What's On Your Bookshelf?

This summer I purposed that I would read more.  I used to love to sit and read for hours, but in the pace of life those days are precious and few not to mention that when I curl up and read I fall asleep. It's taken a lot of practice to be able to sit again and not feel lazy by passing the time away leisurely reading. 

When I first began recovery and even through the years since, I've found that a lot of my reading time has been wrapped up in the topic of recovery from every angle. Some days I couldn't get my hands on anything quickly enough to pacify my pain or answer my frenzied search on the what, why and when questions I had of enabling and codependency.  Soon, my bookshelf contained the excellent writings of Melody Beattie and Angelyn Miller to name a few and I couldn't take it in quickly enough. Boundaries, CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go and The Enabler consumed my every waking hour outside of work. 

As excellent as those books are and as medicinal as they were during various times in my life, I soon found that I was often looking at the world through a frown; the topic of recovery and addiction had become an addiction to me.  I wasn't balanced on any scale in my world, and soon I was eating, drinking, thinking recovery on every level of my life.  As we know, addiction to ANYTHING is deadly.  Over time, my chaotic living began to settle just a little bit at a time and I began to see that there was another world beyond my obsession and it was going on without me!  Music, movies, reading for enjoyment (not denial), art fairs and theater.  My world began to open up as I learned to no longer be consumed by the addictive behavior in Cliff's life and in my own.   If you are new to the world of recovery, come on in!   But learn as quickly as you can to be educated and pro-active but not consumed by all things recovery.  That's just as unhealthy as enabling and codependency. 

What's on your bookshelf?   What are your interests?  If you're stuck in a rut due to mind numbing living, ask your friends to suggest something light and easy.  Take the time to sit under a shade tree and listen to something that you can sing along with. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with a younger child or grandchild. Expand your horizons!

Step out of the ash heap and smile because staying in it won't change the ones you love.  You may as well make yourself lovable and remove the frown that the whole wide world sees you wearing.  

You are only promised today. Be set free and read! 

Keep Moving Forward

So, it's been a while. A long while. I've thought of landing here so often in the last few months and have cleverly written such witty repartee in my thoughts that someone, somewhere would be applauding me and asking for more. Sigh.  

Life stands still for no one.  I'm not saying anything new or clever here, just a blatant reminder that if my blog is a priority for me as it once was,  I have to come by, sit down and share.  I make a lot of excuses since I'm on a sales desk all day long and sometimes those days become 9 and 10 hour days at a computer, on a phone or replying to the zillionth email.  Still, as important as this topic is for me I need to visit here more often.  This exercise has a way of sorting out  my thoughts; positive or negative and letting me sift through to separate the truth from fiction.  I have so much to share...it's hard to begin because I'd have to go back. Way back. 

I'll just begin with the last few months and move on.  I haven't mentioned Cliff in a very long time.  As I went to a few graduation parties this summer, and missed some graduation parties this summer, I thought to myself that Cliff had a bit of a graduation in his life, too.  The road to recovery is a long and never ending process, really, because we are changing month by month, day by day, minute by minute if we're willing. But sometimes it's not just addiction and all the behaviors that come with that life style that stall us from accomplishing our goals. Sometimes it's our own personality that's formed and developed or never matured that keeps us in a muddy place.  I, for one, often have to stifle a "who said?" or my eternal favorite "you're not the boss of me" comment.  I see and hear that behavior sometimes reflected in my offspring.  Gosh, I was hoping they would have picked up something better from me. 

Back to Cliff.  At long last, 8 years I think since he's used, Cliff has secured a real job as a permanent employee and for the first time is on a payroll with real benefits.  It was a graduation of sorts that came through some tough knocks and some unwise choices.  It also came with words that we all want to hear 'We'd like you to come and work for us permanently. You need us and we need you.'  Who wouldn't want to receive those words?  It won't be long before Cliff will be entirely on his own again, but in a far better way.  This time he's all grown up with a license and a car and something solid under his feet for employment.  It didn't come quickly nor easily but it came right on time - when he was ready. 

And sometimes the family members take a long road to recovery too, and when the dust settles they might find themselves pursuing the very thing that seemed to allude them for so long.  I am returning to school next month. I'm hoping to segue into a new career that will allow me to work according to my time frame, and not punch a clock anymore. This new goal should allow me to supplement my retirement when I get to cross that threshold.  My long term goal is to be a therapist for women and families in crisis mode. I lived there so long, it's my arena of comfort.  That could be good or bad, but I believe it's good. Wisdom comes through pain and we all love to talk to someone who's walked in our shoes. Wisdom also comes from slowly and methodically doing the right thing even if that means to stand and wait.  That took me a very long time to learn.  

I'm excited for the future for both of us.  It looks like we finally came to a place where we can retreat to our neutral corners, come to the middle and shake hands.  It feels good and I am blessed. 

I'll be back soon, I promise.