Saturday!

I love easy going holiday weekends. Today, I will pick up my granddaugter Kenzie and spend the better part of it with her and my niece Isabelle who is 6 years old. It will be filled with popsicles, leisurely walks, sidewalk chalk and many renditions of "Go Dog Go" and my favorite "Are You My Mother?". Kenzie, who is all of 20 months old, is just getting to the point of being able to sit and look at some of the pages while I actually do a little reading. She's learning to mimic a few words here and there and hearing her little voice brings me more joy than I could have imagined.

Tomorrow, my friend Lou and I are going to be on a live radio show called Doorway To Recovery on AM 1400 WDTK, which can be heard online. This show is for anyone in recovery from addiction, alcohol or any other shackled lifestyle and those affected by these choices and lifestyles. Lou and I both have sons in different prisons due to their life choices with addictions. We met at a recovery group not that long ago and had an immediate kinship which has quickly become a huge blessing in my life.

It's going to be a wonderful weekend!

Sooner or Later...

"Sooner or Later we give up all hope of having a better yesterday."

As soon as I walked into the "family" meeting at a nearby hospital where one of my beloved sons was being treated for addiction, the above statement written on the blackboard quickly caught my eye.

It took hold of my thoughts and sort of shook me hard. A reality check to be sure. Nothing I said, nothing I did would change the past and give me better memories or stories to share. It also helped me quit thinking "If only I" or sing the old familiar tune called "Coulda, woulda, shoulda".

I always found this a difficult balance though. Misunderstanding the guidelines of faith, I often found myself climbing back onto the horse of guilt and trying to balance all the saddle bags that came with it.

It's only when I put everything at the foot of the cross and let God completely control my life, am I capable of leaving the past in the past and to learn from it. Only then can I grasp that having a better yesterday is never going to happen and it's okay. It's only when I remember that what happens in anyone else's lives, including mine and my sons, is between God and the person. It's not for me to control, manage or vary. Reshaping everyone else's life isn't in my job desription.

The above statement keeps my life in check. With that, the following verse completes it:

"But I do one thing. I forget everything that is behind me and look forward to that which is ahead of me."

Phil 3:13 NLV

Protective Custody

Life is funny. Not always funny ha-ha, but funny peculiar, funny absurd or funny nuts.

Cliff called me this pleasant day and we were chit-chatting about nothing much really. The type of conversations I pray to have when he's living life outside those prison walls. We yakked about the Olympics, a funny Seinfeld episode he watched the other day (we're both Seinfeld freaks) and life in general when suddenly Cliff said "One of the guys I've played cards with a few times, asked to be put into protective custody."

I asked what he meant. Well, it seems that Card Shark was getting heroin from others in the Big House and didn't have the money to repay his debts. They were accumulating quickly as drug debts do. Somewhat flabbergasted at the scenario, I questioned him again for clarity and understanding of this situation. When the debts became to much (about $500) and Card Shark was being threatened he was able to ask for protective custody from the dealers INSIDE THE PRISON WALLS and be placed in a "safe place." Hmmm....I said that's what I thought was keeping Cliff safe from his dealers trying to deal, and he said yes in a way, but not really. Cliff said, and I know this, that prison is "ghetto living behind big walls". Card Shark is now safe in "the hole" while they look for another place to ride him out to.

Rhetorically I asked why Card Shark would not take advantage of this place to be free from that lifestyle. Cliff went into a wonderful and clear explanation of the fact that Card Shark has not changed his style of living or thinking at all. He said it was all about choices Card Shark was making and that Card Shark was "choosing" to remain in the ghetto of addiction whether he's living inside prison or out on the streets. Cliff said it's all about choosing a better way and no one could choose that for Card Shark. Truer words were never spoken, especially out of the mouth of one of my babes.


Can I get a "Hallelujah"?

Still Coping?

Coping, or my version of it, was beyond healthy in any capacity. In spite of coming from a large family I dearly love, being helped in a day to day way was out of the question. As Detroit changed dramatically, my circle of family and friends were spread out and separated in locality just as dramatically. When a family enters a crisis lifestyle, which is what it was for us, being separated from loved ones can really send you reeling into another dimension entirely.

Due to the unconscious rewinding and replaying over and over again of words that were derogatory, my mind battled between truth and lies. Somehow, the lies seemed to set the stage for decisions I made for years beyond. My marriage was so unhealthy that I looked for acceptance, love, and self-worth through men who would say what they thought I needed to hear. The problem was, I was such an empty vessel, I fell for one after the other thinking "this was it!"

Boy, was I out of my mind. With the thinking that was stinking up my life, how was I parenting, working or functioning in a healthy and positive way? The debris around my life clearly states that I wasn't functioning as well as I thought. I just didn't see the effects on my life as they truly were. All of this without a drink or drug in sight.

I had close friends and a church family who helped me in many ways, but often I just wasn't able to share the deepest struggles regarding me or my sons (keeping secrets). Sometimes when I did share, people often didn't know what to say or how to help me. I wasn't healthy enough to either see or hear or was to prideful when God placed others in my path to help. Years later, I'm picking up pieces and putting myself back together to be the person God was always encouraging and intending for me to be.

Step One is as meaningful to me as to any one else in a Twelve Step program.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.


Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole.

Coping?

Coping skills and co-dependency may be interchangable. For years people would pat me on the back for having great fortitude or the ability to stick with it. They had no idea that mentally I was going out of my mind. My friend Lou posted a statement the other day that has been rolling around in my thoughts.

Lou posted: "I did find one interesting statistic: the affected spouse/parent/loved one of an addict lives with the situation for an average of 7 years before seeking help." If this is true, I'm one messed up woman.

Somehow, through the upbringing of loving parents, I thought that I was supposed to handle all these problems because I was the one who made choices to marry young and encountered all that came with it. In a healthy marital relationship, this would be true. You know, for better, for worse...

Going home was not presented as an option. Talking about it wasn't a good idea either as you played the cards you're dealt. Misunderstanding my faith at times meant I should stick with it, all of it, "till death do us part" and as for parenting there is no concrete line to draw from. I don't think till death do us part meant abusive relationships.

Spending my early adult years with a mate who was raised by dual alcoholic parents opened my eyes to things I'd never seen nor heard before. The constant chaos was unimaginable. My parents were fairly awesome parents given all they had to deal with through their 53 years. One thing they didn't do is belittle or speak in derogatory ways to each other. But, when my mate spoke to me, I couldn't believe the things I heard or the names thrown at me. How could he say he loves me one minute and then talk to me like this the next? How was I not supposed to hear those words that played over and over again in my mind and still haunt me today?


"This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?"

James 3:9-11, The Message

More on coping to follow.....

The Eyes Have It

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way"

I had minor eye surgery yesterday removing a congenital cataract from my left eye. No guarantee was given that my vision would improve, but God has already given me some improved vision! It seems that not only am I seeing better with my eyes, but perhaps with my heart.

"I think I can make it now, the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared"

What Twelve Steps has done for me is indescribable in the written word. My first meeting was attended as many of you have heard before, to help someone I love deal with and be healed from addiction. It wasn't to long after, that I realized these meetings were for me to deal with myself while someone I loved had an addiction. That's a Big Diff!

No longer is my life revolving around getting Cliff clean and sober. That's up to Cliff and God. My life revolves around being the most complete, whole and healthy person that God always intended me to be. Selfish? Not at all. I used to think so but have learned (and am finally believing) that I am allowed to take care of myself and focus on myself in a healthy way.

Little by little I'm seeing more clearly and day by day the pain is lessening. Yes, I know I will be hurt again and I know I will be fighting to not give advise, fighting to not be in control because I know what's best (right), and fighting myself to see the truth in the light of God's truth.

"How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye."

Matthew 7:3-5 NLT

The Ties That Bind

"Peggy?"

"Yes?" She looked at me expectantly.

"I'm your cousin, Laura"

Peggy stood up and we embraced for a good 30 seconds. Figuring backwards it seems that it's been possibly 35 years since we last saw each other. When I was young I was always stunned when my mom would say it had been years since she had seen this friend or that family member. I swore that would never be the case for me. Hah!

Approximately 45 years ago, Peggy's mom picked up and left her husband, left Michigan and fled to Texas. She'd had enough of the physical abuse and alcoholic behaviors that threw such chaos into their home. Peggy's mom was my mom's only sibling and married someone just like her Dad, our grandfather. That could be an honor in some homes, but in Peggy's home it left only scars and broken hearts. Another family generation fractured by alcohol and all the demons that come along for the ride.

Here we were so many years later at a family wedding, rapidly comparing notes of who lives where, what marriages were performed, the children that came along and the deaths that occurred much to early. More importantly we talked about what hurts are hidden in our hearts. It's funny how some family relationships never gel even though you're related, while others seem as natural as having just met for lunch every week for years. This reconnection came very naturally. Mostly what reconnected us, was being able to talk of our heartaches with nary a thought of judging or fear of rejection. Just love and prayers for our children that keep us on our knees often.

The ties that bind are more than blood and if prayer's involved it's the strongest one yet.

"By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."

Ecclesiastes 4:11-13, The Message

The Maturing Process

Does the maturing process change an addicted or alcoholic person? I'm not sure about that but something is different with Cliff.

Our conversations are not all about him, if you know what I mean. Cliff's not asking for money, he's not whining about his situation or justifying his choices. No, our conversations instead are about life, about his future and relationships. He listens to me as well as makes sound statements about himself. I know he's clean right now (and some may think that's because he's incarcerated but he could use in there too and isn't) and that certainly puts a different light on life but I believe Cliff is a changed man. He's calmer, he's listening and many times before while locked up there was a great deal of anger, but this time, I don't hear anger. That's a milestone to be sure!

Tuesday is Cliff's 28th birthday. I think he's really getting tired of this life. He's remorseful for all the past and lost years, but knows that he still has a shot at changing his life and starting fresh again. I know God's hand has been on Cliff's life repeatedly when I go over the situations and results of his choices. God knows there's also so much more I don't know that I've been shielded from! Come to think of it, God's hand has been on my life too. Thank you, Lord.

Anyway, something is different with Cliff and it's a positive difference. Today I'm in a content and peaceful state of mind and I'm going to eat blueberry pancakes and drink coffee and be thankful.

Keep growing Cliff...it's a good, good thing.

The Big Picture

About 8 years ago at a women's meeting with women from my church, we were discussing a variety of topics. Suddenly, one woman was discussing her son's fight with cancer that he battled a few years prior and was now cancer free. I can't tell you what type he had, but that doesn't really matter; cancer is the word that shakes us all to our core. Listening intently as she recounted her experience, I noticed that she became more intense as her recollections came to the surface. The pain as a mother wondering if she'd lose her son was overwhelming and oozing from her pores. It was apparent that spending time suffering through her experience was still raw in many ways. Then the words that caused me to sit up straight and still grabbed my ears and shot a bolt through me from head to toe.

"Why couldn't God give this to some junkie instead of my son?"

My spirit was so wounded inside of me that I could say nothing. I wanted to scream "I'm a junkie's mother!! Do you think I love my son any less than you love yours??" But in my right mind I knew that this woman's pain was so great, that from where she sat, a person on drugs deserved nothing more than being left to die alone somewhere. It's their problem and they chose this lifestyle. And in my right mind I can see her very point. It doesn't seem fair or just that one person who is living a productive life, contributing to this earth should suffer at all while another who is seemingly sucking life out of everything and everyone around thrives.

We oft forget that in the garden when Adam and Eve went for the apple, God said in this life we would have nothing but hard work and unfair results. Nothing would be just in our minds. In the Bible the book of Matthew says that the rain will fall on the just and the unjust and the sun will rise on the good and the evil.

Life doesn't make sense. I don't get to call all the shots. I can only call the shots for which way I will go. There's not one promise that all will be right in my world. Nothing, nothing at all, is for sure except for God's promise that He will walk with me through this life and into the next if I let Him touch my soul. God alone sees the Big Picture.

Every junkie and alcoholic has or had a mother. Most junkies have loved ones scrambling in hopes that their junkie or alcoholic would get the Big Picture and let God change their lives inside out.

Today I choose to concentrate on the Big Picture when what I see two inches in front of me doesn't make sense or when MY PLAN isn't coming to fruition quickly enough to please me. Step 3 says:

We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God

In Celebrate Recovery we also read:

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:1, The Message