In the world of recovery it would be so comforting to be able to say that all is smooth sailing. But life as God created means the sun comes up and the sun goes down and in the midst of 24 hours life goes on often with stops and starts. Just when you begin to feel as if things are humming along nicely you get a call or hear from someone with news that can be disturbing, unsettling or downright tragic.
When I first began attending recovery meetings almost three years ago, an attractive spunky looking little gal walked in and already I didn't like her. Oh, not really, but I was a tad jealous on my first glance of K. She couldn't have been anything more than a size zero. Her hairstyle, clothing and demeanor was edgy. Cute as a button, heads would turn when she walked by. You know the type~you simply can't help but notice women like K. I began to get to know her a little at a time as she went to the addictions table while I went to the table for codependency. Our struggles were on opposite ends of the spectrum. It didn't take long before I realized I had nothing to be jealous of; her demons were large and fought for her life choices day by day. K had huge consequences due to her constant companion of Jack D. and spent many a day incapacitated by alcohol. Jack D claimed her life this week. Cute little K hung herself yesterday as this demon convinced her she was worthless in this life and that her life choices couldn't be forgiven. He sold her the big lie that recovery doesn't work and that she was a horrible mother. I'm saddened and devastated with the loss of this person in my life.
I've always struggled with this aspect of anyone in addiction recovery. When my sons were living under the influences of these damning choices I battled repeatedly with trying to figure out what would cause someone to feel so hopeless in the first place to make that choice.
Grasping again at what I find to steady me, I realize even more so how powerless I am over all of life except my choice to surrender my will and my way. I'm thankful for a support group that reaches out to each other with shared grief but shared affirmations to continue on our path of recovery and strength through God as our rock. I'm thankful that I began my day in prayer and readings that, unbeknown to me, prepared me to receive this news and not take it on as my personal cross to bear. I'm simply allowed to grieve as it should be.
The sun comes up and the sun goes down and the clock still ticks.
I'll miss K.
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