I Want My Mommy!!

Do you ever feel that way? My beloved mom was set free from this earth nearly four years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I recall the exact moment and place I stood at my mother's funeral when my Uncle Jim said "you will think of your mother every day." So far, he's been right. She visits my dreams and smiles. I'm so glad because the last few years of her life were spent trapped in a body that refused to do what the brain instructed. So now I have only the memories I choose to cherish as my own. However one of the blessings of having eight siblings is that others have cherished memories of their own too and we get to share them between us. At times it's a "mommapalooza" of fun. Other times it's a melancholy moment of quiet. No matter which, there is always a longing to share something with Mom physically and personally that leaves me a bit saddened.

Missing Mom is sort of like being at the ocean where the waves rise and fall. The last twelve months have personally been fraught with emotional battles that would be off the stress charts if tallied. The waves roll and seem to gain volume and power with each approach. Beautiful as these waves appear they also spew remains of debris and smelly dead things on the smooth sand. Once the seas pull back, it seems you have just enough time to catch your breath for the next momentous crash. On and on it goes until the water has churned up all the poison that has been brewing and gurgling below, preventing that serene calm that draws us to the edge of the sand. During the rise and fall of these waves in my life, I've thought of Mom more than ever.

How fun it would have been for her to become a great-grandmother when Kenzie Rose was born! We would have been in the grandparent club together that growing older usually allows. I've had so many mental conversations with Mom about life's greatest joy and am a little saddened that Kenzie won't know her as my sons knew their great-grandmothers. I've also missed Mom simply for the cherished chats that Mothers and Daughters share. Our chats were soothing to my soul and I thought they would go on for years. How comforting it was for me when she would listen and sometimes not say much of anything about that particular situation yet knowing she pondered and held my concerns close to her heart. She was my harbor in the storm......

I want my mommy!!

(Tomorrow would be Mom's earthly birthday. I can hardly believe five years have gone by since she bid adieu. I borrowed this post from my other blog because it fits. The sickness of silence kept me from sharing Cliff's problems with anyone, especially Mom when she was in her illness. Now that I'm in recovery I miss her more than ever. I know she'd share my heart and my hurt. More of Mom tomorrow)

6 comments:

cedrorum said...

I like the honesty of your writing. This a great post about your mom and your feelings now that she is gone. My wife and I waited until we were older (me through with school at a later age) to have kids. She was 35 and I 38 at the birth of our first. That may have all kinds of implications. I hope that I will live long enough to see my kids children. If they wait until they are as old as I was I will be 78. Luckily I seem to have good genes for long life in my family.

AlkySeltzer said...

Tomorrow I'll be back for Part II. Seems like today is a day for memories of "those who've gone before us".

May God bless you--and your Mommy!
Steve E.

Lou said...

Such a lovely relationship with your mother is indeed a blessing.

Like Steveroni says,it feels like a day for(good)reminiscing.

I'm feeling optimistic about the new friendships. Your warm smile & sincere welcome of a few months ago have impacted my life more than you will ever know. Thank you.

Barbara B. said...

a poignant and beautiful post...

Heather said...

Laura,
This brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. One thing that's always given me a smidge of comfort is knowing that we never really lose those we love the most. They live on in our hearts and their laughter dances on the breeze. Thank you for sharing something so intimate. I'll be back tomorrow. ;0)

mother of drug addict said...

My own mother dies when I was 13 so she never got to meet any of her grandchildren and I miss her still so much and it has been 34 years. I miss the good and the bad and mostly what advice she might have given me about how to do the mom thing.

Keep remembering the good it helps during the bad times.