The Law of Power

It's been a little bit over two years now that I seriously began to take a look at how my life needed changing.

Oh, up until that point I THOUGHT I was working on this aspect and to a degree I had. But that aspect desperately included trying to have my sons respect me and follow rules as the Ten Commandments called out. You know, "Honor your Father and Mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." But they weren't buying into that because they couldn't at the time. What a frustration life always seemed to be and so I plodded through day after day, year after year.

Desperately trying to make my sons world a better place, I continued in the tactic I believed since I was 17. That's when I met their dad and quickly convinced myself that all he needed was someone to love him. His home life consisted of two alcoholic parents. Some of you know much better than I, what that life was like. On our graduation day, he went home with his diploma (his parents didn't come to the graduation for several alcoholic excuses) and found his mother in a rip roaring drunk. She was not a happy drunk, but rather an embittered woman. She was about the most angry, bitter woman I had ever known. Picture the character "Momma" from the movie "Throw Momma from the train" and you get an idea of the personality of his mother. Anyway, when he took his diploma in the house, she was in one of her typical drunken rants and said he didn't deserve this diploma, after all, who was the one who helped him with his homework...and blah, blah, blah. In the next moment, she tore his diploma up in 50 or more pieces and threw it at him. He showed up at my house a short time later, vowing to never go back. My heart ached and the co-dependency took up root. We married and I longed to have a husband love me as Jesus said he should but He couldn't because he didn't know the character of Jesus and so the twisted effects began to develop our relationship in ways that became normal to us. Ugly, and nothing was normal. Eventually, as with most relationships existing under the influence of something, we divorced.

But, so many years went by and my patterns of codependency continued to manifest itself in strange ways that I didn't realize were unhealthy. It twisted my thinking and all logic into a ball of left over yarn pieces. Colorful, yes, but full of knots and broken pieces tied together with ends sticking out all over. As I made decisions and poor choices, usually in an effort to medicate myself from the heartaches and pain, I battled with guilt too and continued in the only way I knew how to try and make my sons lives better. Because their family life had been skewed, I kept stepping in and trying to repair and fix and get them to see the light. I wanted them to have some lovely family memories but those were hard to come by. These efforts were given only temporary result and promise. The rug would be pulled out again and then off we went in another direction.

Finally, when I begged God to take over this situation with Cliff because I simply couldn't do it anymore, He kindly removed Cliff from the premises for a bit over a year. At first, I lay in a heap of sadness and grieved away the lost years. God allowed me to do that for the first winter of Cliff's departure and I spent the better part of 4-5 months hiding out under blankets and numbly watching TV. My only routine was work (only by force because no one was taking care of me, but me) home and my meetings. An occasional bright star would come along when Son #1 and Lovely Espousa with Mini-chick in tow would visit or I would go over there for a fix. A healthy fix for the heart. I slowly began to crawl out from under my darkness when I began to really grasp this thing of being powerless. Particularly the part of being powerless over any body else.

My thinking really had to be changed regarding my parenting. My son was an adult. My son was spared the ravaging effects of heroin so he was able to think clearly and make choices and understand reasonable and sound counsel, if he would so choose.

God began to clarify my boundaries. I was learning to submit MYSELF to the process and allowing God to change me. After all, I couldn't change anything else. Not the weather, the economy, the past (ouch!! I had spent years working on this) and especially anybody else. I don't recall thinking that I wanted to change anyone, I just believed that they would change if they knew how much I love them. How amazingly arrogant that thinking is but I am just seeing that now. Only God's love can change anyone and they have to want it for themselves.

What I can do is influence others but this is tricky too and with boundaries. I can't go out and try to manipulate with influence. No...I have to change myself and my ways, so that others destructive choices and patterns no longer work on me. If I learn to change my way of dealing with those I love and dealing with myself, others may be motivated to choose a new way to live. But that's between them and their Maker.

When this new thinking began to take root, I began to get healthier in spirit and mind and people began to notice. Especially Cliff. He called from prison usually once a week and on one particular occasion he commented at how I had changed. He could hear it in our conversations, my replies to him and my less anxious demeanor. I continually chose to put his choices back into his hands. He had also changed. Simultaneously yet independently God seemed to be working on both of us.

Oh, for the wisdom to accept what I cannot change (others) for the courage to change what I can (me), and to clearly know the difference. Knowing that this is a daily morning choice helps me in more ways than I can count. At the grocery store, at work (a biggie), with friendships, family and mostly myself.

The Law of Power to change the things I cannot change belongs to God alone. The power I have is to choose, and I do.

The Waiting Room

No sooner had I posted Law #1 on Boundaries, when I received a call from Ms. Beloved who is dealing with a wayward adult child. On the younger side of adult, mind you, but an adult nevertheless.

Ms. Beloved's child has been challenging the laws of life it seems since about one year after her own recovery began. Ms. Beloved's years were riddled with anguish and devastating results due to alcoholism which don't need to be explained. Everyone who's walked, stumbled, rolled or crawled through this gateway has enough of their own results to grasp the situation here.

Now, Wayward One is trying to live life on her own terms which simply interprets to trying to hold her mother hostage with the results of her choices. I realize that some may not agree with my thinking, but I honestly believe that the hardest part of this huge circle involving addiction and alcoholism or any other deviant behavior is being the parent in such a situation. Our children become master manipulators by regurgitating the past all over us while trying to hand us a one way ticket on the train of guilt. Fortunately, Ms. Beloved has years of recovery behind her now and has kicked her practiced training into high gear to stand on the truth of the situation and not let emotions rule her. Difficult but possible.

At least 3 times over the past 12 months Ms. Beloved has extended the olive branch to her Wayward One, with healthy viable choices, only to find each time that Wayward One took what she needed for that moment, duped Ms. Beloved and walked away. After a time of silence, Wayward one calls Ms. Beloved in her hour of need and the worst case scenarios are envisioned all over again. Sadly, Wayward One is in that place again but assures her mother via Facebook Inbox that she'll "figure it out on her own as usual. And I know I have to take care of myself and I can do it on my own."

To Ms. Beloved, who shared with me, I replied: Hmmmm.....well, I guess it depends on what your "doing it on my own" encompasses. From her perspective she's been doing it even if it means wheedling from others, which is a thought process that a lot of young people (or street people) go through and think it's okay and right. So while she's been doing it on her own, she's doing it in a very hard way but in her mind it's been working out. And, of course, she's still seeing herself as a victim. They don't see the trail of debris behind them...or don't want to see it. I hope she sees it sooner than later. ugh. Praying for you and her...love you so much.

To me, this is the most painful part of healthy boundaries. Seeing the situation as it is and letting our Wayward Ones sow what they've reaped. More often than not the growing pains don't have to be so painful if the Wayward Ones would step out of their victim clothing and ask for real guidance (not a rescue) and face life head on in the truth.

The waiting room is overflowing with Beloved's in anticipation of that revelation.

Boundaries - Law #1

This summer hasn't been just a summer of fun; it's also been a summer of education. I sat in a class titled "Codependency" which was very informative and also read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend titled "BOUNDARIES".

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? The authors write from their experience and knowledge as psychologists and weave God's word into it, which is right up my alley.

This book is changing my life. How helpful this book would have been for me as a young mother, but then, I might not have listened! Page by page this book is revealing all sorts of confusion in my understanding of good boundaries. Along the way of life, my boundaries became blurry or maybe they just always were. My dearly departed Mom probably was a poster child for blurry or obscure boundaries and just didn't know it. She was left to fend or figure things out for herself and, I believe, withdrew into her own figuring out as a defense mechanism because she hadn't been able to trust most people in her early life.

Healthy boundaries are necessary in every area of our lives; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. In marriage, employment, parenting and friendships we will reap what we sow.

A great chapter called "The Ten Laws of Boundaries" really opened my eyes and I thought I would share some excerpts from these laws one post at a time.


Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

When God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he's telling us how things really are......Sometimes, however, people don't reap what they sow because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them.

Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundaryless people "co-sign the note" of life for the irresponsible person. Then they end up paying the bills -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually - and the spendthrift continues out of control with no consequences. He continues to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely.

Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one's life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

The authors go on to say that confronting the irresponsible person isn't enough. Confronting without setting boundaries only sounds like nagging. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

I thought I was implementing a Sowing and Reaping format in my life and the life of my sons. But in honest reflection I realize that I was way off the mark and my boundaries were merely confusing to all of us. As my sons grew older, the Sowing and Reaping consequences became larger and were being pried out of my hands by the authority of the state laws. Rescuing became an even bigger reaction as I was sure that my endless love would be all my sons would need to see the light. Oh, I was so far off the mark. People caught in destructive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior.

Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someones life.

Healthy Love comes with good, clear boundaries for all.

Stay tuned.


*Bolded and italicized words are from the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.*

All pics googled.

Summer Synopsis

Can you believe these beautiful mini-chicks are from the same two parents? Lovely brown and purely pink! More beautiful flowers were never created. :)

This picture sums up my summer, really. A summer filled with love and family and activity and joy.

I took a two-month reprieve from some of my typical activities only to spend the time filling up on more knowledge regarding this life of recovery, boundary setting and good mental health. Changing it up allowed a lot more time for summer love with family in a way I've never been able to experience with my own offspring. What a wonderful gift it's been!

Yet in the midst of joy, my extended family said goodbye to another sibling of my Dad's, only to drive home, once again, the frailty of life. Fast and fleeting. Choose your battle, claim your victories. Don't waste a minute looking back.

My immediate family gathered from near and far for my Dad's impending octogenarian celebration. We surely caught him off guard and enjoyed a day that was simply pure love and fun. There were about 30 of us together and we were still missing some valuable treasures that were unable to travel home for this once in a lifetime event.

A few weeks later, Cliff celebrated his 29th birthday, starting at home with our little family enjoying a barbecue, followed by taking 3 guests and himself to a Detroit Tiger game. All of his guests were females! What a guy! What a way to celebrate his special day! Some had never been to a professional ball game before and they saw a great winning game!

Last weekend, Cliff and I went 2 hours north for a long weekend with some family friends and their son, who is also in recovery. The weather was perfect for March. :) Drizzly mornings and grey skies ensued, with temperatures in the 60's. But it didn't dampen a thing about our time together. We had a blast!! Playing board games late into the night, riding a pontoon with hoods, sweatshirts and blankets, and great food by a warm fire.

It was a very busy summer, yet nothing extremely out of the ordinary of what most families experience year after year. But for me and my own, it was a new year without the influence of.....anything!!

Oh, this really is the life that God intended!


I'll be back much sooner than later. :)

Mother and Child Reunion

Initially our eyes met briefly ~ sneaking a peek and darting away, only to be glanced at again in a sideways slant. I longed to stare into the face and eyes of the son that seemed to drink in a memory of his birth mom nearly 19 years ago. Due to a speaking seminar I was attending in Daniel's home town I was now a guest in his home.

When Daniel was born, he was a healthy 9 lbs 4 oz solid baby boy! And, I know it's not necessary to say, but he was BEAUTIFUL. I'm of the opinion that children of mixed heritage are often the most striking people that grace this earth. The evening before this family would begin a journey for a lifetime, Daniel's parents came to visit me in the hospital. I was sitting on my bed holding Daniel up on my shoulder and we were talking as old friends might do about life in general. Sort of the white elephant saga, we spoke of everything and anything that didn't have to do with tomorrow's transition. At one point during our conversation, I was speaking to Carol when suddenly Daniel picked his head up off my shoulder and looked up into my face as if to say "I know this voice. Are you my mother?"

The last night that Daniel and I had together as mother and son was so bittersweet. I didn't want it to end, yet I longed to move on swiftly in an effort to reduce the pain that was welling up inside of me. I rolled Daniel's bassinet to my room in the middle of the night as he was beginning to stir for an early morning bottle. Thankful that I had a private room I talked to Daniel and told him things that I hoped would remain in his soul forever. His eyes were bright and gleaming, rich in depth and seemed to sparkle brightly all the while. We talked for what seemed like hours as that last night turned into day. Daniel was all ears and quite alert for being only 30 hours old, seeming to drink in everything I said to him with earnest delight, almost as if to say, "tell me more, Mom. I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know about you before I go." We lingered that morning, he and I.

Impending grief loomed large and every now and then, for a fleeting moment, I almost changed my mind. How could this be??? How did I get into this situation?? Of course, I knew how, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be placing a child of my womb, a child of my heart into another families arms to raise.

When Fran, the adoption facilitator came to tell me the time was drawing near, she left me alone again with Daniel sleeping in his bassinet. I peered over this perfect little child and wept uncontrollably. I picked him up and held him so close it felt as if we would simply become one. Unable to take these emotions for another minute Fran seemed to come back right on time. I placed this beautiful boy into her arms and as she left the room, I sank into my pillow and wept with more pain than I had ever felt before. Yet, in my heart of hearts I knew that as painful as this was, as hard as it was, it was the most right thing I've ever done and I thanked God for giving me the strength to carry it through.

The past five days Daniel and I played cat and mouse with our eyes, our questions and our thoughts. One evening he brought out his graduation party poster boards, "The Shrine of Daniel" his family teasingly called it, chronicling his life from birth through graduation. I poured over those boards, recalling some of the pictures I'd received through the years and marveling at others I had never seen. The next night when we were all out for ice cream, his 82 year old grandfather thanked me with such feeling for the gift I had given to this family and told me how much he loved this boy. I was humbled deeply and had even more gratitude for this family given to me. Athletically, Daniel succeeds. Grandpa told me that at each sporting event, no matter who in the family was there to cheer him on, Daniel would hug each one after the game of that day and thank them for being there. What a guy!

My speaking seminar was an incredible process of learning to find an aim and application to whatever I may choose to speak about. It sounds easy enough but really takes some work to hone in on this craft and learn that my words and gestures need to be purposeful from beginning to end. It was difficult in some ways because at night, when I would have been spending time reworking my assignment, I was bonding again with Carol and we shared so much more of our lives that didn't necessarily include Daniel. Somedays I was emotionally spent. But it was ALL GOOD.

Being a woman of faith was the only thing that carried me through the past 19 years that was filled with divorce, addiction, recovery, job loss, death, grieving and a smattering of abundant joy through my grandgirls. Only God would have known that 19 years ago when I placed Daniel into this family, that I would end up at a conference less than five miles away from his home. Only God would have Carol call me "out of the blue" and then, after finding out I'd be in their town, invite me to spend my nights with them allowing Daniel and me to have some interaction that prayerfully will give him even more security in the fact knowing that he's always been loved by me.

A mother and child reunion is only a motion away.

Through the deepest trials of life, God will sustain those who ask. Not only sustain, but restore brokenness to an even better place than it was to begin with.

"Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust."

Joel 2:25a

*All Pics Googled*