Jobs, anyone?

Let's see.

I think this is the third or fourth Monday out of the last six that we've started the week off with snow. Normally, the snow doesn't bother me much but this year we're starting winter so much earlier than we have in the past that I'm a wee bit worried what January through April will be like. When I was growing up winter was more like this; but we've been seduced into a slumber over the past 20 years thinking we now have the right to expect snow to hold off or rarely appear. Personally, I like the snow and winter weather. I just don't want anyone else on the road when I leave for work tomorrow. I wonder if that can be arranged. :)

Yesterday, Cliff made a committment to someone at church to help out with a ministry project this morning. He said he was going to be there at 9:00 am. The time came for him to get up and I heard his alarm ringing around 7:45. Then silence. As I began to prepare for my day, I called to him to see if he was up. He answered yes, and that he was going to church. Finally, when I was ready I left without word or worry. I did my thing at church and then went to Son #One's for a short visit with Mini-chick and her parents. The weather began to change again so I decided I should head for home. Later, Cliff told me he decided that he needed to make a change in his sleeping arrangement because he was falling back into an old habit so he moved his bedding to the upstairs bedroom and away from the tomb like atmosphere in the basement where you never see the light of day. He also said he realized that he didn't keep his word today and plans to call Mentor and make an apology for his foul.

Now Cliff is upstairs showering and grooming for his annual "first" day hunting for a job. He really doesn't have appropriate winter clothing, but he has to start somewhere and he's preparing himself for tomorrow. Only this annual day is different. He's in control and handling his business without a discussion with me (interpreted to lecture/input/opinion); without me prodding and nagging and without Cliff complaining about the weather and stating he'll wait until Tuesday when the weather's better.

Nothing like that is going on tonight. I like this. I like that he's moving forward positively instead of just yakking about what "he's gonna do." He's just doing.

Ahhh...healthy detachment has it's rewards which encourages me to continue practicing all I've learned in recovery this past year about my part in our relationship and his part in maturing and coming to the line on his own. One lovely day at a time.

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Infectious Insanity

Day by day, though this being only our third day together, conversations have been taking place regarding the past and the future. Mostly, Cliff's been going "there". I've been keenly aware of his presence and his actions. which are SO different than they've been over the past many years. A great calm has rooted itself in Cliff's soul where a noticeable transformation has occurred; Cliff's been going through his past life and remembering some of his actions, choices and behaviors.

Cliff took a quick inventory of my environment and recognized that his hand was in the history of setting this present table. The inventory is not for "things" but for aura; areas of my life are still in a chaos that shows itself in my home. Stacks of old mail to be dealt with, cluttery areas of "stuff" that I just haven't figured out yet if they're necessary or not. I'm certain in the midst of the stuff are things I HAVE to deal with and just don't have the funds required to do so. Thus begins the stack(s).

Now, all of this "stuff" isn't just from life with Cliff. I grew up in a home with stacks of stuff, and now realize that I learned this behavior from a loving mother who was the daughter of an alcoholic. I vividly recall as a young teen, being in homes of friends where order was everywhere. I constantly wondered where their "stuff" was? Where did they keep their bills? Where was the newspaper? Everything must have had a place and it was put there as it should be. Our home wasn't like that and I never grasped having order in my life. I always thought I was just being lazy, but that didn't line up in all areas of my life.

Cliff began talking about his life and the insanity he lived in. He also said, "I know that I created a lot of insanity for you. I didn't realize how infectious it was until I've had a chance to pull out of it and see it in a whole new light. What I did affected people more than I was willing to admit. I always thought you were exaggerating about the impact I was having on you and the rest of my family. I figured "you'd get over it...."

Yesterday we had a great day at my sister's home and for once I was truly able to enjoy the day without wondering where Cliff was or, if he was present, what concocted story I was going to hear next about his having to go somewhere for plans he forgot to tell me he'd made. At first, he was on the outer fringes for just a bit and then slowly began to mix it up with his relatives and I observed him in many conversations with some whom seemed judgemental in the past. Maybe in our infectious insanity it was just me putting up walls for myself and for Cliff; I'm not sure. But I know that yesterday Cliff was quietly open with anyone who engaged him in conversation. No more secrets! This was surely the freedom I've been lacking and longing for in years past.

Finally, it seemed, Cliff is taking his rightful place in this large family and feeling that he is part of it all. He matters to all of us and we love him and want him to be *here* instead of ----------> there.

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Give Thanks

Paws and Pray before you eat today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Fugitive

Cliff and I attended our first meeting together last night and when we broke to tables, someone said to me, "I met your beaming son and you're beaming too!" I had no idea that I was so transparent! I always thought I was very good at playing it cool, so to speak. I figured that I kept an even demeanor in my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions. I'm so wrong about this! I couldn't play poker to save my life.

Cliff and I shared small snippets of heart to heart chatter. We also shared a few laughs and of course broke bread together. At the end of our day Cliff mentioned another meeting for himself this week and who he thought he might like to be sponsored by. I suggested that he consider attending meetings a few more weeks before he make that decision but it was only a suggestion! He will have to figure this out for himself and I will have to keep my nose attached to my own face.

One of the beautiful parts about yesterday is that Cliff seemed genuinely happy to be WITH me. He had to report and meet his parole officer immediately following his release. Soon Cliff , his mentor and I were sitting in the cramped, dirty parole office that will become part of his life for a while. Naturally, the probation/parole community is exactly that. A community of sorts that is the closest thing to a college fraternity that I can imagine most in that room will ever have. We had to wait for almost two hours for Cliff to be processed, drug tested and seen by his P.O. The best part of all of this time though, was watching him interact with his "peers" as you can't go into one of these offices without knowing someone from a past incarceration. He's become much more gentler, agreeable and focused this past year. He seemed to not slip into talking the talk of those he used to try to fit in with. Cliff looked different than the rest. His clothes were neat and he spoke with clarity and grammar like any other professional adult you encounter during a typical day. He even said to several sitting there, "this is my mom." Whaaaaa??? Years past, he wouldn't have had one conversation in front of me with any of his familiar cohorts. He would have tried to demand that I wait in the car despite the cold weather. Grumbling, complaining and criticism would have ruled the day the minute he was a free man.

Cliff's talking about moving forward and perhaps schooling. I could leap out of my skin when he says things like that. Of course, the real proof will be in the pudding which will happen only when this talk becomes actions. Cliff said that for himself and I'm grateful for his self-examination and desire to change his life.

The fugitive no longer lives here.

Yesterday was a long but very good day and I will take it exactly for what it was. No reading into it, no second guessing today or tomorrow or the next.

Grateful, thankful, grateful, thankful......

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The Eve

It's the eve of our reunion, Cliff and me, and my feelings are fleeting and swift between excitement and joy, and, a bit of anxiousness and guarded love. My natural tendency has always been to go full throttle into the relationships of life. I've never held back any affection from those I love and I really don't want to do that now. I just know that God is in this and will keep my heart safely in His hands as I have been learning a healthy detachment from the issues at hand. Not from the person, but from the problems. Less than 12 hours from now, my house will be changed. There will be two occupants, two coffee drinkers, two funny people living here.

I have the rest of this week off from work in order to get re-settled in this house with another adult. Oh, it may be a dance of sorts as we shift and sift, sort and settle. In my way of thinking the majority of the shifting should be on Cliff's part as he comes back home again and tries to find his place in this world but I know that anytime two people share a space, there will be compromising and shifting.

I'm sure it will be scary in ways I don't even know. Having to face life, family and reality without the crutch of a drink or a needle will probably be intimidating. Especially as the holidays approach! Maybe not at first as there's sure to be a natural "honeymoon" of sorts. That re-adjusting period of being around someone all the time will be major for me. And for Cliff, being around someone other than a cell mate and 200 other men dressed alike will be a major adjustment too. In the beginning there will be stories to share, hugs to catch up on and, I hope, peace to be enjoyed. I don't think I'm being naive when I say that the next few weeks will be fine. It will be when the dust settles and the stars in the sky aren't so clear that life may become more of a challenge. Cliff has to find work, which in Michigan, is nearly impossible for someone who's lived a clean life, let alone an addict who has a felony because of his drug usage.

But, God has promised a future and hope to one who puts their trust in Him. I do, and therefore I know that something will come of this for me. What comes for Cliff has yet to be determined but I also know that I will see the hand of God working and weaving as it has so effortlessly this past year. Tomorrow night, Cliff and I will sit at a Twelve Step meeting together for the first time. He will meet my newest, dearest friends and I'm thinking that in due time Cliff will count them the same. Yet, Cliff will make his own friends and claim his own sponsors. He will work this program differently than I but hopefully, with the same results as we seek a common goal. This past year has been a growing and changing year for both of us, all for the better. I can hardly wait to see what I have to write about next Thanksgiving. I hope I'm still blogging and hope that I'll be bragging for God!

Leaving it all in the Hands of the One who has been piecing us back together!

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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Hope In the Storms of Life

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless,

you're slamming the door in the face of God."

~Charles L. Allen~

Hope is the word on which I hang all my desires, dreams and plans. I know I've shared my thoughts before on people calling people hopeless. It sends me, and not in a pleasant way; it puts my blood pressure to the test. Today Pastor Chris spoke about people who live without hope. He talked about the storms of life, which we all have. Some live there by choice or are pulled in because of the people they love, while others, for some unknown reason, seem to be in the midst of storms all their lives. Pastor Chris said that "no one gets to select or schedule their storms in life."

So what do we do in the midst of the storms?

• We pull in our life boats and keep them secure until we really need them.
• We toss over the unneccessary cargo. In other words, Let go and Let God.
• We lower our anchor, meaning we dig deep into our faith and hold on to His hand.
  

As long as I've had faith, I've had hope. But there are times when "neither sun nor stars appeared for many days and the storm continued raging" that I felt as if my hope was lost. Finally when I came to Al-Anon, my spirit settled down and I began to regain some order and sanity in my thinking and my life that allowed me to again believe I have every reason to hope for myself and my addict.

As I go into this week of thanks, I will be sure to take time to reflect on just what God has done for me in the past year.

He restored me to sanity and continues to give me Hope.

Extra Grace Required

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the ocean tides ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR* woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Each week I and others prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down just a few bricks more and our care and love increased. I knew that what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe we're related as parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*
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Walking the Walk

Today's Thoughts from Hazelden delivered this on my birthday.

When we have given our lives back to our Higher Power, we gradually learn to accept what happens to us as part of the plan. Most of us made a mess of trying to run our own lives. We are amazed at how much better things go when we acknowledge that the Power greater than ourselves is in control.

Every experience, the bad one as well as the good one, becomes an opportunity to learn and to serve. We may not like what it is that we are given to do or to feel on a particular day, but we learn to accept it as necessary for our growth. We can look back and see that we have learned even more from our failures than from our successes.

When we accept our lives and ourselves as part of God's creation, we are open to the work of God's spirit and love. Then positive change and growth become possible.

Teach me to accept Your will.
Food for Thought by Elisabeth L.

I have nothing to add. It's perfect for me just the way it is.

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A Birthday Tale

Twas the night before Tuesday
In November that year
Everyone was sleeping
As the dawn drew so near

Dad in his boxers
And Mom in her gown
The sibs tucked in tightly
When Mom woke with a frown

Get up! Oh, Get up!
She quietly said
Get up and get going
Get out of this bed!

It’s time for the birth!
They were pacing the floor,
We really must hurry!
It’s well after 4:00

Into the Hudson
they fled, oh so fast!
It’s coming, It’s coming!
Mom said with a blast

Wait! You must wait!
Dad said with his might
We’ve so far to go in the midst
Of this night!

I can’t! Oh, I can’t!
Mom cried with such flair
Pull over now, There's
Not a minute to spare!

A minute or two
and a faint sound was uttered
The baby was here!
Choice words, they were muttered!

Glancing around this
November dark night
They noticed a blinking
A bright shining light!

Their eyes focused sharply
On something mid-air
And knew in a minute the
Airport was there!

Oh Yes! On that night
I was born in the car
Across from City Airport
In front of “Happy Landings Bar”

This small tale of mine
Tells the night of my birth
It’s funny and true
How I came to this earth!

Happy Birthday To Me! ;)


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On My Knees

She was sitting almost directly across from me. As we began our meeting, many attenders passed when the option to share came to them. This mom looked a little weary, pale and sad. It seems her addict has relapsed again. I don't know any more about this mom than that. I don't know the drug of choice, the recovery length, or even the gender of her addict. All I know is the mom spoke of her own relapse in the process of this life cycle. She found herself repeatedly trying to reach her addict by phone just as she'd done so many times before. Every sentence, every mannerism and every facial expression was as if I was watching my un-recovered self in the mirror. It certainly had me on my toes, so to speak, to be wary and aware of my own recovery should Cliff relapse again. He will be released in under two weeks and the elephant is trying to move in, trunk and all. I refuse to let it take up residence in this house ever again. I don't want to see myself in that frame of mind ever again.

On my knees in prayer and on my toes aware.

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I'm Eighteen

A co-worker's step-son is troubling, to say the least. He's 18 years old, has a "maybe" baby (the family isn't convinced 100% that he's the father) and has been kicked out of his home and his grandmother's home. By all accounts he seems to be rolling head first down the path of a life spent in and out of jail, or worse. He dropped out of school and has been involved in some very questionable activity and was shot through the neck about two weeks ago. His story of that action is unclear. Now, the mom and step-dad find out that he's in the county jail, but they don't know why. It doesn't sound very positive for him, does it?

Yesterday, this hard-nosed step-dad was struggling over whether or not to put a few dollars in the young man's account. Now, I don't know how it is where you are, but here in Michigan you are not given much of anything for free in jail. You have an account and purchase your own soap, tooth brush and toothpaste, etc. If you don't have the money, you pretty much go without or are given a very low, low grade of toiletries that I hear is probably like lye. Either way, you don't get much and if you want anything at all, you have to have a way to pay for it. Additionally, each day you are locked up you are charged a fee, like a motel. When you leave, you have so many days to pay for your visit, or you are in probation violation for which you may be picked up again and locked up. In better times, many men could return to a job or had the means to pay for things, but not in this economy.

Anyway, M was in the office talking about whether or not to put a few bucks in P's account and I was happy to hear a softer, more compassionate side of him. Two other mother's in the office ranted very loudly, "don't do it! Let him go without! Maybe he'll learn a thing or two......." and on and on it went. Somewhere in my mind I kept hearing "stone him, stone him". I've heard comments made that he is "hopeless." These are the moments where I would like to say "Shut the heck up!"

At 18 years old, they call him a "MAN". Most of us know that at 18 a young person is hardly a man or a woman. They are just warming up. Some choose constant choices that are unhealthy, unlawful, or unbelievable. We don't know the history of anyone's life but our own and those closest to us. I'm not advocating that we coddle, ignore or excuse the behavior. But the older I get the more I want to say that NO ONE is hopeless or worthless. These men and women were created for a reason, just as we were. If their choices have been less than wise, they have to learn life's lessons the hard way. Some will stay in this path for the rest of their lives while others will have slow awakenings and become mature in an uncoventional way. But there is ALWAYS hope.

I just don't believe in giving up on another human being, especially at the ripe old age of 18.

That Sinking Feeling

Sometimes I get the feeling that I will always be "stuck" in the chaos of life. I know that the steps are here to help me get out of that feeling but there are days when it's a battle of the old and the new. The old patterns and thinking are rearing themselves up against the new thinking and attempts at taking care of life properly. Once in a while, I still get that sinking feeling.

I have had interesting jobs and experiences. BUT I don't have a degree. That piece of paper has become increasingly required over the years and the older I get the more pointedly obvious that has become. I marvel at so many I meet who were in similar situations as me, yet managed to get a degree and move on financially. What happened to me? It seemed all I could manage was getting to work, feeding and clothing my sons and getting to church. The rest of my time was spent in idle thinking, dreaming, scheming and planning, always wondering why, how and when things would improve. "Someday My Prince Will Come" was my motivational theme song as I longed to live in Happily Ever After Land. Robbing Peter to pay Paul is more accurately descriptive and pinching pennies and singing the blues isn't cutting it. There are days I still feel like I'm over my head in the normal functions of life.

Will the clutter in my mind eventually clear enough that I can finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up and do I still have the time to accomplish that?

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November Snow

Monday Morning, November 10, 2008. Somewhere in Michigan.

This is out my front door and I hope you can see it. It's beautiful but wreaking havoc as the first snowfall usually does. It won't last long. The rest of the week will be warmer again, but we're just being warned of what is to come!

Have a good day!

Gratitude

This week I was knocked down with something icky. It felt like it was coming on for a week prior and then by Tuesday night I was really icky. Stuffy head, watery eyes, sneezing...blah, blah, blah. Wednesday wasn't much better and then Thursday was the worst. Dragging myself to work day after day didn't help but because we don't have a lenient sick day policy I continued to show up and infect everyone else. (Sick day policy = 5 days. 1 day = 4 hours. Go figure!) I think I used up my sick days by January 5th. :)

Anyway, Thursday I left work early because I was absolutely miserable. On the way home, I stopped at a Chinese joint near my house and picked up some spicy garlic dish and soup. When I got home I sucked the soup down fast and decided I wasn't too hungry. I couldn't taste a thing anyway so I sat in my favorite chair, pulled my chenille afghan up to my neck and was down for the count. All afternoon and into the evening I drifted in and out of sleep. Eventually, I woke up rather hungry and had some dinner and was into my 4th or 5th round of snooze when the phone rang.

My eyes lit up as I read that it was Lovely Espousa calling me! I answered the phone and we went into a terrific 45 minute chit chat that was pure gold to me. Nothing about the past, strictly in the day. In the midst, granddaughter wanted to talk on the phone. She's not quite two but kept saying "hi, hi" in the background so her mother handed her the phone.

Let me tell you, this mini-chick and I yakked like there was no tomorrow! Not one word was clear but it didn't matter. For 8 minutes this little thing spoke her language, and when I asked questions, she replied with words that sounded like she was from Babylon. It didn't matter one iota. We laughed together and finally she was done. Lovely Espousa said she and hubby were just watching her because mini-chick has never done this before. L.E. said "she was laying back on the couch and crossed her legs like she was talking to an old girlfriend."

She was.

I went to bed with a heart full of gratitude; the next day I felt so much better and my spirit was much lighter. I saw Lou at our evening meeting and she commented immediately at how much more "up" I looked. Then yesterday, toward the end of a long quiet day spent in my PJ's, Son #One called to see how I was!!

What's going on here??

Have I learned a huge lesson in leaving things in the hand of God when I have no control over them?? Maybe I was blocking the way when He tried to communicate with them....was I manipulating and didn't recognize it for what it was? I honestly don't know but I'm more aware of my actions going forward.

This inventory thing.....stinks. But I'm grateful for the results!!

Keep Coming Back!

At our table last night, we had a newcomer. Look at me, talking about newcomers! Having been in recovery for one year now has changed my life and I'm willing to share that with anyone who allows me the opportunity.

The table decided to do a Step One table for the benefit of Ms. Newbie's first time at an Al-Anon meeting. As different members took their turn to speak, Ms. Newbie listened and seemed to be trying to absorb all that was being said. The underlying theme was to "keep coming back". All the while I tried to stay completely focused but must admit that my mind went back in time to different seasons of my life when I tried Al-Anon without success. I was so desperate to make a connection and get some healing but nothing came to me at the time. Caring attenders would say, "try another group", but I guess I wasn't ready.

When it was my turn to share, I recalled how much sanity had been restored to my life this past year and that I didn't realize just how crazy my thinking had become. Flashback to trying to out think Cliff the junkie. That's like trying to out think a terrorist. If you aren't a junkie or a terrorist, which in my mind can be interchangeable, how can you possibly out think them and try to determine their next step? I approached things as if I were John Wayne and that my posse of three, (me, myself and I) was going to head him off at the next pass and stop the insanity. Oh, Thank You Lord for clearing my head!! Woo Hoo!!

Finally when Ms. Newbie spoke up she said, "I get the feeling that I'm not going to get my answers to my questions from this table tonight. For instance, if my son who's an alcoholic says he wants to borrow my car to go to a meeting and then instead takes it to buy alcohol, what do I do? Is there someone who will tell me the guidelines or do I just listen to everyone else and something will come to me?"

Most of the longtimers had "all-knowing" smiles on their faces and said "keep coming back. Get a sponsor and you will find through time and daily meditations in your books how to find your answers. Pay attention to the longtimers who you will see here regularly and you can ask one of them to be your sponsor." One of the longtimers at my table must be in her upper 70's and I just love sitting near her and hearing what she has to say. Her Courage to Change book is well worn and falling apart. I so appreciate all the regular attendees that come and give reassuring words, smiles and hugs that all will be better than it is at this moment.

It felt so good to have one year behind me and I'm looking forward to two, three, four and more years ahead of me. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Living a Twelve Step way of life is just plain good living. I'm so grateful to God that several years after my first time, He led me back again and I just "keep coming back!"

Happy Saturday!

Sought Through Prayer and Meditation....

Prayer and meditation is a minute by minute thing for me. Yes, there are times I sit down and exclude all other sounds, sights, and noise for a more intimate reading and setting. But there are days where my every thought and word is to God and God alone. While I'm driving in the car, He hears my prayer and thoughts toward Him. Sometimes they're full of thankfulness and praise. Sometimes they're loaded with anguish and asking for His peace to help me remain steadfastly in His love.

Steadfast in my faith is something I am always working on. When life is overwhelming for me, I often turn to sugar in a most unhealthy consumption. In the past it would be staying in a relationship that was so unhealthy for me but it seemed better than nothing. All I know is I've been in a chaotic lifestyle with many detrimental responses for the majority of my adult life. Only when I seek God through prayer and meditation and improving my conscious contact with God will I learn His will for my life and be able to grasp the power He gives to carry it out.

Steadfast. Firm. Resolute. Unfaltering. Unshakable. Unwavering. Unswerving.



May it be with me and with you.