Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

Aging with grace?

And, just like that I’m a white-haired red head!  This coming of age started several years back, probably 10 years or so, when I realized that my hair simply wasn’t growing like it used to anymore.  And without going into all the gory details, this loss is due to a hormonal imbalance between my next to nothing thyroid and my missing reproductive paraphernalia.  Aging at best.

I was very vain regarding my hair color.  I’d grown up a redhead when red hair wasn’t always the desired color. In fact, it was the outwardly rejected and repulsed color as taunts and teasing would testify, yet inwardly it was the color envied by most. As I began to battle the thinning and losing of my hair I clung to the color of my youth because it was the one thing that caused me to stand out among the crowd and caused others to usually always remember me.  Since I paid the price as a battle warrior (think Disney’s Merida) I was now going to wear my earned crown with pleasure into my adult years of life.

But the aging process began to win. My hair began to thin, and I began to fret.  What now were my options? Should I try a hair transplant?  I had toyed inwardly with this idea for YEARS and then my father brought it up and mentioned he would “help” me if I wanted to investigate it.  I began to realize that since he brought it up, my hair loss was much more noticeable than others tried to make me believe.  My hair stylist said that those she knew who had tried transplants were disappointed over time with the results. Well then, what about wigs?  I visited a salon some years ago and the wig master working the floor stated that I would have to wear full coverage wigs as I didn’t have enough hair to support partial pieces. That was a let down because I just wasn’t ready to wear a full coverage wig. Yet, I kept perusing the many wig catalogs and would order one, try it on, freak out and send it back. Time and again I tried to find my comfort zone against a battle that I wasn't winning.

A few more years went by and I began toying with the wig options again because they were affordable, and the quality and styles improved immensely!  A good friend put me in touch with another woman near my age who opted to begin wearing wigs full-time and looked beautiful in them! So, with a vote of confidence and assistance in trying wigs on, I ordered a few new wigs again all in the color of my youth. But in order to wear them comfortably and without added “heat” to the scalp, I had my hair shaved like a 1950’s buzz cut.  This was a huge step and transformation for me!  I wore the wigs faithfully for a short while, but as soon as I would come home not only did I get my lounging clothes on, but the wig would come off in one fell swoop. The current heat wave prompted my life-change rapidly and without a second thought.  It was super freeing to not have to mess with anything on top of my head!

Slowly I began to get accustomed to the look of my head with such short and blaring white hair! I could hardly believe how white I was and yet I couldn’t look away!   I thought it was pretty, but I didn’t dare leave the wigs off just yet.  How would visiting vendors respond when coming into the office? How about meeting others for the first time or simply going out to eat or church or grocery shopping?  I put an announcement out on FB, declaring to the world of the routes I was taking and backed it up with photos, but also with a disclaimer that this was purely for comfort reasons and not for any impending health reason.  Like a cloak of many colors you’re bound to find me in an array of changes on top of my head. Would I be sporting a colorful red-haired wig or a white-haired buzz? Perhaps a stylish Fedora or head scarf?  One will never know how I might arrive!

Oh, and also as a testimony to aging with confidence, I don’t wear any Spanx! 😜

"I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"  Isaiah 46:4 

Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

You tube and picture googled

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

Addicted Me

The older I get the more I realize that I have an addictive personality of  my own. A few years back Cliff and I were driving home from the store when he spied a bag in the backseat holding a new box of  Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Roll Ups. "Mom,"  he said, "why are you buying those? They can't be good for your sugar."  Usually quite defensive of anyone pointing out my food choices, I reluctantly replied that they just called out to me.  He paused and said without judgment, "I know what you mean. Heroin used to call out to me, too."  Ugh.

When I was in high school, heroin was the rich man's drug but pot and other substances could be found everywhere, including my high school vestibule.  But I was afraid of drugs in any form.  In 1972 I knew of several people who died from drug usage and that was enough for me. Though pot didn't claim those statistics, I was afraid of anything that would alter my  mind and self-control.  I'm so thankful that even without knowing it or knowing God that well, that He gave me a strong sense of 'no' in that particular arena.  He was protecting me and for once I didn't throw all caution to the wind and jump the line. 

Why then, am I now facing my own refusal to acknowledge my need for removal of other forms of substance abuse?  Sugar is my "thang".  I clearly remember being at my cousin Leslie Hamp's 5th birthday party and parking myself right at the corner of the picnic table where a bowl of  M&M's sat unsupervised, calling out to me. All the other party attenders were off playing some games and I wanted no part of that. I was in my own little chocolate heaven until my aunt shooed me away. Ugh. 

Still being a sugar person you'd think by 57-3/4 years old I would have won this battle. Not so. And even with all the issues of diabetes I have, it would make sense to everyone around me to just simply walk away. It isn't that simple as many of you can relate with life hazards of your own that you've yet to kick.  This process always reminds me of the Scripture verse in the book of Romans when Paul says "Why do I do the things I hate?"  Ugh. 

I'm reminded that my life didn't exist simply to raise Son #1 and Cliff. Somehow I saw myself as being their life director and trying to intervene where only God could reach them. In so doing, I continued for many years to ignore God when He was trying to reach me and was beckoning me to look Him square in the face, so to speak, and hear what He has for me.  Love, acceptance, intimacy, goodness, blessing, peace, order, freedom, and unsurpassed joy.  All these things await me as I continue to step fully into the life He has planned for me, which includes well-being and good health. 

As I continue to relinquish my ways and my unneeded help for those I love, it frees me up to connect with myself in a healthy way. Today, I will choose to take care of me, my health and my home all in the freedom of surrendering to His magnificent way.  From despair to hope, I've been set free. At times I feel like I'm just starting again down this path and that's the beauty of 12 Steps and a loving God.  He is always holding out His righteous right hand to start anew and you can practice the 12 Steps over and over and over again. 

Peace. 

Picture from google

What Kind of Boat?

Working hard to be set free from the past that tries to entangle me and keep me from soaring sounds so simple but it's very hard work. There are days I feel as if my feet are stuck in a pool of molasses. As the New Year approached, I determined that this year is going to be very different from the last 55. Or at least the last 30'ish adult years of my life.

That being said, I'm currently enrolled in a teleseminar hosted by a life coach to help me get unstuck. The 12 steps and my faith walk are helping me become unstuck, as I can testify to the changed woman I am from two years ago, but I want to move out onto dreams that are mine to live and are attainable for me. Getting from A to B though, is tricky at times. I determined that this year I will:

• De-clutter (not only my spaces but my calendar)
• Make healthier choices
• Write more for a purpose

Today I had to meet with a dietitian and a diabetes counselor. Yay. I've been battling Type 2 diabetes for a number of years now, and the army surrounds me with weapons aimed and I'm alone in my defense. I've managed my mental and physical health poorly for years as I chased after an addict while he chased after his addiction. So today, my addict and I went to visit with the two professionals to review and see what changes I can make to rid myself of some of the pitfalls of diabetes. I must say that it was nice to have my addict care about me and support me this way. What a life change for both of us. Anyway, after meeting with the pros I've reached a life plan that's manageable and I can begin today. Small changes are impending with great big results looming. :)

Tonight was our first teleseminar conference call and the coach threw out several questions, such as what is your mindful intention this year, or what one word or theme will guide you through the next 90 days. The question I liked was "If you were in a boat, what kind of boat would you be in?" As other attendees answered the question of their choice a visual came to mind about me and my boat. Forgive my descriptions as I don't really know boats except that they keep me out of the deep water, and since I'm not a good swimmer, the boat is my friend.

First, I pictured myself sitting in the bottom of a flat bottomed, deep sided, row boat of sorts. I'm sitting in the middle on the bottom and my arms are over my head as I'm reaching up to grasp onto each side of the boat. Imagine Lily Tomlin when she was Edith Ann. The chair consumed her and so does my boat. It keeps me safe inside and away from all that I fear about deep water. This visual, I think, describes me as I WAS.

Quickly though and more accurately for the present I saw myself as Bill Murray in "What About Bob?", one of my very favorite movies. Bob decided to take the challenge one day and learn to sail. Suddenly you see him strapped safely to the front of the boat, with his life jacket secured. Bob's arms are stretched wide open and the wind is rushing against him and he calls out "I'm Sailing! I Sail! Look at me, I'm a sailor!"

And that's going to be me this year. Sailing with safety straps, as I've learned through recovery to not throw every caution to the wind and just jump.....

But watch me soar!

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.
Isaiah 40:31

Sooner or Later...

"Sooner or Later we give up all hope of having a better yesterday."

As soon as I walked into the "family" meeting at a nearby hospital where one of my beloved sons was being treated for addiction, the above statement written on the blackboard quickly caught my eye.

It took hold of my thoughts and sort of shook me hard. A reality check to be sure. Nothing I said, nothing I did would change the past and give me better memories or stories to share. It also helped me quit thinking "If only I" or sing the old familiar tune called "Coulda, woulda, shoulda".

I always found this a difficult balance though. Misunderstanding the guidelines of faith, I often found myself climbing back onto the horse of guilt and trying to balance all the saddle bags that came with it.

It's only when I put everything at the foot of the cross and let God completely control my life, am I capable of leaving the past in the past and to learn from it. Only then can I grasp that having a better yesterday is never going to happen and it's okay. It's only when I remember that what happens in anyone else's lives, including mine and my sons, is between God and the person. It's not for me to control, manage or vary. Reshaping everyone else's life isn't in my job desription.

The above statement keeps my life in check. With that, the following verse completes it:

"But I do one thing. I forget everything that is behind me and look forward to that which is ahead of me."

Phil 3:13 NLV