all the controversy surrounding this topic, but imagine yourself in a place with 4,000 men who have had, and should in most cases, every freedom taken from their lives. Forced celibacy, withdrawals and rehab hardly ever are successful, peaceful life-changing tactics. Let them have one vice.

Anyway.....

Remember "Grandpa B" , Cliff's prison cellmate? I received a letter from him the other day. He's one of the prisoners I write to and he is glad to get my letters because he wants to know how Cliff is faring these days. This last letter mentioned that Cliff couldn't have left at a better time due to the "no-smoking" ordinance set in the prisons. Grandpa B wrote that because of that ordinance, the place has become even more intolerable than ever before. Fights are breaking out left and right, people are getting hurt and cells are being broken into looking for tobacco purchased prior to the "no more sale" date. I know this all seems strange but its happening. Their cells are not like the movies, at least not at this prison. They're more like very small dorm rooms with steel doors on them that have narrow windows inserted to see into the cell. The inmates are given keys to their cell doors which has a $45.00 value attached in the event of losing or destroying them.

Grandpa also wrote that the inmates are extremely fidgety without tobacco, and drug use seems to have increased. Those who can get their hands on a cigarette are "paying" $4.00 per cigarette through their commissary items and rolling papers are equivalent to 2 bars of soap. Who knows what else they will do for just one more drag? The most startling piece of news in this letter was reading that just a few days prior one inmate died from an overdose.

Grandpa's letter makes me feel incredibly grateful to see Cliff home and witness the transformation God has made in his life. It also makes me feel incredibly sad to read that lives which we think are being somewhat saved from a life and death of street drugs by rules and restrictions are still being controlled by the drugs for which they are most likely incarcerated.

People are dying on the streets and dying in the prisons from the same poison. Someone's son, brother, uncle, father, and friends lives are up in smoke....

*All Pics Googled*

Comforting Words

Two other mothers I know were talking with me yesterday about their sons, also currently incarcerated for lifestyle choices demanded by addiction. You'd think by now, that someone in our governing hierarchy would see that treating addiction at an early age without punishment might be a deterrent. Ahh....off on a tangent, I am!

So, in our conversation, the Moms and I were discussing the "programs" that were deemed necessary in order for these men, our sons, to be considered eligible for parole. First, they had to hold a job within the prison system. Second, classes with homework had to be attended for educating the addict/alcoholic regarding their diseases. This was a two part class, Phase 1 and Phase 2. Third, AA classes were also to be part of their weekly routine. I listened to Mother number one as she talked of the frustration regarding these requirements to the simple fact that her son is on a "waiting list" for EVERYTHING. Mother number two concurred. I felt an overwhelming sigh of relief.

Why? Because every time Cliff and I have spoken, I have asked about his work, or lack thereof. He would constantly tell me how many times he kited for available jobs, kited to be put on waiting lists for AA and kited about starting a Phase 2 class. Phase 1 ended abruptly as the instructor was either discharged or quit; Cliff has heard rumors both ways. Nevertheless, those who had completed and turned in all their assignments were given a "completion" for Phase 1 and were put on the list for Phase 2. What Mother number one did for me, was reduce the little bit of uneasiness I would experience each time Cliff and I talked about his inactivity in prison. I was told and hoping that in prison he would be getting a few life skills preparing him for the real world when he's paroled.

Think again, Mom.

Fortunately for Cliff's sake, he has decided to set up his own plans for his release. He was granted parole as he met all the qualifications the best he could. In the past doing his best wouldn't fly but the prisons in Michigan are so overcrowded they don't have the staff to provide the classes, nor the jobs available. Parole would have been instantly denied no matter what the reason was for non-completing those outlined requirements.

Cliff starts each day with physical fitness, keeps his space orderly and his clothing neat and clean. They do keep an eye on that much. He's stayed totally out of trouble, no gambling over card games, no fights with other inmates and has tested negative for every single drug test that's been given. He's had little to no money in his account to barter for anything that might allow him to mask the results of a drug test. He's beginning a mentoring program with a man from my church which will continue upon Cliff's release. In a recent conversation he told me that he's grown up a lot this year. The better part of that, though, is I hear it in our conversation.

Mom number one and two soothed my uneasiness that Cliff was pulling one over on me by saying that he kites constantly and gets nowhere. I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open for any possibility of being taken advantage of again. I hope and pray for the day that I can take Cliff at his word and never wonder if it's the truth. That, however, is in Cliff's court and only time will bridge that gap.

I'll be a'waitin!

Protective Custody

Life is funny. Not always funny ha-ha, but funny peculiar, funny absurd or funny nuts.

Cliff called me this pleasant day and we were chit-chatting about nothing much really. The type of conversations I pray to have when he's living life outside those prison walls. We yakked about the Olympics, a funny Seinfeld episode he watched the other day (we're both Seinfeld freaks) and life in general when suddenly Cliff said "One of the guys I've played cards with a few times, asked to be put into protective custody."

I asked what he meant. Well, it seems that Card Shark was getting heroin from others in the Big House and didn't have the money to repay his debts. They were accumulating quickly as drug debts do. Somewhat flabbergasted at the scenario, I questioned him again for clarity and understanding of this situation. When the debts became to much (about $500) and Card Shark was being threatened he was able to ask for protective custody from the dealers INSIDE THE PRISON WALLS and be placed in a "safe place." Hmmm....I said that's what I thought was keeping Cliff safe from his dealers trying to deal, and he said yes in a way, but not really. Cliff said, and I know this, that prison is "ghetto living behind big walls". Card Shark is now safe in "the hole" while they look for another place to ride him out to.

Rhetorically I asked why Card Shark would not take advantage of this place to be free from that lifestyle. Cliff went into a wonderful and clear explanation of the fact that Card Shark has not changed his style of living or thinking at all. He said it was all about choices Card Shark was making and that Card Shark was "choosing" to remain in the ghetto of addiction whether he's living inside prison or out on the streets. Cliff said it's all about choosing a better way and no one could choose that for Card Shark. Truer words were never spoken, especially out of the mouth of one of my babes.


Can I get a "Hallelujah"?