A Lullaby


The clock strikes 9:00 pm, 10:00 pm, 11:00 pm and I'm at the window looking up the street and down the street in hopes of seeing a glimpse of Cliff. Some sign that he was coming home tonight. Tick, tick, tick...


Convinced that among the stars angels are watching me pace the floor, angry one minute and anxious the next. Where oh where, can he be? Eyeing the time, I try to sleep, knowing I have to be up and out for work in the morning. Spewing angry thoughts into mid-air that no one would hear but me, trying so hard to leave it with God yet snatching it back just as quickly. Somehow gazing at the moon seems to conjure up the only prayers I could utter.


"Please, please let him be okay," I pray. "I just can't take another day of this!" I know Cliff's out there somewhere but where?? I know you see him, Mr. Moon. Please direct him home so I can be only angry and not worried. I can't take these conflicting emotions running rampant through my body!


Grasping for a moment of God's peace, I grab my bible.

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1


"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness" Genesis 1:26a


I see someone out there. I squint my eyes hard to make sure they're not playing tricks on me. My jaw is locked so intensely I feel my teeth weakening. It's Cliff! Walking up the walkway in the shadow of the trees, my man-boy is coming in with the most amazing story of bad luck you can imagine. I'm really irritated that he's okay while I'm in knots and yet grateful to know that he's not laying dead somewhere as somebody's unknown. A conundrum to be sure.

God keep me from hurting him, I shout in my mind! I'm angrier than ever now that he drifts into endless sleep while I can barely keep my eyes closed due to the rage running through my veins.

God Help Me.


BHM said...

You have an amazing way of telling your story. My story too, but in a more lyrical way.
I totally understand the wanting to see him; the pain & hurt of seeing him "like that."

Continue to put your feelings down.
I promise somewhere along the way, you will see the strength of your character. You will see you did everything out of a mother's love.

I've been feeling sad, but I know it will lift.
"Happier to be sometimes cheated, than to not trust." Samuel Johnson

cedrorum said...

I can relate. Your post brings back memories for me; waking up at 2 in the morning and wondering when my wife would come tripping in after spending time drinking with her buddy next door. Or if she had fallen and split her head open on the driveway because she tripped. I'm glad I'm not there anymore and hope I never am again.

Mary Christine said...

It is almost more than a person can bear.

Scott W said...

Thanks for stopping by my joint. I am a '54 baby, too.

Fractalmom said...

isn't' it really weird how they ALL have those incredible stories of bad luck, that happen over and over and over and over. LOL. It took me the longest time to realize they were lies to excuse what was happening.

Shadow said...

very moving.