The Day After

The day after.

Often, the day after any celebratory event can leave one feeling down, sad or alone. For me, that would have been caused by my expectations of the planned event and that my expectations hadn't been fulfilled.

Not this year, though. Little Mini-chick had her birthday this past week, so Son #1 and Lovely Espousa had a little celebration on Christmas Eve. It was a fun time with Mini-chick and I was glad to be there. Cliff was not invited. We've talked a lot about this scenario, and while I have some torn feelings about this, it's not my situation to control. Thankfully, Cliff is working hard at his program and has a sponsor that told him to let it go. He told him that it was 2 years following his own sobriety before his family would have anything to do with him. Especially his brother. I hope it doesn't take 2 years for Cliff's situation with his brother, but I'm grateful that Cliff has a sponsor who has been in Cliff's shoes and can shed light on this for him. He reiterated everything I've said, but he has the experience to back it up. Therein lies the validity that Cliff needs and the ability to work through this in a positive manner.

Christmas day was celebrated in a very peaceful way. Cliff helped me get the house ready for company and I was very grateful for that. I'm battling something that's been trying to get me for a while and this week it's beginning to reveal itself in unpleasant ways. Fatigue has entered in too, so Cliff's help was right on time. My father and his wife came for dinner so it was just the four of us.

The dinner was awesome if I do say so myself. I made a pork tenderloin with a delicioso cranberry glaze that had fresh rosemary and onion in it, red-skin garlic mashed potatoes, fresh greenbeans with onions and balsamic vinegar and baked french bread. Dessert was simple with baked brownies, topped with peppermint ice-cream and hot fudge. MMMMMMMMM.

Our company left by 6, and our plans to get together with Lou and her hubby were nixed by my not feeling 100%. Wise choice, Lou, as today is all revealing. :( Cliff and I just hunkered down in our appropriate places, chatted about the lovely day, and watched an old Victor Borge presentation on public TV. We laughed ourselves silly.

The best part of this holiday is that the day after Christmas, I don't feel sad or remorseful that my sons are not at peace, yet. I was able to enjoy the days given to me this season just as they were, had joy in every situation and a peace that passes all understanding. That allowed me to Sleep in Heavenly Peace and wake up the day after, moving through this day in His peace.

Thank you, God.

...And Nature Sing!

Merry Christmas to All!

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Christmas Eve

As a child, the thrill of Christmas was at it's highest on this day. It seems we could hardly stand the wait. Ross Bagdasarian, Sr., knew full well what we were feeling! This Christmas eve isn't much different. Oh, there aren't planes that loops the loop or any hula hoops under my tree. As a matter of fact, there isn't anything under my tree which is fine with me. This year will be a Christmas of just spending time together, a good meal and our pretty tree and mantle. But it's so much more than that.

Yesterday there were two special celebrations in my life. First, Mini-Chick, daughter of Son #1 and Lovely Espousa, turned "2"! Mini-Chick is full of personality and laughter and very busy finding fun at most things in life right now. I know it's typical of a two-year old but she's my granddaughter so to me, it's all about her!

Second, Cliff's clean time hit 13 months which is HUGE for him and causes me to be so grateful for:

• The fact that Cliff isn't in a prison, county jail or homeless shelter



• The fact that Cliff's not on the street or MIA



• The first holiday in YEARS untainted by a substance or alcohol



• Cliff as a new man and desire to embrace a new life



• So many people Cliff is interacting with; sponsors, mentors, new friends



• Cliff's spiritual awakening



• God's amazing answers to prayer

Yesterday, Cliff had his second parole appointment since being released. He has a new P.O. and Cliff says it's for the better. He liked PO1 but says PO2 is even better. She seems a bit more proactive in connecting Cliff with the programs available and necessary for his success. Driving home from his appointment with PO, Cliff told me he isn't even having a desire or urge to use at this time. He doesn't think about it all the time anymore. I have noticed a determination in him I've never met before. He is so healthy in his mind, body and spirit that it almost seems unreal. But he's living it out daily so I know it's real and have every reason to celebrate with Cliff for the life he's living now.

For 14 years I prayed for this son specifically for these issues. Actually, I've implored God above to change my son and give him the freedom from the bondage of substances that prohibited Cliff from becoming what he was created to be. For 14 months, I prayed for me to "let go and let God." Recognizing and understanding more and more that my helping hand to God to fix Cliff wasn't helping at all. I'm sure when I fell on my face in total surrender, God said, "Laura, finally you will let me work with Cliff, and you WILL BE OKAY."

I prayed for many things specific to Cliff's life as I'm sure you have for your alky or drug addicted loved ones. In my heart, I felt that God would do something that I couldn't do, but never imagined that He would work it out so quickly and so beautifully. In my wounded lifestyle, I told Cliff he would not be able to live with me again. God changed, and continues to change, Cliff's life and my heart.

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Eph 3:20 The Message

On my way home from work last night, I made a quick stop for a few items and noticed some nice sweatshirts on sale. I purchased two, one for Son #1 and one for Cliff. When I came home with bags in my arms, Cliff was standing there, so I tossed his sweatshirt to him and teasingly said, "Merry Christmas!" He hugged it and said in jest "This is the best Christmas EVER!" We shared a few laughs, watched a Seinfeld episode and I headed for bed. When I was upstairs going through my routine between the bathroom and bedroom, Cliff said "by the way, I was only half kidding when I jokingly said this is the best Christmas Ever." Without any explanation necessary, I agreed.

This will be the best Christmas EVER between Cliff and me!

*Pic courtesy of www.johnmcalpineart.com *

I Surrender This.....

Like a bolt out of the blue, the phone rings with news we'd rather not get. A newer member at our home group called to say that her son, who's overseas at college, has been using and became addicted to heroin. Quickly, plans have been made to get him home as he's asked to go into rehab. Pretty Mom was rather composed, oh woman of faith that she is. She and her husband have a "solid as a rock" relationship and fortunately have always been totally there for each other. Praying together through the years your married does things like this.

Suddenly, their Christmas celebration will have a different light on it. But it's the light that shines brightly. It's the time of year when we celebrate Jesus sent as a baby for one such as this. For all of us he was sent, but somehow His purpose sometimes seems presented as if it's for those of us who are just little sinners. You know, a little lie here or a bad attitude there and that the "real sinners" should rot in hell. Why should they be forgiven for anything? Others view it as God came for the Big Sinners but us minor players can take care of ourselves. He's to busy for us and afterall, my little sins aren't any big deal, are they? But God's word says He came for all of us and that He himself shows no partiality for one over the other. Sin is sin in the eyes of God and He will not accept any of it.

Because He's God and I'm not, determines that He will forgive and accept to Himself addicts and all their coniving and manipulating ways along with mothers of addicts who can be controlling or manipulative too. He forgives those who think hateful or sinful things but don't act on them. Our secret sins He knows but will forgive. Thoughts of adultery, lusting, hatred, jealousy can all be forgiven. Because He's God and I'm not, He will forgive murderers and rapists and white collar thieves. He will also forgive us when we keep extra change given by accident or the daily swindling that goes on between buyers and sellers and the swindling isn't always done by the sellers! He will forgive school children who are bullies, and teachers who use children for their sexually depraved thinking or addictions. Because He's God and I'm not He knows best the heart of a man who asks for forgiveness for all his sins whatever they may be. And forgives me when I don't understand how He can forgive a murderer or child-molester.

And because He knows the heart of man, he knows who is truly seeking forgiveness and who's giving lip service. But that's not up to me either.

Andrew will return home and enter rehab and his parents will have a great Christmas gift in the simple fact that they know Andrew is alive and being cared for medically instead of detoxing alone in a room about 5000 miles away, or lying in a street, under an overpass or in a homeless shelter guarding his shoes with his life.

The Light of Life is holding out His hand to Andrew and anyone else that is willing to accept that we are powerless over our lives and that their is a Power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity and a relationship with Him that beats all the rest. We can wake up each day and thank God for a new day to live healthy and free from alcohol, drugs, or any other ball and chain that wants to rob us from the life He intended for us to live. We can trust Him for just one day, this present day, because He will take care of tomorrow when it gets here. We can lay our heads down on our pillow at night thanking God again for walking with us through the day we just had, joyous and free or lousy and encumbering.

A free gift for anyone who will accept.

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Snow Day

Snow Day! Doesn't this face say it all??

Remember how great it was to wake up and find out you didn't have school? You pulled on every warm clothing item you owned and met your friends outside for the day! Mom's hot chocolate always tasted best on those days. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

In Michigan we are in the midst of a beautiful snowstorm that began about 5:00 am this morning and is going like gangbusters! It's scheduled until mid afternoon, if the weather follows schedules. :)

I have been listening to the news very closely for weather and traffic trying to determine if I should venture to work. I opted out. My little car has been screaming at me for a while with "issues" and since I drive 28 miles to work each way, I've decided to stay home. No pay, but no spinouts either.

Sunday we're expecting more of the same and snow on Christmas Eve too!

YAY!

Have a great Friday, everyone!

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Lou and Her Party

Last night our home group had a Christmas Celebration. My friend, and fellow blogger, Lou headed up a fabulous team of workers putting a super nice party together. Being that it was a work night we had a party that ended by 9:00 pm. No matter. The food was great, the decor was beautiful, the atmosphere was party, party, party. All without the influence of alcohol or substances. Simply fun and filling with lots of joy and laughter all around the room. I'm not a photo person but there were several there and I'm sure they took some awesome pictures of the thing that matters most. Our friends. :)

Thank you, Lou.
You're a work horse and a happy one at that!

What a blessing to have you in my life!

Choosing to Believe

Candyland! Kids, presents and candy were everywhere today when our church held it's annual Angel Tree Christmas Party. That's the party that is planned for children of incarcerated parents. It's an awesome day and this party was so well done that I felt like I was turning in circles with my mouth hanging open in amazement most of the time. I did participate and volunteered in small ways but the planning and the work that went into this day came to a beautiful result when all was said and done, of which my codependent self let others do. This is a great big step for me not feeling like I had to be in the managing and hanging in from morning till night.

Over the past year I've met a number of other women like me with incarcerated, drug addicted sons. Except for Lou whom I met at our recovery meeting, the other mothers and I met at the Jail/Prison letter writing ministry and today they were also part of the volunteers that helped host today's party. As the day would allow, there were small pockets of conversations taking place as people had moments to catch up with someone they knew or meet a new friend they were working with.

I got a present of my own, too! Looking around from time to time I did a double take more than once noticing Cliff engaged in conversations with some of the other women who've walked in my shoes. Seeing Cliff in these moments sent a surge of gratefulness and pride through my veins that I hadn't anticipated at all. Cliff agreed to volunteer today when asked by others, not by me. Love it. He worked hard and well and was always visible among the workers. Not once did someone ask me if I'd seen Cliff in the last 15 - 30 minutes nor was he MIA once today. Love it more. Cliff stayed after the party (when I went home) to help break down the event and reset the room for tomorrow's services. Love it lots.

Mostly, I really, really loved seeing Cliff speaking to the other mothers. He looks so clean and healthy and is making choices and working a program that allows him to stay in the day that I'm sure it is giving hope to the other mothers. My friends, Lou, Harriet, Cindy and Mary Kay, all beautiful mothers looked at Cliff with encouragement and pride instead of sideways glances that used to come Cliff's way in his prior life. The gift of a clean and healthy Cliff is the best gift I'll get this year and for many more to come.

On my knees night after night, I continue to pray for Cliff's choices of recovery and believing for the day of seeing four other healthy, clean men in our midst.

I choose to believe.

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Slip Slidin' Away

Yesterday was one slippery morning. Keeping up with the weather in Michigan this year has become an hourly task. We surely must already be on record for a very blustery December compared to years gone by. So yesterday, leaving an hour before work, I ventured out with the rest of the chain gang heading to my destination. As soon as I turned out of my condo association and onto the road, I knew it would be a cautious and slow trek.

The night before we had lots of rain, snow, sleet mix and then the temperatures dropped which left a residue of patchy pavement. One minute we were clipping along on cleared, clean pavement and the next we would be hitting patches of slick ice. While we live in a fairly flat terrain, my route to work dips and curves and has some inclines that are rather fun. :) Several cars were creeping along in front of me on this two lane road and I kept my distance too.

The driver ahead seemed very apprehensive as we came across some of those icy, patchy areas. Suddenly, she began hitting her brakes for no apparent reason. Nothing was going on in front of her as the driver she was following seemed to pull away quite easily. I started tapping my brakes too and abruptly she stopped cold! Her car turned a bit into the oncoming lane, but honestly there was NOTHING ahead of her to stop for. I kept tapping, somewhat frantically, praying and swearing all in one breath (sorry, Lord). The pickup with a plow behind me swerved to the shoulder lane and passed on by this little escapade safely and spared the back end of my car, thank you very much! My car stopped within a hair's width of the car ahead of me, but as the plow truck went by, three or four SUV's behind slammed on (or "mashed on" depending on your region) their brakes and popped each other one after the other. Chain reactions happened all over the place as the oncoming traffic slowed in fear of someone crossing the line. My heart was pumping hard.

Slowly, driver one started moving forward again and I moved along carefully too. The vehicles behind me all straightened out their cars and pulled over to the side to compare damages. I'll never know what caused driver one to panic other than to see the ice and thinking what might happen next. Within a mile or so all things must have returned to normal as a large white SUV rode my behind all the way to work with a leaning driver on a cell phone! GRRRRRRR!

My guardian angels worked very hard for me yesterday and for that I was extremely grateful all day long!

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"It's That Time of Year....."

Can't you hear Karen Carpenter singing "The Christmas Waltz?" How sad that she isn't here to share her gift of song. How wonderful for us that her music still gets so much air time. To me, she had a voice that is pleasant and soothing.

But I also know that it's that time of year where many people find themselves profoundly sad and in deep grief because the picture and image of what we want Christmas to look like just ain't happenin'. Having spent so many years arranging and planning, hoping and praying for a Rockwell Christmas, I've learned over time to let go of my ideals and focus on what is true.

Being single most of my adult life meant I had to learn holiday survival skills fast. I quit watching all the romantic type movies that Hollywood tried to paint as the real reason for Christmas. I especially changed channels during the commercials as they were shamelessly trying to tell me what I was missing. How could I possibly have a loving and Merry Christmas without the love of a man, the diamond bracelet he was holding out for me and that loving man giving me "the look"? Instead, I tried to volunteer at different functions that had nothing whatsoever to do with coupling. When my sons were with their Dad over the stretch of holiday vacations, I borrowed other kids to spend time with. I had to fill my hours and thoughts in ways that would be bring me peace and joy. Over the years, I've become more comfortable with myself and have even learned to cherish some holidays alone.

That all worked fairly well for the single part of me but I still had gaping holes in my heart when it came to my sons and my dreams for Christmas. Last Christmas was not the first Christmas where one of my sons was unavailable for the festivities of the season due to drugs or alcohol, but it was one of my lowest years because our situation had become so desperate and hateful. While I hoped and prayed for a truly divine intervention I found myself in a very deep pit when my prayers had been answered. I was so exhausted that I spent many days burrowed under blankets and mindlessly filling my time with some old reruns. Now and again you'd find me reading something that really caught my interest, but mostly I spent my time grieving for what had been lost all those years and what seemed would never come. After all, I never ever used drugs nor didn't drink to excess so why was I in this pit of life??

Looking back now, I see that God really made it clear to me during my grieving that I had to learn to live my life in a healthier way. He allowed me to grieve for quite some time but in moments of taking hold of my emotions, I found myself examining my choices, my thought patterns and my own character strengths and defects in the past and in the present. I also came through that process with a healthier reality about living in the day, taking one day at a time, one moment at a time. I can still see the speaker at one of my first family support meetings at a rehab clinic many years ago saying to me to "stop taking it personally." I wanted to smack her then. Today, I get it. Once I started to deal with the anger, sadness and grief, I could work the steps with better clarity and understanding and apply them to my life.

With that in mind, I can more easily enjoy what today has in store for me, plan my tomorrows but not expect that my happiness will be determined by my sons behaviors or decisions. I'm doing things because I love to do them and will celebrate myself for what changes God has made in my heart and my mind. I can dance The Christmas Waltz all over the place alone (as I often have) or with a partner and sense that I am loved and will be fine and have Joy!

Counterfeit Relationships

Counterfeit: an imitation that is made usually with the intent to deceptively represent its content or origins.

Recently reading a "truth be told" on someones blog about Internet relationships brought up a surge of regurge in my life too.

About 10 years ago, I moved from my hometown to Chicago for a job I accepted there. I didn't know anyone. Before I left Michigan friends of mine purchased a webtv for me in an effort to keep in touch as my home computer had been lifted by some intruders and was never recovered nor replaced. Being that I moved to a part of the Windy City that wasn't the best, I tended to work during the day and hide out at night.

Thus began my webtv and chatting addiction.

Someone mentioned chat rooms to me. I *went* in and out of these rooms trying to figure out how it worked and the popularity of it all. It seemed dizzying at first and quickly I found that there were places I didn't want to go, places I shouldn't go, and then found the chat room where I was comfortable. Over time, as I went online and *entered my room* I began to feel like Norm on Cheers where everyone knows your name! It started out as filling a void and then quickly became my thing. My world revolved around getting to know these people, learning about their lives and their families. Fending off requests from men, many of them married, and, falling into a *relationship* or two along the way. It was reckless and comforting all at the same time.

Eventually, I did get into a committed relationship with one fellow from Canada, I'll call E. We chatted everyday sometimes for many hours as this was our courting place. We moved from that point to the telephone but still did the bulk of our communication by chatting. We began to care deeply for each other and E was good for me in many ways that I couldn't imagine would happen merely from words being tapped out on a keyboard. We met and after a while became engaged. E visited me and I visited him and quite frankly, we knew each other really well and I loved him deeply. He met my sons and my parents and this is one of the few men in my life that my Dad really liked. E was what he seemed via the net. We began the paperwork for immigration as he was going to move to the U.S.

However, what couldn't be seen or noticed over the Internet that revealed itself over a long time was just how we interacted with each other or others away from the world wide web. It's the same thing, I think, when you are far from family members and suddenly you're together and you see their behaviors in the little things in life. Those little things can and often become big things.

That isn't what kept us from completing the process and becoming husband and wife. Real life did enter in and we both almost simultaneously became care givers for one of our dying parents. The days became months and then it became clear that this relationship would not be. I grieved that loss for quite some time but some differences were slowly revealed to us about myself and E which would possibly have become big things in our daily living together. Because of distance and the unnatural developing of this relationship we had no way of seeing or learning our real differences during our relationship which may have become detrimental in the long run.

It didn't stop me though, from meeting others via the net. It became my comfort zone where I could type away and hide from the eyes of the people I was chatting with. In the earlier days everyone didn't have web cam or even photos online. I never intentionally lied or pretended to be something I wasn't and thereby never looked skeptically at anyone else online either. Because my self-esteem had been trampled and abused throughout my first marriage I thought I knew how someone else would size me up in the "real world" and therefore, immediately decided I would be rejected based on appearance alone. My safe zone was behind the computer typing away with full confidence because I wouldn't fall into the words or other come-ons to feel better about myself. It kept me from letting others take advantage of me when I was one of the walking wounded. Sort of.

The internet sort of short cuts some of the necessary steps of getting to know someone in their full element and for them to know me exactly the same way. It can be totally counterfeit and thereby stealing time, affection and brain space that would be better used elsewhere. I fell more than once for the quick words and fully loaded emails lauding my wonderfulness. I took to heart what some were saying to me as truth when I was in a most fragile state of mind. There were times and places I went in real life and in cyber space that were not good for me but I was trying to fill a void and a hurt and this was my quick fix.

Counterfeit relationships happen every day and often in both worlds. We are tied into the Internet so much that I have to remind myself to stay focused on what is real and what is not. Even my "blogging friends" will really only know some of me.

Except Lou. :)

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Patterns of Co-Dependency

Sitting in meetings and listening to speakers who've had a true transformation from the life of alcohol, drugs and other bondage type lifestyles causes me to continually take a look at the patterns in my own life. Sometimes the reality of my choices stops me short. I mean, I didn't use a substance to fill my need or kill my pain. I used myself and let others use me too.

Codependency is one sick character defect. Either you're drinking or swallowing pills or you're not. Either you're snorting, shooting or smoking or you're not. I am not simplifying the battle users have but with codependents it's not always so crystal clear. Every thought, action and decision is suspect for the unhealthy codependent. Behaviorally, our tendencies toward our character defects are often rewarded, thereby not being recognized or called out as harmful. Then suddenly these behaviors or the pattern of such sick thinking reveals itself in patterns and life results that are far reaching and long lasting.

I see and read about so many others who've overcome huge obstacles in their diseases and have also gone on in their personal and professional lives to reach great success. Now, I'm getting it and feel like I can't catch my breath for the race I'm in against the clock of age and time. But I know that this thought is also of my *sickness* too.

The patterns of codependency listed on the CoDA website is rather descriptive and I almost see the list printed with my face being used as the background. Not as a victim or poor me feeling but as an awakening and an amazement in knowing that I've been carrying around these crippling patterns for so long!

Thankfully, in the past 12 months God has brought absolutely amazing people into my life and I am surrounded with those who believe in and encourage me to move forward in my dreams and my recovery. I've been brought to the realization of who has caused the most struggle in my life; who's kept me from achieving my dreams and goals and who's choice it is to change my life's direction for the balance of my days. I've been given the life changing keys.

*We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.*

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A WORLD FULL OF SKEPTICS

SKEPTIC:

1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual.
2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others.
3. a person who doubts the truth of a religion, esp. Christianity, or of important elements of it.
4. (initial capital letter) Philosophy.
a. a member of a philosophical school of ancient Greece, the earliest group of which consisted of Pyrrho and his followers, who maintained that real knowledge of things is impossible.
b. any later thinker who doubts or questions the possibility of real knowledge of any kind.–

According to Dictionary.com a skeptic is as described above.

We live in a world full of Skeptics. Each day that goes by I am asked about Cliff's recovery, rehabilitation and progress. After being asked, I see the eyebrows raise up a bit, the obligatory smiles, and the condescending nodding of the head as if to say, "you poor, dumb mother. You must be one gullible Gert."

The standard comment is "I HOPE it continues" in the tone of voice used as in "I told you so." Now, when I hear the word hope used in that sentence it is not the same hope that I have. The commentary's hope is one that says "you need to remove your blinders, Laura, as the other shoe is sure to drop." It's full of doubt and skepticism.

My hope is one of faith that says, for each day Cliff is clean I am grateful and live in God's hope that He is moving Cliff from the world of dark to light. The hope of faith is the one that says if Cliff takes three steps forward and two steps back, we're still one step ahead of where we were one year ago.

And for that, I'm one grateful Gert.

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