Keep Moving Forward

So, it's been a while. A long while. I've thought of landing here so often in the last few months and have cleverly written such witty repartee in my thoughts that someone, somewhere would be applauding me and asking for more. Sigh.  

Life stands still for no one.  I'm not saying anything new or clever here, just a blatant reminder that if my blog is a priority for me as it once was,  I have to come by, sit down and share.  I make a lot of excuses since I'm on a sales desk all day long and sometimes those days become 9 and 10 hour days at a computer, on a phone or replying to the zillionth email.  Still, as important as this topic is for me I need to visit here more often.  This exercise has a way of sorting out  my thoughts; positive or negative and letting me sift through to separate the truth from fiction.  I have so much to's hard to begin because I'd have to go back. Way back. 

I'll just begin with the last few months and move on.  I haven't mentioned Cliff in a very long time.  As I went to a few graduation parties this summer, and missed some graduation parties this summer, I thought to myself that Cliff had a bit of a graduation in his life, too.  The road to recovery is a long and never ending process, really, because we are changing month by month, day by day, minute by minute if we're willing. But sometimes it's not just addiction and all the behaviors that come with that life style that stall us from accomplishing our goals. Sometimes it's our own personality that's formed and developed or never matured that keeps us in a muddy place.  I, for one, often have to stifle a "who said?" or my eternal favorite "you're not the boss of me" comment.  I see and hear that behavior sometimes reflected in my offspring.  Gosh, I was hoping they would have picked up something better from me. 

Back to Cliff.  At long last, 8 years I think since he's used, Cliff has secured a real job as a permanent employee and for the first time is on a payroll with real benefits.  It was a graduation of sorts that came through some tough knocks and some unwise choices.  It also came with words that we all want to hear 'We'd like you to come and work for us permanently. You need us and we need you.'  Who wouldn't want to receive those words?  It won't be long before Cliff will be entirely on his own again, but in a far better way.  This time he's all grown up with a license and a car and something solid under his feet for employment.  It didn't come quickly nor easily but it came right on time - when he was ready. 

And sometimes the family members take a long road to recovery too, and when the dust settles they might find themselves pursuing the very thing that seemed to allude them for so long.  I am returning to school next month. I'm hoping to segue into a new career that will allow me to work according to my time frame, and not punch a clock anymore. This new goal should allow me to supplement my retirement when I get to cross that threshold.  My long term goal is to be a therapist for women and families in crisis mode. I lived there so long, it's my arena of comfort.  That could be good or bad, but I believe it's good. Wisdom comes through pain and we all love to talk to someone who's walked in our shoes. Wisdom also comes from slowly and methodically doing the right thing even if that means to stand and wait.  That took me a very long time to learn.  

I'm excited for the future for both of us.  It looks like we finally came to a place where we can retreat to our neutral corners, come to the middle and shake hands.  It feels good and I am blessed. 

I'll be back soon, I promise. 


Annette said...

I loved this Laura....I linked to it from my blog. We aren't here yet, but I am so happy for you and Cliff.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading through your blog and learning much. I have been a Nar Anon member for four years and yet when my son is actively using I still find it very difficult to detach and let go. You said in one of your posts: "

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado. I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance. To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will."

I feel like the only way we can sift through and really find recovery is when the tornados stop coming at us. I was just wondering your thoughts on that. If your son didn't go to prison at that time and found recovery do you think you would have been able to let go and have peace with him actively using. When my son isn't using I find it easy to work the program but when he is using the fear of him dying, having another car accident etc., doesn't seem to be something that I can stop doing