Growth is painful. Change is painful.
But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck
where you do not belong.
N. R. Narayana Murthy
There is no intent to sound insensitive, but sometimes the tragedy isn't in the death, but in the loyalty of the walking dead who remained to the end trying to find the answers that would bring relief from this life of ruin. The chaos of addiction is almost like vertigo, or Chucky, as I often called it. You remember Chucky, don't you? Chucky is the frightening, fictional character who made his movie debut in 1988 and has recently made a comeback in the Child's Play movie. Well, in my house Chucky was hiding under the bed, in the closet and down in the basement. And just when I thought things were settling down and Cliff would have a week free of using, we would both begin to breathe just a little bit easier. The air would become lighter, the sound of laughter would begin to waft through the breeze and eyes would be clearer as the gaze became engaging.
Until the next relapse.
Then, just like that and out of the blue, Chucky would reach out and grab me by my ankles spinning me around and around and then let go of me. I'd soar through the air, my limbs flailing and finally, with a ferociously hard landing, I'd end up in a heap as if someone had just knocked me over my head into unconsciousness.
Like vertigo that comes along at the most unsuspecting moment, chaos comes along again and again for those families stuck in addiction. Most of us continue in this cycle of chaos, wringing our hands, crying buckets of tears, and trying to figure out what WE did to bring this on. It took me riding this ride at least a million times before I shouted enough! Even then, just like exiting the Tilt-a-Whirl, my gait was skewed and my path was wobbly because I was still trying to get my sea-legs back using my own ideas and plans. Regularly, you could hear the hamster wheel echoing through the night as I continued to do the same things over and over feeling certain that this time my words would make a difference. Staying stuck where we don't belong is a thief that gags us, binds us and speaks lies into our thinking.
Somewhere along the way, months after attending meetings, the cobwebs began to clear and my vision was focusing on my own well-being. I had given away the value of who I was in an effort to pour value into Cliff as a desperate attempt for him to know how much he mattered and was loved. The problem was, I didn't see my own worth or value and kept throwing myself in front of the moving bus hoping that this slow death would end and we could live happily ever after. Put on the rose-colored glasses.
I can't stress enough how important it is to find an accountability partner, mentor or sponsor who can help you see the reality until your eyes are clear. It takes work because just like your addict won't hear your words, you won't hear others until you begin to read, pray, ask and believe that the life you are living today is not your life-sentence.
Step 1 (admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable) is the hardest but the first step toward your life change. Truly, there is something much better than this awaiting you.
Your Creator made you for so much more, this I know.
