Applying Blame :)

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit down for a month."

~Source Unknown~

Amends Gone Awry

Blink, blink. You're not gonna believe this one. Well, maybe you are, but I'm still shaking my head in a confusing way.

Having now been involved in meetings for over one year (woo hoo) and also in some personal studies of faith, I felt God was urging me to make an amends to my ex-husband, Cliff's dad. We had a volatile, unhealthy marriage through and through. I was a very young, very unworldly girl; he was equally as young but came from a very different home than I. Being the son of dual alcoholics, Daddio was totally inept in the matters of healthy relationships. I, Miss Pollyanna, was a total enabler and co-dependent in training. I clearly remember the thought that all Daddio needed was someone to love him and treat him with kindness. Surely, he'd turn around and be a better man. Smile.

Thirty-five years later, I know I've changed and I hoped in his life he had grown too. We've been mostly cordial to each other since our divorce and I will always care. Afterall, we have two grown sons and now grands in our life. We will always have to interact and God says, be at peace with ALL men, when possible. So, this is possible. Anyway, having had some spiritual growth this past year, I felt that I needed to make amends with Daddio for some things in our marriage that were on my plate. I thought about it for weeks and bounced it off my mentor and she agreed.

Early one day this week, I wrote an email to Daddio. Here's an excerpt from my note to him:

"Last year, when Cliff was hitting the skids, I began going to some 12 step meetings and also doing a personal study with my mentor...All this to say that sometimes I still get a wave of grief over me for the hurts I caused you and the break in our marriage when ____________. I can't take it back or change anything and I know we probably briefly talked before but now I am asking you for your forgiveness. I'm not sure I ever asked for that before but God's been pressing it on me to get this thing cleared up once and for all. I hope you can find it in your heart to do that. I'd really rather have had this conversation in person but I don't have your number any longer........."

And here is Daddio's note back to me, condensed of course:

"Not sure where to begin. The baggage at times is quite large when it comes to Cliff. Forgiveness is not so much the issue but Cliff's lack of response in his letters to me concerning his attempts to improve his situation while in jail. Several times I asked him if he is........."

What in the world?!?

The remainder of his note was about Cliff and what Daddio thinks Cliff's failing to do along with a reference to the fact that the fall is here and this always seemed to be Cliff's time of year that he begins his slide. I was stunned as I re-read his reply. It was all about Cliff! I burned for a few minutes and thought about how to reply. I hastily dashed a note back asking if he even read my email. I said "this wasn't about Cliff. I'm asking for it...for me...about our marriage." Then of course, I added an addendum. "By the way"..... And mentioned a bit of Cliff's progress and that if he wanted to know things instead of assuming things, he should write Cliff directly and ask him questions.

Daddio replies "Each correspondence from you in the past has been about Cliff, Sorry. As far as Cliff goes.......

Noooooooo! Here we go again! I wanted to scream to someone to let me off this ride!! Daddio also said "If he needs to write to me let him write (like I have anything to do with that). I may not reply one for one but I'll write back."

My wings were flapping like mad! Finally I flung a retort his way again saying that he doesn't NEED to write. He would like to correspond with you, Daddio, I wrote. But if you are going to only lecture or chew him out, don't bother. Talk about life....not focusing only on what he is or isn't doing. He already spends enough time going through that over and over again.

Okay, so my amends didn't go as planned. I let myself be pulled back into a challenge, or did I? I have sort of been shrugging it off since then. Evidently the amends aren't as important to Daddio as they are to me. Or he chooses not to forgive me and that's his choice. But to not even read my email??

Ahh...I love when things remain the same.

Walk by Faith

Our meeting was small in attendance last night. On occasion the mix is totally different than what you might expect and I like when that happens. It seems to bring a whole different spirit to the sharing time at hand. A woman came to my table last night and was a bit weary and weepy and sort of quiet. Eventually she began to open up and, like so many of us Mom's, wept over a current situation that is affecting one of her adult children by an alcoholic father (her ex-husband). Shortly after, she opened up a little more about losing a son a few years ago but didn't elaborate.

Following the meeting we talked a little more intimately about our sons. It seems he was a statistic of the following:

"In the United States in early 2006, a rash of deaths was attributed to either a combination of fentanyl and heroin, or pure fentanyl masquerading as heroin particularly in the Detroit Metro Area; one news report refers to the combination as 'laced heroin', though this is likely a generic rather than a specific term."

It stopped me in my tracks. I knew this was happening around us and yet I hadn't known anyone affected until now. Not only that, but her father, whom she had been caregiving for, died just a few days before and so she buried her father and son within 3 days of each other.

How did she do this? She lived through my biggest fear and seems to be managing life.

In my old way, my answer would have been "you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on." Now I know the truth, and the truth is that you lean even harder into the arms of your Heavenly Father. Only there can you gather the strength to face what seems insurmountable. These must be the days you walk by faith even when nothing seems right in your world. Each day I realize more and more how the steps must be part of my everyday thinking.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

T Minus 63 and Counting.....

That's how many days are left until Cliff becomes a free man. Well, sort of free. He'll be paroled and then Cliff will find out what his requirements will be.

Cliff is making his plans and most of them seem sound and attainable. He's heard about some possible job leads. His cellmate, a man of 65, has been incarcerated since he was 28 years old. No chance for parole. Murder. But he has children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren that visit him on occasion. His mother is still alive and they communicate regularly. It seems as a young man, Grandpa ran with a troubling crowd and "took care" of a few people. His life, now with regret, will be lived out behind those cement walls forever.

When Cliff was first assigned to this cellmate I was anguishing inside. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't wring my hands, but I know my intestines were curling up just at the thought of this situation. Cliff had violated probation more than a few times and as a repeat offender became Level 2 in the system. Level 1 is sort of like a fraternity~they play cards all the time and make plans to meet again when they "bust outta the joint." But in Level 2, many inmates know that this is going to be home for a long time, perhaps forever. Things aren't pleasant and rosy. In one phone conversation we had, it was very clear that Cliff learned to lay low, not join up with to many other inmates and to always be on guard. He said being immature would get him stabbed. More comforting words were never spoken.

Now the days are passing by so swiftly for me but most certainly like molasses for Cliff. It's all based on our own persepctive, isn't it? Cliff has a job lead from Grandpa who knows some legitimate business men. Somehow through his early life he's been affiliated with some respected names in our part of the world. Grandpa's also been quite grandfatherly to Cliff and said he wants him to have the life he should have lived and to never see or hear that he's back behind bars again. He's encouraged Cliff to find out about school and has consistenly urged him to move forward in his life.

My view of Grandpa has changed over time. I find now that I often ask Cliff how Grandpa's doing and about his family. I pray for Grandpa often. I can't imagine what it would be like to NEVER leave a place like that. His mother is in her 80's and has had some health concerns. It saddens me to think that when she leaves this world, Grandpa cannot have his goodbye with her in the familiar ways of life. That happened somewhere long ago in a court room.

Now the days are counting down and the pieces of the puzzle are scattered about, waiting to be put in their proper place. The final placement of these pieces is up to Cliff.

I'm guardedly optimistic, fervently hopeful in prayer.

A Good Time Was Had By......

ALL

The gathering of the Clan was nearly rained out. The weather in Michigan has been quite nice this year ~ the summer was pleasant without to much humidity or intolerable temperatures. However, it was the driest August we've seen in noted record-keeping. On Saturday, just when the family was beginning to congregate, the skies opened up and delivered incredible rains. I'm not complaining one iota. Given the barrage of life-threatening storms that others are trying to endure we had it easy and, actually, I'm rather grateful for the rain. It poured so hard that we stayed together under the roomy and dry pavilion all day long and into the evening. Cards were played, guitars were strummed, and because of the self-containment under the covering, many conversations occurred that might have otherwise been missed.

A good time was had by all who were there. In my own immediate family five states were represented (including Michigan, our home state). A mention was made to remember or think of those not present due to distance or inconvenient dates; a moment of silence was offered up for ones we loved that have passed on. A cake was enjoyed for those who were celebrating birthday's this month.

These are the moments that are a struggle when one (Cliff) is not attending because he's in prison or still living on the streets, or worse, missing in action. Years of birthday celebrations, holidays and picnics have been missed by half my heart. I should be used to this by now and my spirit is much better at these get-togethers than in years gone by. My joy was not robbed by anything this weekend!

I was in the present and enjoying the day for what it was. I listened to conversations more attentively. I looked into the eyes of those I love and heard their life stories since last we met. My thoughts weren't wondering why they didn't ask me about Cliff. This reunion wasn't about Cliff. It was about those we had in our midst that day and realizing that in two years, when and if we meet again, some won't be with us because they are no longer on this earth.

I'm growing in my recovery and more and more grateful for this program that works, heals and mends.

Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here!

One by one they're coming back to their old stomping grounds. Inch by inch they're taking over. By tomorrow at noon, they'll be munching and crunching, laughing and toasting, hugging and loving and yakking and napping.

Yes, it's a reunion! A family reunion of the McAlpine clan, descendents of Robert and Florence. Because it's in September we won't be as strong in number as years gone by but the gaiety and joy will be huge!

I'll write again after the calm resumes in my neck of the woods.

Thinking and praying for those in the path of Ike.

Comforting Words

Two other mothers I know were talking with me yesterday about their sons, also currently incarcerated for lifestyle choices demanded by addiction. You'd think by now, that someone in our governing hierarchy would see that treating addiction at an early age without punishment might be a deterrent. Ahh....off on a tangent, I am!

So, in our conversation, the Moms and I were discussing the "programs" that were deemed necessary in order for these men, our sons, to be considered eligible for parole. First, they had to hold a job within the prison system. Second, classes with homework had to be attended for educating the addict/alcoholic regarding their diseases. This was a two part class, Phase 1 and Phase 2. Third, AA classes were also to be part of their weekly routine. I listened to Mother number one as she talked of the frustration regarding these requirements to the simple fact that her son is on a "waiting list" for EVERYTHING. Mother number two concurred. I felt an overwhelming sigh of relief.

Why? Because every time Cliff and I have spoken, I have asked about his work, or lack thereof. He would constantly tell me how many times he kited for available jobs, kited to be put on waiting lists for AA and kited about starting a Phase 2 class. Phase 1 ended abruptly as the instructor was either discharged or quit; Cliff has heard rumors both ways. Nevertheless, those who had completed and turned in all their assignments were given a "completion" for Phase 1 and were put on the list for Phase 2. What Mother number one did for me, was reduce the little bit of uneasiness I would experience each time Cliff and I talked about his inactivity in prison. I was told and hoping that in prison he would be getting a few life skills preparing him for the real world when he's paroled.

Think again, Mom.

Fortunately for Cliff's sake, he has decided to set up his own plans for his release. He was granted parole as he met all the qualifications the best he could. In the past doing his best wouldn't fly but the prisons in Michigan are so overcrowded they don't have the staff to provide the classes, nor the jobs available. Parole would have been instantly denied no matter what the reason was for non-completing those outlined requirements.

Cliff starts each day with physical fitness, keeps his space orderly and his clothing neat and clean. They do keep an eye on that much. He's stayed totally out of trouble, no gambling over card games, no fights with other inmates and has tested negative for every single drug test that's been given. He's had little to no money in his account to barter for anything that might allow him to mask the results of a drug test. He's beginning a mentoring program with a man from my church which will continue upon Cliff's release. In a recent conversation he told me that he's grown up a lot this year. The better part of that, though, is I hear it in our conversation.

Mom number one and two soothed my uneasiness that Cliff was pulling one over on me by saying that he kites constantly and gets nowhere. I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open for any possibility of being taken advantage of again. I hope and pray for the day that I can take Cliff at his word and never wonder if it's the truth. That, however, is in Cliff's court and only time will bridge that gap.

I'll be a'waitin!

STATISTICS

I decided a long, long time ago to stay away from statistics. I want to know facts but not numbers. Statistics, polls and other such information causes me to become disheartened and disenchanted with the world around me and the future that may lay ahead. This will only cause me to wring my hands and worry.

I quit expending energy spent on the why and how of the chaos of my life and my loved ones. That has only tied me into a bondage of worthlessness that I'm fighting so hard to get over. How can I look at my part in that statistic and not feel guilt?

Sadness and grieving are enough reality pulse points for me. They need to come and they do, but they are not setting up camp in my life anymore. Not one more minute will I give to wasted moments and days in life. No more "vacancy" signs are hanging in my thought life for stinkin' thinkin'. I choose to look up always and look ahead to brighter days, more fruitful choices and greater blessings I know await me.

"So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us."

Philippians 3:15 The Message

THIS DAY

THIS DAY

by Micky Meyer Mathewson

Yesterday is gone now,

Tomorrow is yet to be,

I must live my life,

In this day's reality.

I'll not spend my time

Thinking of the past,

Or planning for the future,

This day, I'm free, at Last!

I'll forgive myself,

For errors I have done,

I'll keep my planning flexible,

For each new day to come!

This day I'm not the same,

A new and different me,

Gives thanks for joy and promise,

For blessings yet to be!

New vision floods my mind,

Fresh opportunities,

New chances for fulfillment,

Great possibilities!

I'll make each moment count,

I'll try to do and say,

The things that give life meaning

I may only have THIS DAY!

Sort of perfect for recovery and staying in the day, don't you think?

The Doorway To Recovery

The above website (post title) is currently under construction. Isn't that appropriate for an alcoholic living the life of recovery?

Mark Burchell, the founder of The Doorway to Recovery ministry, was given a vision to provide safe, transitional housing for men and women choosing to find a way to overcome alcohol or drug addictions. Mark himself has walked in those shoes and traded up for a different pair since walking through the doorway to recovery. A fine balance is necessary if you're going to offer a hand up to someone in need but not everyone living the life of recovery carries all those attributes. God has blessed and gifted Mark with truth, action and compassion, and it's evident in the work Mark and his team put forth by the results of this teams efforts to honor God with their lives.

Lou (http://brokenheartedmom.blogspot.com/) and I went to a local radio station yesterday to speak with Mark on his program broadcast throughout the Detroit area and on the web. It was time well spent and a great discussion from the perspective of the co-dependant/enabler. Hopefully, a listener or two will have heard something in our conversation with Mark that will give them hope, comfort and a new direction in dealing with the ones they love in the clutches of death. Lou and I seemed to be in sync for certain and worked well together. When our hour was up, they nearly had to pry the headsets off of us. "No, I don't want to take them off. I'm not finished talking!", I thought. :)

The biggest emphasis we hope to make was to stress that we are not alone, nor are we expected by God or others to carry this load on our shoulders. Such a mixed message is sent out in this culture via media, friends, schools and churches. The disciples were never expected to go anywhere alone. They were always sent out by two's for safety, encouragement and to uphold each other in temptations.

Mark's been given support that way too. He doesn't carry the message alone or independently. Most of all, he doesn't carry any part of his ministry without prayer.

We are all under reconstruction until the day we die. Hopefully, God alone is being allowed to be the re-creator of our lives and open a door for us to step through to recovery.

"For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking,

[the door] will be opened. "

Matthew 7:8 The Amplified Bible

Music, Music, Music

Like so many of you, I'm a lover of music. My favorite choices run the gamut from the 1940's crooners along with Big Band to the current artist Lou Bega, performing Mambo #5. I cannot stay still when I hear that zesty little number! Having spent my formative years in ballet class, I've also come to have a great love and interest in classical music when my soul longs for soothing moments, while jazz and classic rock play a part in my nearly daily choices too. Most of my Cd's are compilations of these favorites I've put together myself.

What I most love about music is that when my quiet time or my aching heart have no words because of the pressing issues of life, I find that music can bridge the gap or speak my heart for me.

There are times in my life, and only God could do this, when my world was crashing down yet despite all the outward circumstances, I was waking up with praise music in my heart. I knew that wasn't coming from me, but from prayers that were lifted up on my behalf for my current dilemma.

Psalm 28:7 says:

The Lord is my strength and shield.

my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

And I will give thanks to Him in song.

I have an older CD that I listen to during different periods of my life and when I "rediscover" it, I chide myself for not listening to it more often. Recently when I pulled out this CD, it had a different effect on me than ever before now that I'm in recovery meetings. The title is Along The Road and the performers are Ashton, Becker and Dente. The album title and song of the same name on the CD are by Dan Folgelberg. However, there are a few selections on this album that really soothe my soul and lead me into trust, faith and calm when needed. To me, it's an awesome and clear reminder of the daily choices that come my way.

If you click on today's post title, you will be taken to a list of the cuts from this CD (#10 on the playlist) and you can listen along if you'd like.

What Am I

Used to be my life was a page of white

Then You wrote Your name on my heart

And I began to see the image clear with every line

As You became the author of my soul, so the story goes

Now every day I stand before two roads

And every day I'm faced with a choice

To follow other signs or read the writing on my heart

But one is always fiction, one is true, so You're the road I choose,

'Cause what am I without You, what am I

And looking at the pages in the story of my life

The core of my existence flows from You, from any point of view

So what am I without You, what am I and what's the use

What am I without You, what am I

Wayne Kirkpatrick & Billy Sprague

© 1994 Emily Boothe, Inc. / Magic Beans Music (BMI) / Skin Horse, Inc. / BENCAP (ASCAP)

God's peace to you!