Addicted Me

The older I get the more I realize that I have an addictive personality of  my own. A few years back Cliff and I were driving home from the store when he spied a bag in the backseat holding a new box of  Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Roll Ups. "Mom,"  he said, "why are you buying those? They can't be good for your sugar."  Usually quite defensive of anyone pointing out my food choices, I reluctantly replied that they just called out to me.  He paused and said without judgment, "I know what you mean. Heroin used to call out to me, too."  Ugh.

When I was in high school, heroin was the rich man's drug but pot and other substances could be found everywhere, including my high school vestibule.  But I was afraid of drugs in any form.  In 1972 I knew of several people who died from drug usage and that was enough for me. Though pot didn't claim those statistics, I was afraid of anything that would alter my  mind and self-control.  I'm so thankful that even without knowing it or knowing God that well, that He gave me a strong sense of 'no' in that particular arena.  He was protecting me and for once I didn't throw all caution to the wind and jump the line. 

Why then, am I now facing my own refusal to acknowledge my need for removal of other forms of substance abuse?  Sugar is my "thang".  I clearly remember being at my cousin Leslie Hamp's 5th birthday party and parking myself right at the corner of the picnic table where a bowl of  M&M's sat unsupervised, calling out to me. All the other party attenders were off playing some games and I wanted no part of that. I was in my own little chocolate heaven until my aunt shooed me away. Ugh. 

Still being a sugar person you'd think by 57-3/4 years old I would have won this battle. Not so. And even with all the issues of diabetes I have, it would make sense to everyone around me to just simply walk away. It isn't that simple as many of you can relate with life hazards of your own that you've yet to kick.  This process always reminds me of the Scripture verse in the book of Romans when Paul says "Why do I do the things I hate?"  Ugh. 

I'm reminded that my life didn't exist simply to raise Son #1 and Cliff. Somehow I saw myself as being their life director and trying to intervene where only God could reach them. In so doing, I continued for many years to ignore God when He was trying to reach me and was beckoning me to look Him square in the face, so to speak, and hear what He has for me.  Love, acceptance, intimacy, goodness, blessing, peace, order, freedom, and unsurpassed joy.  All these things await me as I continue to step fully into the life He has planned for me, which includes well-being and good health. 

As I continue to relinquish my ways and my unneeded help for those I love, it frees me up to connect with myself in a healthy way. Today, I will choose to take care of me, my health and my home all in the freedom of surrendering to His magnificent way.  From despair to hope, I've been set free. At times I feel like I'm just starting again down this path and that's the beauty of 12 Steps and a loving God.  He is always holding out His righteous right hand to start anew and you can practice the 12 Steps over and over and over again. 

Peace. 

Picture from google