The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

gustavofrazao - Fotolia

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

The 3C's

A few weeks ago, just as the new year was beginning, two dear friends of mine got the confirmation of what they each suspected. Their sons were active in addiction again; the timing was crazy since these two families don't interact. The anxious texts and calls were frequent and though I've been down this path for years now, I found myself frustrated that I didn't have "the answer" to give my friends.  And I know deep in my heart I don't have the answer for them. It took me a long time to learn that there isn't one answer that fits all.  And in fact, just as I had to learn to walk through the devastating pain of a loved one's addiction, I knew and they knew they had to process through the mess again.  These friends are recovery savvy.  They know these programs inside and out.  But still, when it's someone you love getting the news is like hitting a brick wall with your face and instantly the inability to swallow comes back.  The only difference this time around is that we've learned more quickly how to go to the source of peace.  We acknowledge much faster that we are powerless over others and their choices. And we realize we have to call out for a meeting and to surround ourselves with real, live people that will help support us through the days that are hard.  

When my friend said "I can't believe I'm here again, how did I miss the signs?"  it got me thinking about my own walk with recovery and Cliff.  Have I been lulled into a complacent place in life that I would miss the signs of returned drug activity?  Would I live in the pig pen named denial again before I would acknowledge the action?  

So, that led me to search out a meeting for me.  In all the years I've been working this out, I have always gone to Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery meetings.  I had never visited a Nar-Anon group though I thought about it many times.  These meetings certainly fit the profile of my life much more than Al-Anon, but they aren't as readily available as Al-Anon.  Or at least they weren't 10 years ago.  Nar-Anon is becoming a bigger group now and I was happy to find one less than 5 miles from my house.  I went last night and was glad I did.  The group size was larger than anticipated since many of the "family" meetings can be quite small.  Others were new last night, too.  One young woman had never attended a support group at all.  As I listened to each person around the table, I realized how thankful I am to God for the Steps and the program I have worked. I could recall with some who were still in such grave pain what confusion and pain that place was, and  connect with others like me who have found their balance in life and were able to share without hurting. Too much. 

How easily we can be roped into a different line of thinking if we're not careful.  Many who live in addiction/alcoholic lifestyles love to place blame on anyone else but themselves.  And so as a reminder to the newbies and myself, I mentioned the 3C's of recovery. The 3C's can help and if you need to do this daily, say the following out loud. Write it on your bathroom mirror or post it on your desk at work.  "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it". And then say it again until you believe it and know that it's true.  

It looks like I'll be dropping in on this meeting regularly, I do believe. It felt good to be in a different place spiritually, emotionally and mentally and hopefully I will bring hope to those around me, if they need it. 

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

The Art of Saying No

Happy Spring!

Recently, I was asked to put my words on paper regarding Enabling for Florida Beach Rehab.  The Art of Saying No was birthed. 

Here are the results for your reading pleasure:

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/the-art-of-saying-no/

Be encouraged today!

One Day at A Time

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

In the solitude of my car yesterday, I was going through the years of recovery for me and for Cliff.  I recalled how I felt when I first began attending meetings with regularity. I couldn't handle the pain well and that's when I began to write. I needed an outlet somewhere but didn't know what to do. 

At first, I went to meetings like most parents do, desperate for someone to tell me how to save my son. How to stop the madness and chaos and I was desperate to understand why anyone would put something into their bodies so seriously unhealthy and dangerous that each time they handled a needle it was like playing Russian roulette. What hurt my son so much that we couldn't talk about it and get to the bottom of it?  

I didn't believe that I had to go to these meetings for me. "Don't you get it??" I shouted silently "I don't have the addiction. My son is going to die in some house in Detroit or Highland Park and no one will be able to tell me. They don't know me, they don't know how to reach me!? He's only 18, he's only 19, he's only 23"....and so it went day after day, month after month, year after year.  After attending meetings weekly for several months, the scales on my eyes began to loosen and fall away, a little at a time.   And still, the boundaries and denial played tricks on me. I needed to face the facts in order for some of "it" to stick and stay and allow me to pick through it and digest what I could, when I could. Like a heaping Thanksgiving dinner plate while fighting off a flu bug, I worked through the steps of recovery. 

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado.  I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance.  To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will. 

Driving to my meeting yesterday I remembered that one of the things I used to say and wrote about early in the beginning of this blog, was "if you had a child with a terminal illness you would do anything you could to save his life." So that's what I did.  But the difference is that a terminal illness randomly comes onto someone unexpectedly and they are then dependent upon the medical field and a miracle from God in heaven, to be healed. They are subject to this test and that exam to figure out the best way to treat their invasive life-robbing disease and sadly, sometimes there isn't any cure. The terminally ill person is facing a giant to which they no longer have the slingshot and stone that will take it down. 

Now the addict may also randomly find himself addicted when they take that first step to try something risky.  Suddenly their illness takes hold and directs their life choices.  They too, can put themselves into the medical fields hands for healing but the difference is they can be healed if they simply take a step to help themselves.  They do not have to face a death sentence unless they choose to.  It's a simple change that they have to choose for themselves. No one can hand it to them. They have to pick it up and walk to the next step, inch by inch, but they can be healed.  The key is in their hands. 

So all this to say, it's taken me a long time in these meetings to come to this "aha" moment of letting this part go.  Life choices for someone at 18 are different than someone at 25 and then again at 30. Cliff is now 7 years clean, and I am 8 years on a path of life-changing choices for me that free from all the garbage that I simply used to kick from room to room and try to make sense in my thinking.    

Hang in there. Your "aha" will come to you at sometime in your recovery walk as well. And then another "aha" will come along when you are ready for the next bite.   

Just keep taking life one day at a time. God will guide you. He promised. 

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most perfect day I could have asked for.  No, it wasn't filled with parties, presents and activity.  It wasn't about some fabulous food or award winning cake.  The location wasn't lavish.  But it was perfect. 

My day began having breakfast with someone I dearly love.  We talked of many things, who we love and spoke of dreams.  I used to ride this person on my handlebars and still carry the guilt of the time I stopped too quickly and she went tumbling down on the cement. Sorry, Mary!  I'll have to work on that bad feeling another time. This post is about me and my perfect birthday! :)   

Breakfast was followed by a meeting with some other women I love regarding our recovery from co-dependency.  We come together to cheer each other on to the next step of living life in a loving, detached manner.  Agreeing that there is a fine line to still being a parent whose opinion matters compared to a parent who sees what's coming and tries to intercept. Oops!  

Following that, I drove with Cliff to Son #1's house and shared the day with Lovely Espousa, and the two mini's who are growing by leaps and bounds.   From the moment I entered their home till I tucked myself in bed at night, my heart was overflowing with gratitude and love.  It wasn't always this way. 

As a family who has walked the path of addiction, alcohol and all the other yuck that comes with a chaotic lifestyle,  this little family has sparred often as we tried to figure out our roles and place in this mix.  But God, being a merciful and loving Higher Power, Creator, Healer, Counselor and Protector, has taken this family's mess and one step at a time, has brushed us off, put salve on our wounds and moved us inch by inch into a better life.  

Our lives were probably very typical of a family in the throws of high risk living.  That chaos crept in so quietly however that it slowly became the norm, at least for me. So much so, that I didn't always see how skewed I was in my thinking. As I reflect back on the past six to seven years, I am amazed at where we are today and just how much God has moved through our lives individually and collectively calling each of us to our healthy place in the mix. 

Way back when, I couldn't see or imagine this peace in my life within the realm of my little family. In fact, I was sure the writing on the wall would always be the same negative, unhealthy message.  Yesterday was a snapshot of all that has changed and a glimpse of more to come for a family that has loved each other through thick and thin.  We haven't always liked each other much, but that's part and parcel of what's made healing all the better.  

My birthday was covered with love from start to finish. Small rumbles of conversation, children's voices and the scent of a homey meal filled the day.  May this memory burn in deeply and continue to push out the old tainted residue that no longer has a place in my life. 

It was a perfect day.  

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning was full of questions for myself regarding my commitment to meetings for family support through this crazy, chaotic world of loving our addicts.  I wonder if this is what I should be doing or if it's really worth the time I am investing to be available for those who hurt. Then I remember that this is just as much for me as it is for those who choose to attend.  

Today we reviewed a little portion from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.  If you have not invested time in reading this book, run to your nearest library, used bookstore or Hazelden.org and get yourself a copy of what could change your codependent life.  Truthfully, we are all codependent in some form or another. But sometimes through childhood years, unhealthy friendship/relationships, addiction or alcohol abuse, we find ourselves in full blown illness.  But, just as people are unwilling to recognize addiction as an illness,  we surely aren't going to give room for codependency as an illness. The author refers to a statement by Earnie Larsen  "If you defined your problem as living with an alcoholic, you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.  That may be partially correct.  But our real problems are codependents are our own characteristics - our codependent behaviors."  Well now, isn't that an awakening?  It was for me. 

When I first began attending meetings six years ago, a recovering alcoholic pointed an accusatory finger at me and said "you have doormat stamped across your forehead"...and laughed.  Stick it, pal, I wanted to say. Not very Christian like I know, but I thought to myself because I didn't have the courage to speak, you have no idea how close the line really is from being a good mom to being an enabler,  It can be a baffling place when you are fully in the world of  denial, controlling, anger and a myriad of other emotions that try to direct your life of secrets.  Oh, thank You Lord, that I am on the healing side of that horrid place.

Today, I listened to another parent and her adult daughter talk about taking those first steps of setting themselves free.  Some boundaries were being outlined and slowly this nearly 70 year old mother is beginning to see that her life is not about taking care of her out of control addict. That God created her for a purpose of her own and His plan for her is good.  She's tired and her addict exhausts her. As with most addicts, this one is diagnosed with a bunch of mental illness issues.  Every other parent there nodded in understanding as she talked about how hard it is to watch her neurotic son  load up on the pills they want him to take.  She hardly knows him.  Yet, a month ago when he was admitted to the hospital for some very paranoid behaviors and they took him off all prescribed meds for evaluation, this mom said, "I had a glimpse of my son again."  Three days later he was on all his pills again because his case manager lets the addict tell her what he needs.  It's a crazy thing.  

In the state of Michigan, you can tell the social programs that are "helping you" that you aren't using needle drugs or methamphetamine and they don't necessarily test you.  You are then added to the program and psychiatrists/psychologists will prescribe all kinds of anti-depressants, anxiety or any other type of drug they think you need or you think you need.  They will practically let you call your own medical plan into action.  And because of HIPPA, the family does not have to be included or consulted.  So drug addicts with crazy behavior can work the people and not have to work a program and the family tries to deal with crazy. No wonder we become control freaks. 

The medical field has very little addiction education in their years of preparing for their medical license.  Last I heard, the average medical doctor spends 8 classroom hours on addiction.  How in the world are we going to reduce the number of addicts in our society when all the medical field wants to do is load them up with "legal" drugs?? It's a nightmare. 

Thankfully, through the steps of recovery we learn to step back and not try to fix this or control it.  Our beloved addicts have to want this life change and we are learning to stand back and say "yay" when they take the steps necessary to change their lives into healthy chemical free living.  

And now the best part of this chapter closed with this:

Recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us (*codependents) have been living with.   Recovery is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple.  

It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. 

Each person is responsible for him - or herself.  

It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to : taking care of ourselves. 

I promise you this.  You will be changed and your relationships will be changed when you embrace this truth!!

Think First!

Through the years, my words have been in training.

My dearly departed mother was a strong-willed gal who spoke her mind often. She believed in giving her opinion often without an invitation. She may have been right most of the time, but as you know, this opinion giving is usually not appreciated.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree so my words, as previously stated, have been in training. More specifically, my brain to mouth syntax. I'm of the opinion, due to many previous word wounds, that what I'm thinking doesn't have to be shared. The truth must be spoken, but not just because I know the facts. Reading the scriptures for years has been driving this point home and at times I go along willingly. Other times, the redhead living in my skin bucks the system so, 99.9% of the time when I do buck the system I end up eating my words and/or regretting them.

Yesterday's "Courage to Change" talked about thinking before speaking even when I'm right about something being discussed. If I haven't been invited to join a conversation, or if I hear something that could be repeated as gossip, I need to be quiet. Keeping a matter to myself doesn't make me deceitful or a liar because I didn't share what I know especially if I haven't been asked or it isn't my information to give. This discipline makes me truthworthy and discerning. Learning to think before I speak has not been without pain, but it's been worth the result.

With that, the Bible says:

"Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don't miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."

Col 4:5-6 The Message

I like that goal and aim to practice it daily ~ Have a great Friday!