Still Coping?

Coping, or my version of it, was beyond healthy in any capacity. In spite of coming from a large family I dearly love, being helped in a day to day way was out of the question. As Detroit changed dramatically, my circle of family and friends were spread out and separated in locality just as dramatically. When a family enters a crisis lifestyle, which is what it was for us, being separated from loved ones can really send you reeling into another dimension entirely.

Due to the unconscious rewinding and replaying over and over again of words that were derogatory, my mind battled between truth and lies. Somehow, the lies seemed to set the stage for decisions I made for years beyond. My marriage was so unhealthy that I looked for acceptance, love, and self-worth through men who would say what they thought I needed to hear. The problem was, I was such an empty vessel, I fell for one after the other thinking "this was it!"

Boy, was I out of my mind. With the thinking that was stinking up my life, how was I parenting, working or functioning in a healthy and positive way? The debris around my life clearly states that I wasn't functioning as well as I thought. I just didn't see the effects on my life as they truly were. All of this without a drink or drug in sight.

I had close friends and a church family who helped me in many ways, but often I just wasn't able to share the deepest struggles regarding me or my sons (keeping secrets). Sometimes when I did share, people often didn't know what to say or how to help me. I wasn't healthy enough to either see or hear or was to prideful when God placed others in my path to help. Years later, I'm picking up pieces and putting myself back together to be the person God was always encouraging and intending for me to be.

Step One is as meaningful to me as to any one else in a Twelve Step program.

We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.

Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole.