Politics, Shmolitics....

There's nothing good to watch on TV because there's to many commercials with talking heads. The junk mail isn't any fun either. No freebies. Just pictures of the talking heads.

Mom says, if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all. I guess grown-ups don't have to live by that rule.

Eight more days of this stuff. Then, I can watch my Baby Einstein videos again!

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

Where's My Cape?

How come I forget this? Why have I gone all these years on my own strength? Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

When I realize that I am not even remotely alone in handling life, I become so much happier and positive and believing for the results that are promised to me.

I try to start my day in the promises that God gives. But sometimes, the old life, the enemy, the evil one, whatever you want to call it, tries to take away my joy by dragging the old past into my thoughts. The adversary would like to see me rolling around in the slop crying out, "woe is me" loudly for all to hear. God says to not look ahead or behind because today has enough worries of it's own. If those old problems or new worries are going to come at me, I will stay in the present and deal with it in God power.

So my new thought, my new planted promise is that the Creator of the Universe is on my side! Whew, is that empowering or what??

Now, I'm going to put on my cape (putting on the full armor of God) and start my Sunday in joy!


"God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."

Eph 6:11, The Message

Accountability

I think the hardest part of recovery for anyone is being accountable to someone else. Heck, it's the hardest part of life for most people I know. Cliff and I talked tonight and he said he's scared to take this step. I appreciate his honesty.

In my thinking I recall the years I battled accountability therefore, being anxious and actually denying information from those closest to me. I didn't want them to call me on my choices or behavior. So, if I didn't disclose it, they couldn't ask me about it. There, I sat in my chair with my arms folded. Humph! I double dog dare you to ask me something about my destructive private life!

Thank you, thank you, thank you God, for bringing me to a close group who called me out of that stinking thinking and thank you that Cliff is being honest with himself and honest with me. Steps taken that have never been tread before. It's so freeing to be honest enough with someone else that you can be held accountable. It's not always gonna be a "touchy-feely" moment. In fact, it's gonna be sticky and sometimes painful, but I don't want to go back to living my life with Walter Mitty.

No, thank you.

To Accept This Thing I Cannot Change

Something happened a week ago that I've been trying to process and deal with and it's killing me inside. Due to the very personal nature of this thing it's best I not write about it here except to ask for prayer from those of you who will.

We need a healing here and I sure as heck don't get it, but I have no control over the situation and that's what is hurting me so much. We talked, hashed, discussed, explained and are still standing on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Trusting God for the outcome and the ability to accept this thing I cannot change is all I can do but it hurts, I'm deeply sad and I don't like it.

Till the next time....

JOY!

Still floating on the words that were written in the letter from Cliff, I wanted to share something more with you.

By now, many of you have read the letter from my prior post and are encouraged as I am of the words he wrote. My little sister and I caught up by phone last night (an hour and 10 minutes worth!). She lives in WY and has been very active in recovery for about six years, I think (I'm so proud of you!). When we were yakking last night, I read her Cliff's letter. She said, "that's a letter from a MAN." Wow. I can hardly choke back my emotions when I re-read the letter and hear those words.

That brings me to this. Yesterday at a small, intimate study I go to, one of the questions we were discussing was "What circumstances in your life are not working out, or didn't work out as you thought God would work them out?"

My mentor shared of a very difficult time when she was involved in a ministry that God removed her from. As she shared her heartache the other participant and I agreed that we were so blessed to have her now in our lives as a result of the change that occurred in hers. I had a moment to reflect again on the question and looked at the second part of it; What circumstances didn't work out as you thought God would work them out.

One year ago, when I started recovery meetings and attending church regularly again, I couldn't have imagined that I would be this healthy person looking forward to my son coming out of prison. All I could do then was beg God for relief for myself and intervention in Cliff's life. This relationship was so close to being severed forever in my way of thinking. I never, ever imagined receiving letters like I have the past few months, or having conversations with my son who is clearly maturing and becoming healthy in mind, body and soul.

"We will heal and learn together instead of against one another."

That fills me with so much joy! My God is working this out in a much greater way than I ever would have believed would be done for me. I said I believed it but my heart wouldn't wrap around it.

Oh me, of little faith!

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Eph 3:20,21 The Message

Letters

Cliff has been comfortable calling me on a fairly regular basis. I'm always glad to talk with him, especially this time around. He's really been different and I have to believe that even if Cliff doesn't realize it, God is working in his heart and life. It's throughout his conversation. This past week when he called and we were talking in general, Cliff said he wanted to tell me something. We had been talking of my letters and about some of the copies of this blog I've sent to him. He said he thought of writing me a letter but since we were talking he may as well just tell me.

I said "no, don't! I'd much rather get a letter!" So, I got my letter.

Well it's Wednesday, just another day to me. I talked to you a good bit yesterday so I don't have much to write.

I'll start by commenting on your writings. You may or may not have thought that some of them might be hurtful. But if you have thought it, don't worry. It's a little hard to read sometimes because of the shame, but it's not hurtful. I think your writing is healthy for you and me. It's good for me to hear about this stuff from your perspective. You've told me how you felt before but it has sunk in more reading it. You've already heard my apologies, but they will mean nothing until I change, which I have. But you won't be able to see it until I'm on your side of the fence again. Thank you again for the chance to show it. We will heal and learn together instead of against one another. I love you Mom.

This letter will go with the few other keepsakes I've saved over the years from people I love. It assures me that God is hearing my prayers, and the prayers of others for Cliff and giving me a peace that passes all understanding. It brings me peace not just because Cliff wrote down some nice words, but because Cliff's words have been consistently the same this year. No wavering from day to day or week to week. No more blaming. I'm not naive enough to think that we won't let each other down or that there won't be a relapse. But overriding the typical thoughts of possible results, is faith in God's touch on Cliff's life and mine. He is with us, no matter what.

Staying in the present and looking forward to the future, no matter what the outcome.