Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

Loving Detachment

Are you ever too old to be a bridesmaid?  I'm not sure, but I was a bridesmaid yesterday for a young friend whom I've mentored over the past two years.  It was a lovely day of celebration and I danced my arse off at the reception. How fun to feel so energized again!

One of the questions I get asked often is "How do you draw boundaries, or remain in a relationship without condoning certain behaviors?"    This question can lead us down many rabbit trails, all leading to a healthy garden, so today I will take one part of the equation. I don't have all the answers - I just have my own experience and exposures to draw from. 

So much about recovery is finding balance in your world.  We enablers and codependents have been sitting so long on the down side of the teeter totter that we've come to believe or allow  that it's an all or nothing relationship.  And, we continually think it's all about us and what we can do to rescue our lost loved ones.  We can't balance the teeter totter this way, yet we continually say, "sure, I can do that" or "yes, you can leave it with me", or still "what can I do to help you change your life?"  

In Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" she opens 
Chapter 5, entitled "Detachment" with the following quote from an 
Al-Anon member: It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.  WOWEE!! 

You mean to tell me we don't have to be involved in everything??? You are trying to tell me my addict/appendage does not have to be the object of my obsession??  Are you saying I can finally take a step back and stop trying to intercept every painful moment that belongs to my addict and not me?  Oh, thank you Lord, for permission to loosen my grip and let go!!!  

Sometimes in well meaning relationships between a substance abuser and their family, there are large amounts of confusion over who owns what.  The boundaries weren't clear before the addiction took root and then became even blurrier when the substance moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

By this time, we the enablers, have relinquished ourselves 
and our rights to allow anyone and everyone to trample on our feelings, our beliefs and our dreams.  Now, as we begin to step back and get a little breathing room, we struggle to put to rest all that we thought was true. 

And if you add your faith to the mix, sometimes we struggle to juggle all the different balls in the air and get them to land safely, softly and in love.  Sometimes we don't want to accept that maybe that dream we envision won't happen and it quite possibly isn't up to us to make it right. The Scripture says, "hate the sin, not the sinner". This can apply to all areas of our life.  

Taking care of "self" is not selfish. Detaching from those you love in addiction is not mean. It's not leaving them to die.  Loving with detachment means you are going to take care of self. Can you have one thought, one conversation or one day that doesn't tie you to your addict? Can you formulate a thought on paper or make a plan without dragging your appendage into it? Are you constantly shifting your finances around to "help" out your needy addict?  Do you have adult appendages? 

Look at your friendships. Hopefully those are healthy and you are not trying to control them.  If you had a friend that called you night and day, begged for money and hurled filthy language and accusations your way, how would you handle that? You would end it or certainly do a cut off with a clear call out on what was acceptable and unacceptable. 
Why then, do we allow our adult addicts to behave like an overgrown two year-old having tantrums? Are you throwing them pacifiers to quiet them down instead of letting them cry it out and feel their own pain? We must learn to step back from the unhealthy behavior that so easily entangles us.  Why do we think an active addict will behave like a healthy individual?  They can't and they won't.  Until they choose to get their addiction kicked, they will not change their behavior.  

The "thing" that I needed to finally take hold of when Cliff was in his addiction was that, by trying to manage his addiction by controlling where he was, worrying why he wasn't where he promised to be, fretting over money he promised to pay back and would not, was not going to change until I learned to let him go and learned to take care of me.  

So how can you love with detachment? Take your substance abuser out to eat once in a while. Have conversations about the music they love, the latest movie or TV program they enjoy. Get them a pair of shoes and socks if they need them. Don't give money, don't give gifts that can be returned for money, but spend a little time with them. Have some laughs with them! They are longing for you to see them beyond their junkie status. However, you call the shots. In love let them know what the rules are. Set the time and place and the amount of time you will give.  And if they don't show up, don't take it personally.  Always remember that your active addict is sick. They are incapable of keeping their word. 

For now. 

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled.