Memorial Day.....

Typically, Memorial Day is set aside to be mindful, thankful and prayerful for the men and women who have and are laying down their life for this country we live in.

I was on a retreat this weekend unlike any other I've experienced. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought this was specifically a recovery retreat~but then, in my opinion, that's what God is all about anyway. He's been restoring and drawing His creation back into a healthy, whole and loving relationship since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden. The retreat went from Friday evening until Sunday evening and it was quite intimate. The theme was God's Unfailing Love.

Arriving home late Sunday night I should have gone directly to bed. But my thoughts wouldn't stop playing out the scenes I witnessed all weekend. Amazing healing, discovery, and peace were given to different people for different wounds. I went to bed in a thankful frame of mind, body and soul.

Monday morning came with a quiet and peaceful start. I had time for a devotional and to enjoy a cup of coffee in the still of the morning as the birds sang songs outside my window ~ it was the type of morning that commercials are made of. :) Son #1 and family were coming over and it would be the first time in months we gathered at my home and the first time in several years we would all be together free from the creep (addiction)!

My grandgirls arrived and I delighted in the day from beginning to end. It was such a peaceful and lighthearted get-together I didn't want it to end. Mini-chick shadowed Cliff constantly watching his every move and questioning his every action. If Cliff was outside she wanted me to take her out. When he went back inside, we went back inside. While cooking on the grill, Mini was at the doorwall observing and making small chit-chat with Cliff. Later on, Cliff was on the floor getting acquainted with Bambina II. Son #1 and Lovely Espousa are a joy to watch as they parent these happy little girls in my life. I love it!

This memorial day was a day of reflection for so many with military connections. Not disregarding that fact, it was a day of reflection for me with my family too. Our visit was real, and pleasant, and openly enjoyed by all and it was the first time we've all been together without the shadow of addiction twisting the day into something unhealthy or destructive. We savored the day ~ all of us! As the evening marched on we watched Family Guy's episode of Star Wars, which is quite funny if you haven't seen it. Mini-chick was scarfing homemade brownies (okay, not really scarfing but definitely enjoying them!) and Lovely Espousa was cuddling Bambina II when someone asked the time. It was 9:15 and we were all surprised at how late the day had become. I loved it!

Memorial Day.

Remembering with gratefulness battles militarily and spiritually that have been won at great cost.

Peace.


*All pictures are mine!*

12 Steps Peace

12 Steps by 12 Steps Cliff and I are both living life somewhat "normally". Whatever that is.

Mr. Boss has season tickets for the Detroit Tigers, which they've done for years. Customers are given first dibs and then if games are not taken, we can use them. Midweek games are generally wide open due to schedule conflicts for the "average" Joe. Whoever that is.

This week such an opportunity became available and I picked up the four tickets (really good seats) for the Tigers vs. Tx Rangers last night. Cliff asked his buddy Andrew and several other people to go including Son #1 but due to one reason or another most folks couldn't go. Eventually he rounded out the foursome and they headed down to the D to see the game.

It was a perfect night for a game! The weather was perfect, the Tigers are playing decently so far this year and Verlander was on the mound. I was quite comfortable with the event, especially because Andrew, who is also in recovery, was not one of the people Cliff used with or ran the streets with in his former life. But as the evening went on, the creep tried to put me back into the old panic (codependent) mode. I recalled that Cliff had to be to work at 6:00 am today and being that he's still dependent on me for transportation I started to think about whether or not he would get enough rest, whether or not he washed his uniform and whether or not he was in his seat at the stadium or ditching his new friends. Arrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Tip-toeing into an old pattern of behavior, I peeked into Cliff's room (the door was wide open) and noticed his uniform was not washed. I decided I would "help" him out and wash it. Clothing in hand, I stopped myself and said no, it's not my uniform and not my responsibility to handle. I dropped it where it lay. As I watched the end of the game, my stomach began to churn and my thoughts began to go to the "what-ifs". At that time I realized I didn't want to go that route so I picked up my recovery bible and looked for specific verses regarding peace. I also realized that I had to trust Cliff at this time and not go backwards into the old patterns. How sly the creep is; he's so good at trying to usurp what my Higher Power, God, has done in both our lives.

As I continued to search out some readings on peace, I relaxed and left it alone. I went to bed as I have been, believing that Cliff would get home (he did), take care of his own business (he did) and be up early enough, looking presentable for me to get him to work ontime (he was).

Life is lovely today and today is all I need to take care of. Thank you, God.

*All Pics Googled*

Reunited And It Feels So Good!

How strange life is. Eighteen months can seem like an eternity yet pass in the blink of an eye all at the same time. Choking back emotion all week long, I anticipated Friday with guarded hope because Cliff had contacted Lovely Espousa and Son #1 and asked if they could all get together that Friday evening.

Communication between my sons and daughter-in-law began cautiously in February and layer by layer hurt feelings and protected walls were carefully being removed, or at least becoming permeable. As the walls came down, the path was moving forward to a reconciliation of hearts.

So, Friday morning Lovely Espousa and I took the little chickies out shopping for the day but I think we spent more time getting them in and out of carseats and strollers than anything else! Four dollars and thirty two cents later we went back to their house, where I stayed home with the Mini's while the three adults I love most got together for their first encounter. It was between them and without me. The little girls ran this old girl ragged as I have been out of the game a long time! I wouldn't have changed one minute of Friday for anything!

Several hours later I heard the car pull up in the driveway and quickly Lovely Espousa was coming through the front door smiling, followed by Cliff with a grin, and Son #1 grinning more! My family was altogether again under one roof, smiling and interacting as if this was our normal Friday night! Cliff held Bambina II, while Mini-chick made small talk and big eyes at him. Lovely Espousa and I chatted a few minutes and agreed that the next time we try to do any sort of accomplished shopping, we'll leave the little chickies with Daddy. I am thrilled that Lovely Espousa said she had a great day and would like to do that again with me. I've missed my family as a unit and even though we all tried to make the best of it, this mother's heart was always longing for all her loved ones to be unified as a healthy family. Fortunately it was 18 months instead of 18 years and I look forward to years of improved growth and healing for all of us.

I just don't know how much more gratefulness my heart can handle but I'm willing to try it and thankful for this new joy that's larger than life!

Turn About

My employer is 10 years younger than I. He has a family that he is actively helping raise, is equally active in his church, volunteers constantly and manages a business well. When I was brought on staff a little over three years ago, I was taken back by the level of interaction he had with his team of 14. It was impressive that if the coffee needed to be made or there were empty cups left in the sink, Mr. Boss would make coffee and clean cups. Every birthday was honored with pie or ice cream for the crew, always served by Mr. Boss himself. It's something I hadn't seen in any of the places I've worked over the past 25 years. Through the trials and tribulations I've personally had in my life since my employ, Mr Boss took a vested interest and always offered support morally and sometimes financially too. I am not the only employee to be treated with such graciousness.

Now, week after week I see Mr. Boss coming to work looking rather haggard at times. Sleepless eyes and weakening limbs. He's plagued by a back that more than twinges and during this stressful time of businesses going down, the back was uncooperative. Week after week my stomach's been in knots at the end of the day, wondering if tomorrow the ax will fall.

This past Thursday I was called in for the meeting I've been anticipating. I was almost giddy as we went to the conference room just for the fact of KNOWING what the plan was for me even if it wasn't what I hoped for. I didn't want to be unemployed but at least when you know what's coming your mind set can move in another direction.

As we sat down, we chit-chatted for a minute and I asked Mr. Boss how he was doing. He stated that it's been the hardest time in his life as a business owner. I told him I've been praying for him and our company for months during these trying times. Then, not surprisingly, Mr. Boss said "Unfortunately, things aren't good and we can't continue to operate in the manner we have been and stay in business. Sales aren't going out and receivables aren't coming in. It's economically impossible to continue to operate the way we have been and remain a company." I knew this. Then, surprisingly, Mr. Boss said, "I want you to think about something. As far as the office is concerned, I am going to lay you off, but not lay you off." Huh? What a turn about!

He continued to say, I would be removed from the element in which I work and set up in another room in the building to strictly focus on accounts that haven't been pursued via our database, our ignored house accounts and working on an industry list to generate some sales. Additionally, Mr. Boss said that our company has been considering adding an additional product line of steel and perhaps I would exclusively manage those sales as a separate entity of our company. Go ahead and think about it, he offered. Two seconds went by and I said yes.

I was honored that Mr. Boss felt strongly enough about keeping me on the payroll as an asset to this company and created a place for me. Overwhelmed with thankfulness, really. In the mix of time I was also able to negotiate a little different start/end work day too, which makes my life a bit easier for my evening obligations. We both seemed satisfied when we left our meeting. I thanked him for giving me this opportunity and Mr. Boss said, "see, maybe your prayers are being answered."

I drove home in conversation with God and thanked Him too, for the trust that has been given to me and prayed that this transition, which will be in about three weeks, will go as Mr. Boss has imagined it would with sales numbers improving. They may be slow at first, I reasoned, but asked God that something would be generated in a quick enough time frame so Mr. Boss can breathe a little bit easier and know that he made the right decision in keeping me on in this capacity.

The next evening another shop employee was laid off.

I'm grateful for the fact that I now know I'm powerless but also am assured that I'm in the palm of the One who has His eye on my every breath. I love it even more that this assurance isn't exclusively mine. You can know this too.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."

Phil. 4:6a

*All pics googled*

Anger

In desperation she comes week after week. Expounding on how she has managed to take care of siblings, parents and now her son who's joining the ranks of addiction/alcohol abusers. Week after week, it's pointed out that recovery is for "US." We're not here to fix anyone or counsel anyone. Not at the tables. You want advice? Get a counselor to talk to. You want to change? Get a sponsor to work the steps. Sometimes they are one in the same. Sometimes they are two different people.

No, thank you, she says silently. Her wall is impenetrable. She sets people on edge and they begin to move to different tables week after week. They don't share openly for fear of confidentiality being violated or ignored. Or simply misunderstood in the name of "helping." She has so much brewing beneath the surface; years of anger, frustration and disappointments. A mix of some abuses lies beneath, I would guess. All well controlled, so she thinks. She appears stuck in anger. She seethes when she speaks, you know? Under her planted smile the words scream to be noticed and beg to be justified. They are met with silent disagreement.

She contacts the table leader through email. It seems someone gave her son a cigarette, which violates her rules. She wants heads on plates. How, she wants to know, does a recovery meeting that is faith based, allow cigarettes to be given out. Hmmm...we say that while it may be a bad habit, it's not illegal. Secondly, we say, the choice and responsibility rests with her son. Period.

She's not coming back. I'm not surprised.

I see a mother desperate in trying to control just one area in the life of her son that she sees as heading down the train track in a single car without a conductor, without a brake line, without a net. She's lost her grip on every other area and her heart has been broken, stomped on, kicked and crushed. We were so alike, now so different.

I hope and pray she finds the peace that the 12 steps can bring.