Vertigo or Chaos?

Growth is painful. Change is painful. 

But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck 

where you do not belong. 

N. R. Narayana Murthy

There is no intent to sound insensitive, but sometimes the tragedy isn't in the death, but in the loyalty of the walking dead who remained to the end trying to find the answers that would bring relief from this life of ruin.  The chaos of addiction is almost like vertigo, or Chucky, as I often called it.  You remember Chucky, don't you?  Chucky is the frightening, fictional character who made his movie debut in 1988 and has recently made a comeback in the Child's Play movie.  Well, in my house Chucky was hiding under the bed, in the closet and down in the basement.  And just when I thought things were settling down and Cliff would have a week free of using, we would both begin to breathe just a little bit easier.  The air would become lighter, the sound of laughter would begin to waft through the breeze and eyes would be clearer as the gaze became engaging. 

Until the next relapse.   

Then, just like that and out of the blue, Chucky would reach out and grab me by my ankles spinning me around and around and then let go of me. I'd soar through the air, my limbs flailing and finally, with a ferociously hard landing, I'd end up in a heap as if someone had just knocked me over my head into unconsciousness.

Like vertigo that comes along at the most unsuspecting moment, chaos comes along again and again for those families stuck in addiction.  Most of us continue in this cycle of chaos, wringing our hands, crying buckets of tears, and trying to figure out what WE did to bring this on.  It took me riding this ride at least a million times before I shouted enough!  Even then, just like exiting the Tilt-a-Whirl, my gait was skewed and my path was wobbly because I was still trying to get my sea-legs back using my own ideas and plans. Regularly, you could hear the hamster wheel echoing through the night as I continued to do the same things over and over feeling certain that this time my words would make a difference.  Staying stuck where we don't belong is a thief that gags us, binds us and speaks lies into our thinking.  

Somewhere along the way, months after attending meetings, the cobwebs began to clear and my vision was focusing on my own well-being. I had given away the value of who I was in an effort to pour value into Cliff as a desperate attempt for him to know how much he mattered and was loved.  The problem was, I didn't see my own worth or value and kept throwing myself in front of the moving bus hoping that this slow death would end and we could live happily ever after.  Put on the rose-colored glasses.  

I can't stress enough how important it is to find an accountability partner, mentor or sponsor who can help you see the reality until your eyes are clear.  It takes work because just like your addict won't hear your words, you won't hear others until you begin to read, pray, ask and believe that the life you are living today is not your life-sentence.

Step 1 (admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable) is the hardest but the first step toward your life change. Truly, there is something much better than this awaiting you. 

Your Creator made you for so much more, this I know. 

The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

gustavofrazao - Fotolia

Aging with grace?

And, just like that I’m a white-haired red head!  This coming of age started several years back, probably 10 years or so, when I realized that my hair simply wasn’t growing like it used to anymore.  And without going into all the gory details, this loss is due to a hormonal imbalance between my next to nothing thyroid and my missing reproductive paraphernalia.  Aging at best.

I was very vain regarding my hair color.  I’d grown up a redhead when red hair wasn’t always the desired color. In fact, it was the outwardly rejected and repulsed color as taunts and teasing would testify, yet inwardly it was the color envied by most. As I began to battle the thinning and losing of my hair I clung to the color of my youth because it was the one thing that caused me to stand out among the crowd and caused others to usually always remember me.  Since I paid the price as a battle warrior (think Disney’s Merida) I was now going to wear my earned crown with pleasure into my adult years of life.

But the aging process began to win. My hair began to thin, and I began to fret.  What now were my options? Should I try a hair transplant?  I had toyed inwardly with this idea for YEARS and then my father brought it up and mentioned he would “help” me if I wanted to investigate it.  I began to realize that since he brought it up, my hair loss was much more noticeable than others tried to make me believe.  My hair stylist said that those she knew who had tried transplants were disappointed over time with the results. Well then, what about wigs?  I visited a salon some years ago and the wig master working the floor stated that I would have to wear full coverage wigs as I didn’t have enough hair to support partial pieces. That was a let down because I just wasn’t ready to wear a full coverage wig. Yet, I kept perusing the many wig catalogs and would order one, try it on, freak out and send it back. Time and again I tried to find my comfort zone against a battle that I wasn't winning.

A few more years went by and I began toying with the wig options again because they were affordable, and the quality and styles improved immensely!  A good friend put me in touch with another woman near my age who opted to begin wearing wigs full-time and looked beautiful in them! So, with a vote of confidence and assistance in trying wigs on, I ordered a few new wigs again all in the color of my youth. But in order to wear them comfortably and without added “heat” to the scalp, I had my hair shaved like a 1950’s buzz cut.  This was a huge step and transformation for me!  I wore the wigs faithfully for a short while, but as soon as I would come home not only did I get my lounging clothes on, but the wig would come off in one fell swoop. The current heat wave prompted my life-change rapidly and without a second thought.  It was super freeing to not have to mess with anything on top of my head!

Slowly I began to get accustomed to the look of my head with such short and blaring white hair! I could hardly believe how white I was and yet I couldn’t look away!   I thought it was pretty, but I didn’t dare leave the wigs off just yet.  How would visiting vendors respond when coming into the office? How about meeting others for the first time or simply going out to eat or church or grocery shopping?  I put an announcement out on FB, declaring to the world of the routes I was taking and backed it up with photos, but also with a disclaimer that this was purely for comfort reasons and not for any impending health reason.  Like a cloak of many colors you’re bound to find me in an array of changes on top of my head. Would I be sporting a colorful red-haired wig or a white-haired buzz? Perhaps a stylish Fedora or head scarf?  One will never know how I might arrive!

Oh, and also as a testimony to aging with confidence, I don’t wear any Spanx! 😜

"I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"  Isaiah 46:4 

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning was full of questions for myself regarding my commitment to meetings for family support through this crazy, chaotic world of loving our addicts.  I wonder if this is what I should be doing or if it's really worth the time I am investing to be available for those who hurt. Then I remember that this is just as much for me as it is for those who choose to attend.  

Today we reviewed a little portion from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.  If you have not invested time in reading this book, run to your nearest library, used bookstore or Hazelden.org and get yourself a copy of what could change your codependent life.  Truthfully, we are all codependent in some form or another. But sometimes through childhood years, unhealthy friendship/relationships, addiction or alcohol abuse, we find ourselves in full blown illness.  But, just as people are unwilling to recognize addiction as an illness,  we surely aren't going to give room for codependency as an illness. The author refers to a statement by Earnie Larsen  "If you defined your problem as living with an alcoholic, you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.  That may be partially correct.  But our real problems are codependents are our own characteristics - our codependent behaviors."  Well now, isn't that an awakening?  It was for me. 

When I first began attending meetings six years ago, a recovering alcoholic pointed an accusatory finger at me and said "you have doormat stamped across your forehead"...and laughed.  Stick it, pal, I wanted to say. Not very Christian like I know, but I thought to myself because I didn't have the courage to speak, you have no idea how close the line really is from being a good mom to being an enabler,  It can be a baffling place when you are fully in the world of  denial, controlling, anger and a myriad of other emotions that try to direct your life of secrets.  Oh, thank You Lord, that I am on the healing side of that horrid place.

Today, I listened to another parent and her adult daughter talk about taking those first steps of setting themselves free.  Some boundaries were being outlined and slowly this nearly 70 year old mother is beginning to see that her life is not about taking care of her out of control addict. That God created her for a purpose of her own and His plan for her is good.  She's tired and her addict exhausts her. As with most addicts, this one is diagnosed with a bunch of mental illness issues.  Every other parent there nodded in understanding as she talked about how hard it is to watch her neurotic son  load up on the pills they want him to take.  She hardly knows him.  Yet, a month ago when he was admitted to the hospital for some very paranoid behaviors and they took him off all prescribed meds for evaluation, this mom said, "I had a glimpse of my son again."  Three days later he was on all his pills again because his case manager lets the addict tell her what he needs.  It's a crazy thing.  

In the state of Michigan, you can tell the social programs that are "helping you" that you aren't using needle drugs or methamphetamine and they don't necessarily test you.  You are then added to the program and psychiatrists/psychologists will prescribe all kinds of anti-depressants, anxiety or any other type of drug they think you need or you think you need.  They will practically let you call your own medical plan into action.  And because of HIPPA, the family does not have to be included or consulted.  So drug addicts with crazy behavior can work the people and not have to work a program and the family tries to deal with crazy. No wonder we become control freaks. 

The medical field has very little addiction education in their years of preparing for their medical license.  Last I heard, the average medical doctor spends 8 classroom hours on addiction.  How in the world are we going to reduce the number of addicts in our society when all the medical field wants to do is load them up with "legal" drugs?? It's a nightmare. 

Thankfully, through the steps of recovery we learn to step back and not try to fix this or control it.  Our beloved addicts have to want this life change and we are learning to stand back and say "yay" when they take the steps necessary to change their lives into healthy chemical free living.  

And now the best part of this chapter closed with this:

Recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us (*codependents) have been living with.   Recovery is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple.  

It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. 

Each person is responsible for him - or herself.  

It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to : taking care of ourselves. 

I promise you this.  You will be changed and your relationships will be changed when you embrace this truth!!

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!   

Launching....

...into the new year has been an amazing feeling. Compared to last year or years gone by it stands alone, proud and strong. It's really a gift that Cliff and I have each found our serenity through recovery at the same time in life. This was not orchestrated by me, but by the One who loves me unconditionally.

As the new year approached, I met with a few different women who mentor me in life; though different in our relationships they have each challenged me to work on my goal setting for 2009 and have each pointed out my strengths in an almost identical pattern. Neither one knew what the other was suggesting, yet both almost line up with each other as if they planned this path for me.

I've never really done well at goal setting. In years gone by, I thought about my goals a lot but they felt like lofty dreams ~ silly stuff, so to speak. I wanted so many things for myself but really didn't know how to get from here to there without a lot of work and change that seemed like impossible tasks. Being pulled and stuck in a chaotic way of life and thinking prohibited me from seeing through the muck to the other side. As the years continued to go by I simply began to feel that I'd missed my chance. That God would move onto the next person in fulfilling their vision, goal or dream as if He would grant our wishes with a magic wand. Now, I knew better than that. I knew God didn't perform magic tricks yet I seemed to "wish" my life away as I continued to live in that "never, never happen-land" where I wandered for years.

But this year is different. I feel it in my bones. I hear it in my thoughts and I hear it from others who are encouraging me and affirming that this isn't a lofty dream. I see it in my future in one form or another as God's giving me the ability to sit down and write out my goals with reasonable steps to reach them. Best of all, He literally dropped me into recovery meetings and gave me the 12 steps that have brought the serenity into my life to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

He isn't finished with me yet. Not by a long shot.

*All Pics Googled*

Keep Coming Back!

At our table last night, we had a newcomer. Look at me, talking about newcomers! Having been in recovery for one year now has changed my life and I'm willing to share that with anyone who allows me the opportunity.

The table decided to do a Step One table for the benefit of Ms. Newbie's first time at an Al-Anon meeting. As different members took their turn to speak, Ms. Newbie listened and seemed to be trying to absorb all that was being said. The underlying theme was to "keep coming back". All the while I tried to stay completely focused but must admit that my mind went back in time to different seasons of my life when I tried Al-Anon without success. I was so desperate to make a connection and get some healing but nothing came to me at the time. Caring attenders would say, "try another group", but I guess I wasn't ready.

When it was my turn to share, I recalled how much sanity had been restored to my life this past year and that I didn't realize just how crazy my thinking had become. Flashback to trying to out think Cliff the junkie. That's like trying to out think a terrorist. If you aren't a junkie or a terrorist, which in my mind can be interchangeable, how can you possibly out think them and try to determine their next step? I approached things as if I were John Wayne and that my posse of three, (me, myself and I) was going to head him off at the next pass and stop the insanity. Oh, Thank You Lord for clearing my head!! Woo Hoo!!

Finally when Ms. Newbie spoke up she said, "I get the feeling that I'm not going to get my answers to my questions from this table tonight. For instance, if my son who's an alcoholic says he wants to borrow my car to go to a meeting and then instead takes it to buy alcohol, what do I do? Is there someone who will tell me the guidelines or do I just listen to everyone else and something will come to me?"

Most of the longtimers had "all-knowing" smiles on their faces and said "keep coming back. Get a sponsor and you will find through time and daily meditations in your books how to find your answers. Pay attention to the longtimers who you will see here regularly and you can ask one of them to be your sponsor." One of the longtimers at my table must be in her upper 70's and I just love sitting near her and hearing what she has to say. Her Courage to Change book is well worn and falling apart. I so appreciate all the regular attendees that come and give reassuring words, smiles and hugs that all will be better than it is at this moment.

It felt so good to have one year behind me and I'm looking forward to two, three, four and more years ahead of me. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Living a Twelve Step way of life is just plain good living. I'm so grateful to God that several years after my first time, He led me back again and I just "keep coming back!"

Happy Saturday!